=purav5 ================================================================== THE BROIGES BEGGAR'S GAZETTE Publiee en Broiges, Belge "I had one Grunch, but the Eggplant over there." =================================================================- OUR PRICE: -- NIE (New Israeli Euro) 1.5 -- -- CHEAP-- ------------------------------------------------------------------ VOLUME 2: #3 AFTERMATH EDITION ================================================================ Pesach is a bit of a tornado, one tries to stay standing. Ted Martin taught math at MIT, having survived the 50's Witchhunt. Then he retired and got a place on Block Island, which he named Aftermath. Speaking as a neo-conservative, (which I'm not, of course; I mean, one might as well wear polyester; politics as a fashion accessory), [Yhe world is engaged in a battle to preserve civilization. The Bushie Neo-Cons [I mean, Oy, for this we rode Bill Clinton out of town on a rail?] are leading one last Crusade against the neo-traditionalist of Islam. Only it is not clear which side represents civilization: Big Macs & blue Talk shows & Frankenstein Soybeans vs. Algebra, calligraphy, and blue--green tilework. ] {Anyhow: Speaking as a neo-conservative} I side with the Sadduces. On the Omer, they seem quite right (so Yom haRishon would be Chesed, (as-it-is-said, "Monday's child is full of grace") erev Shabat would be Yesod; Shabat would be Malkhut) (as-it-is-said, "the proof of the pudding is in the eating") (although it ain't clear which Shabat was intended: before, during, or after; so maybe they're not quite right after-all) That is: contracts are an illusion; bedike hametz is for real. Mysticism has ontic priority over realism (except Zen and pueblo Indians ways), and a fortiori over legalism. T.S. Eliot, --l'havdil! that paradigmatic turkey -- is said to have said that the only drama which still moved him was a High Mass. (Anglican, one presumes; no garlic here.) Is the Seder an intricate ritual or a burlesque. Joel Rosenberg said: It's like a page of Talmud; the set table is surrounded with commentaries. Hard to find good non-orthodox commentary in Israel. Eg, Larry Kushner's Book of Letters, and his lovely long Jungian midrash, following Avraham chasing the calf down the cave back into Gan Eden. And Art Waskow's Seasons of our Joy, with those intricate paper- cuts by the Farins. Did Jesus exist, or is it just a set of commentaries, like the Zohar. ================================================================= TODAY'S QUIZ: WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? The Setting: Phileas Phoghorn has just submitted the following Mini-Thesis in Thomistic Cosmology to the Lower Slobdovian Institute for Advanced Beserks (an Affiliate of the University of Chelm Mule-Skinners' College). The Thesis Committee is befuddled, and asks for your assistance,. How many concpetual errors can you find? The winner will receive a free 6-month subscription to the Broiges Beggars' Gazette. "Spring forward, Fall back." One warps too abruptly into summertime right after Pesach. So where does that lost hour go. Obviously into some sort of hyperspace construct. This is the year 5765 A.C. (Absolute Calendar). That is, it is going on 5765 years since the Big Bang. So obviously there are now 5765 hours in hyperspace. But then does that mean that if I move to hyperspace (one must plan ahead nowadays; everyone needs a sealed room) that I have only 240 days to live there? (Cows Defend Us!) Obviously not; I can check baggage allowance right now: Because, allowing for inflation -- and everyone knows that the universe is inflating the earlier hours are progressively much longer than present hours So Hyperspace is almost infinitely long And this can be proved from Einstein's Theory of Relativity: Einstein said (who knows why) that e=m(cc) where c is (who knows why) the speed of light So as anything approaches the speed of light (as the limit), its mass approaches infinity; and time becomes of relatively longer duration, approaching infinite extension Now everyone knows that at the instant preceeding the Big Bang (which was, of course, the Start of time), the Universe was of almost infinite mass (density), because (except that causes did not yet exist) it was of minimal size So that indicates that just before the Start of Time, the universe was travelling at almost infinite speed (speed, not velocity, since at that stage, as it were, the Universe didn't care where it was going, since there was nowhere to go because space came into existence only at the time of the Big Bang -- when time also came into existence) Therefore, before the Big Bang, one direction was the same as any other, it didn't make any difference; therefore the universe had only speed, not velocity. So at the instant preceeding the Big Bang, the universe had nearly infinite mass because it was travelling (albeit not through space, since space did not yet exist) at nearly infinite speed Of course 'infinite speed' means only some 185,000 miles per second, since Einstein says nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, because if it did we couldn't see it in time to step aside, so nobody could know so who cares so forget it because the Verifiability Criterion of Meaning says so. So that means that Infinity in our Cosmos -- or whatever it is that a Universe fits into -- is relatively small potatoes. Oh well. Everyone says, gotta be humble. Nu, so what happened. Obviously the Universe, which had been traveling Perfectly (as the Thomists tell us) contentedly at nearly Max Speed, suddenly braked And then, by Newton's first law of Motion, it started farting out gas from its backside (not, as we would rather imagine the Big Bang, expanding forwards in all directions, preferably ahead) So it remains only to ask: What caused (as it were) the Universe to suddenly brake Obviously, as anyone who took the train from Jerusalem in the '80's knows, the Primordial Palestinians put something on the cosmic tracks So as Heraklitus says, all time begins with the Primordial Intifada (Reference: Heraklitus, fragments on 'Strife' Q.E.D. Bungagee, it's half-past time for the mid-morning minyan. Further questions may be directed to Eliahu Gal-Or; I don't know what I just said. sa, Mevo Modi'in, 18 Nisan 5765 ================================================================= ================================================================= NEW FEATURE! ASK THE PURAV: "It ain't so bad talking to yourself. It's when you start answering yourself that you got problems." Jack Kerouac, quoting an old forest-fire lookout. We welcome your questions, and will strive to find an incrementally more machmere response than any of our competitors have yet (like one who, having become a graceful swimmer, bobs upside down and goes down into the muck) come up with; thereby gaining relative zhut and eventually maybe passing GO and becoming Chief Rabbi for Parchesi (Connecticut; adjacent to to Haddam in Stevens County). [Mevo Modi'in, Pesach '04] I am often asked -- each time I open my 2" solid steel front door, as a matter of fact -- : "Why are the mitzvot of Pesach incumbent upon cats?" First of all: is your cat wearing a collar? Anyone wearing about the neck a collar which he/she cannot remove -- of iron band, thin gold-link, or even imitation pearls -- is a licensed, purchased 'eveD and falls under the owner's obligation to keep those mitzvot. (If this applies to you, you are quite possibly a cat, and should endeavour to determine who or what your master is.) However, if your cat acquired you -- that is, settled on your front door-stoop, and usually returns there to sleep at night -- then the cat is a TOShav or a GeR and is apparently not obligated, and maybe not even allowed, to abstain from hametz. (May, or should, one invite a gentile to one's Seder: Some say, one can and should, as this is 'let all who are hungry come and eat', as-it-is-said, 'and the hunger will not be for bread, but to hear the WORD of the LORD', and as-it-is-said, 'we will hear and do', meaning, one can hear only by doing. But others say: No gentile is to eat of the Pesach, and now the matza at the Seder stands in place (but most say: in memory, not 'in place') of the Pesach, so no gentile may be invited to a Seder. I say: Risk-benefit analysis proves that a gentile may go to a Seder. For the penalty to a Jew for eating hametz on Pesach is most severe, amd since who knows who's a Jew, let them in, however awkwardly they ask, as-it-is-said, "better to be safe than sorry". So this is a fence, and a fence is 'do not put a stumbling bloc in the way of the blind'. For nowadays, many are Jewish and do not know it. Some are Chinese, or Sioux Indian, or American Negro. Delores Gray came to Jerusalem from L.A. as a Minister and said, I want to go to a Seder. They said, we can't let you in. She said, of course I can, I want to be with my people. Then some years later she converted, which proves she was always Jewish, as-it-is-said, all who convert stood with us at Sinai. A visitor came to Jerusalem to see Jews and met her. He was disappointed, because she didn't speak Yiddish. Well, R. Shlomo would say something about that. Eg, "What do we know" and "Where were my eyes". Rinata came from Heidelberg and sat in the attic of Bet Bernstein and said, I want to convert, and all I know about my grandfather is that they said he used to do something with a chicken. I said, you don't have to convert; you're Jewish. Because there is only one memorable thing that anyone but a chicken can do with a chicken, and that's kaporet. ) But we are discussing whether a cat must keep the Pesach halachot: First of all: the mitzvot or chametz are incumbent only upon Jewish cats. And the only known species of Jewish cat is, of course, Siamese cats, because they talk too much. Furthermore: The avoidance of hametz (by Jewish cats) is only obligatory upon cats of bar/bat mitzva age. So that raises the question: at what age is a Jewish cat bar/bat mitzva. To calculate that, note that one cat-year is equivalent to approximataely 4 human years. So under certain circumstances, a cat is permitted to go to the Doggy Diner during Pesach and order buttered toast. However, room service (or door-stoop service) is another matter; as it is said: There shall be no hametz in your habitations (or maybe it is said: you shall see no hametz). So a cat may be fed hametz in the Thailand-y slave-shacks; but not in the Filipino servant's quarters. But then is not one permitted to feed one's cat standard catfood (which contains wheat) in one's own home, provided one does so blindfolded? As Pesach has now ended (except arguably for Siamese cats, who might be obligated to keep an 8th day), this discussion may be adjourned, for arbitration by the cat of Eliahu haNavi (for when Eliahu haNavi at long last leaves exile and comes to this land "of milk and honey" what intelligent cat would not follow him?). ================================================================== Q: What should a SHOMER do? A: As little as possible; this is a free country. Commentary: I was hitching through Kansas one summer day '59. Willing to meet the goyim half-way, I was conservatively dressed in a wool grey- flannel suit, in the 90-degree Fahrenheit summer sun. An officer of the Highway Patrol stopped me, and, after having telephoned my parents, asked: What's with this beard bit? [ He was a most hip Highway Patrol Officer, as such things go. ] I said: Oh -- School play [theatre group; maybe I was playing Abe Lincoln. ] He telephoned my parents, and then drove me to the railroad station, where I continued to Denver and climbed, almost, Mt. Harvard. It was about 14,000 feet, and toward the end I could walk only about 8 strides at a time, before pausing to catch my breath; so they left me behind and went up to get back off the peak before the afternoon lightning storm. On the way back down we did a 'glissande' (or 'rumpage') down the snow-fields. At the time I had finished my freshman year at Oberlin. What I knew about Judaism boiled down to: I was Jewish; being Jewish was something to be proud of; as an historically oppressed people we now had an obligation to help defend all oppressed peoples; and Jews wore beards because the Bible said to. ============================================================== === ==================================================================