================================================================ THE BROIGES BEGGARS' GAZETTE ------------------------------------------------------------------- *** PURIM SHENI EDITION (EARLY EDITION) *** Publiee en Broiges, Belge. ================================================================= OUR PRICE: -- NIE (New Israeli Euro) 1.5 -- -- CHEAP -- ================================================================== VOLUME II: Number 1.5 "I had one Grunch, but the eggplant over there." ================================================================== A Mitnogid visited Mevo Modi'in on erev Purim and asked: How is this night different from all other nights. [But some say: The Chevre had mistakenly supposed it to be a leap-year.] ------------------------------------------------------------------ A Yekke came to the Moshav for Shabat. The stars appeared, followed shortly thereafter by R. Shlomo. They politely asked the Yekke, Would you care to join us for Mincha. The Yekke replied, I davened Micha yesterday. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Yekke's went to the beach at Nahariya. One went into the sea, but soon found himself in difficult. 'Hazilut! Hazilut!' he cried. The other Yekke looked up from his book and said: All this time you were learning Hebrew, you could have been learning how to swim. ------------------------------------------------------------------ EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW: Why is it that in Hutz l'Aretz they observe Purim for one day, but here we observe it for two days. The ANSWER is: The Jews prevailed throught the Empire; but in the Capitol City they achieved an even greater victory. There, not merely did we overcome the military and political power of our enemies, but their socio-economic infrastructure was so thorougly devastated that many had to take the most menial of jobs, becoming body- servants to the Jews. Hence the second day of Purim is known as Shoeshine Purim. ------------------------------------------------------------------- On Purim we become so high that we see (as other have taught) that "There is something of good in every man." Some folk, for example, however prejudiced they may be, have excellent ears. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I sent R. David Herzberg (zl'b) some of my transcriptions of RSC teachings, with my appended & interjected Notes. He said, I liked the notes; almost better than the original. Now obviously one should disclaim such a compliment. But R. David was a great teacher, and who am I to dispute his word. ------------------------------------------------------------------ R. David used to say: My Daddy always told me: Don't make a makochet; wear socks of two different colours. ------------------------------------------------------------------ ================================================================= MORE .... ....TEACHINGS OF OUR RABBI: Michael Golomb said: I once asked asked Shlomo, why did the hippy movement fail. He said: Because they didn't keep their mouths clean. [ie, used bad language] [or, more generally (sa, after Taos), didn't 'talk good'.] ---------------------------------------------------------------- Yitzak ben Yehuda said: R. Shlomo said of drug use [ie, I presume, cannabis]: "Chevre, it's time to get out of diapers." ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Sofer of Modi'in recalled: When I was young, I went to a Baal Tchuva Yeshiva in B'nei B'rak. The Rosh Yeshiva heard that I had also gone to Modi'in and said: 'You can't have one foot in one camp, and one foot in the other.' I was very concerned, and asked R. Shlomo. He said: Well, '' gave you two feet. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently recalling his student days, R. Shlomo asked: Why does a hamentaschen have 3 corners? He answered: Because if it had four, you'd have to put on tzitzit. ================================================================= ...OR LESS ...TEACHINGS OF OUR RABBI: [TRUTH IN LENDING: Every saying attribued here to our Rabbi is 100% Accurate, with nothing added, subtracted, multiplied, divided, derived, extrapolated, interjected, nor homogenized. And now that we have agreed upon this point, I would like to offer everyone who has just read this the opportunity to acquire a controlling interest in a unique historic single-span suspension bridge, apostrophized in the poetry of Hart Crane (he should just keep on swimming), and linking the better sections, if any, of Brooklyn with lower Manhattan, that the yuppies from the Heights should be able to sneak away from Quiche Lorraine to get a good potato knish with mustard & Dr. Brown's Celery Tonic at the 1964 kiosk at 5 Beekman St.; [available too in realtime at the DUBIOUS KASHRUT GOURMET SHOP IN RAMILEVIVILLE, SHILAT, conveniently close to *** SHMUEL SILVER'S ok sh'b OK HEALTH FOOD STORE *** To all of you who will take advantage of this opportunity to acquire a controlling interest in this great historic artifact: %%% Gold Bullion and/or Blue-chip Equities are FINE. %%% $$$ DOLLARS are GROSS but buy Big Mac's $$$ ››› SHEKELS are not negotiable in Greece; there's nothing Israeli to buy there. ››› !!! All U.S. LOAN GUARANTEES must be co-signed by a Swiss or Saudi Arabian bank, or a Tokyo Massage Parlour. !!! ================================================================= THE RABBI TAUGHT (More or Less): On the morning of the 15th of Adar (or some say, in Yershelayim, on the morning of the 16th) a young man said to a young woman: 'Last night I asked you to marry me, but I forget what you said.' 'Oh,' she replied, 'I'm so glad you asked: 'Last night someone proposed to me, and I could not remember who.' ------------------------------------------------------------------ In the name of the Sofer of Modi'in (best's I recollect): The Rabbi was asked to comment on the goyische minhag of the Necktie. He said: '"They put the gartel in the wrong place." The Rabbi said: Shabat is not a day of rest. Sunday is the day of rest. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Rabbi asked his Chevre: How is one to know whether the wedding he has crashed is Modern- Orthodox, Ultra-orthodox, Reform, or Reconstructionist? The chevre replied, in a single voice: IF it is modern orthodox, the bride is pregant. HOWEVER, IF it is ultra-orthodox, the mother of the bride is pregnant. BUT IF it is Reform, both of the brides are pregant. WHEREAS, IF it is Reconstructionist, both the brides and the rabbi are pregnant. The Rabbi said: I approve the answer of the chevre: In honor of the Kallah, whoever she may be, always sing loudly and with great joy; and don't let the invited guests eat all the chicken. [Heard [more-or-less (sa) ca. '94] from Chana-Leah (zl'b). ] [ The Editor adds: You will know if it is a Conservative wedding, at least in Jerusalem, if the Bet Knesset faces the British Cultural Center.] ------------------------------------------------------------------- Zev Ritchie published a commendable booklet of RSC speaking on 'Peace'. After carefully studying it, I was able to conclude: The Rabbi says we should return the Territories; but only in exchange for the Louisiana Purchase. ----------------------------------------------------------------- In '82 the Rabbi was invited to the first Ruach Camp, above a spiritual community in New York state. They wanted to begin with the deepest secrets of Quabalah. The discussion turned to thehalachot of Shabat observance. The Rabbi said: Who knows what holiness there is in those little scraps of paper. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [ This concludes the Teachings by our Rabbi ] [ Miscellaneous shtuyot follows:] ================================================================= ================================================================= BADATZ "Puts the shlock in 'ShLaCh MaNOT'" BEDATZ WOULD PUT A HEXSURE ON A PLASTIC CAMEL, IF IT HELD STILL. ------------------------------------------------------------------ It is kosher to waterproof your boots with pigfat. But it is not kosher and not kasher to send your Shabat suit to the dry- cleaner's. Not for the dry-cleaner, and not for the environment. If it is says 'Dry Clean only', clean it in cold water. R. Zalman raised the question: Is electricity from a nuke [ nuclear power-plant ] kosher? It is not kosher to feed your old Mother Earth toxins. If the penalty for violating shmita is exile from the land, the Bushie's will be exiled from the planet. =============================================================== UPDATED MITZVA CLASSIFICATION FROM THE ORTHODOX ONION The Orthodox Omnion ("maklng more fences than an onion makes skins") defines a Class B Mitzva as: Intending to do a mitzva but then not having to do so (e.g: "but with a little bit of luck, when he comes around you won't be in" (Lerner/Lowe, 'My Fair Lady', after Shaw's 'Pygmalian'). A Class C Mitzva is: Intending to an avera but failing to do it due to circumstances beyond one's control. (E.g., Shakespeare: "makes good the intent but bad the deed" ) ================================================================= EDITORIAL: "BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT BECOME A DOCTOR" (Lenny Bruce) "Streich Geld von jeder Fehler." (Wittgenstein): Why do hasidim say of Purim: It is so high that even Yom Kippur, the highest day of the year, is merely a Yom ki-Purim: On Yom Kippur we accept forgiveness of our averot from Heaven. ("And we like sheep ...", said the wolves.) On Purim we accept from forgiveness of our averot from Earth, as_it_is_said: "He who gives less kavod to the torah of women than to the Torah of men will in the end inherit gehinnon (Cows defend us!). CAVEAT: KIDS, DON'T TRY THIS ONE AT HOME: This notion sails Perilously high to the wind of the Shabatean heresy. (I once had the helm as we came into Chesepeake Bay. The skipper took as my mark an onshore nuclear reactor. One fudges when possible.) ================================================================< Movie Review: THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: [ POST-PURIM REALITY CHECK: OTHER CRITICS SAY: Frank Rich ("'Passion' and the U.S. culture war'", International Herlad-Tribune, Saturday-Sunday March 6-7, 2004) observes that "the film is constructed like nothing so much as a porn movie, replete with slo-mo climaxes and pounding music" and remarks: "no one has nailed its artisitc vision more precisly than the journalist Christopher Hitchens, who called it a homoerotic "exercise in lurid sadomasochism" for those who "like seeing handsome young men stripped and flayed alive over a long period of time." " [ End Rich quote ] As Sartre notes with his notion of 'pour soi/pour autres', it is difficult not to somewhat internalize the bigotry reflected from others. An Afro-American writer confronts and transcends this problem with the remarK: "I didn't create the'nigger', you did; and now I'm giving him back to you." [James Baldwin (?) ] Again: This Gibson flic, however mediocre, is a major anti-Semitic [or more precisely, anti-Jewish ] attack, and must be dealt with as such. [Editor (sw), 16 Adar (9 Mar '04): ] But now let us sip our Bloody Mary's -- 16 ADAR RECIPE FOR A BLOODY MARY (Kosher L'Mishuganim): (Step 1): Place two (or three, if you can handle themJ) ice-cubes in a heavy-base glass liberated from any better Bar or Bar Mitzva (using both hands, and focussing as steadily as possible): (2) Fill nearly to the top with tomato juice (preferably organic; Frankenstein crop's not kosher): (3) Add a splash of any vodka except those used by kibbutz volunteeers and baal tchuva's: (4) Forify with salt, pepper, lemon, a dash of Tobasco, and Worcestershire Sauce. (5) Garanish with a celery stalk (6) Serve wearing a cold wet white towel over the forhead, and with all musical appliances turned off. On the morning after Purim, before Shaharit, the proper greeting to one's cat is: 'Quit stamping your feet.' [vintage New Yorker, ca. 1950] ----------------------------------- And now let us return for a last, nostalgic visit, to the Virtual Alternate Universe of Purim, for the Purim review of this fine feature film [ coming soon to a movie theatre on the other side of the Sea:][Editor, 16 Adar] PURIM MOVIE REVIEW: THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Based on a novelette by D.H. Lawrence, Mel Gibson's latest shlock-bustier depicts, in much too much detail, how a sincere if somewhat flaky Jewish young man from Natzereth or maybe a Nazir meets a nice if somewhat worldly Jewish girl from the politically correct side of the Kineret. He then, like Prince Hal, breaks with the 'bad-time buddies' of his youth (in particular, a rather misogynistic ex--tax-farmer with questionable ties to Syria), and settles down to life of marital whatever. Although it snuck through with an R-rating, this film should be Rated XXX, and should not be seen by children under Bat/Bar_Mitzva; nor by adults over "a certain age" unless accompanied by a Licenced Therapist. More important: This movie is !ASSUR FOR THE FRUM! , because the young man becomes a Reform Rabbi ( *Cows Defend Us!* ). The Reviewer gives this film: Hetzi Felafel w. ktzat hummous. ================================================================= LEGAL NOTICE: Know all men by these presents: WHEREAS the Undersigned has purchased for $$$ 3 Fish & Flat Beer $$$ COPYRIGHTS to all Commentaries on Parshat Pinchas: THEREFORE Said Commentaries may HENCEFORTH be published only in proper edit as APPROVED by the MONEY CONSORTIUM (Money, New York). I do not like Parshat Pinchas. ================================================================ DID YOU GET YOUR GENEVA INITIATIVE? THE BIBLE SAYS: "DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!" (BeMidbar _____ ) ================================================================= DIALOGUE WITH HIS POSTMISTRESS: "Eliyahu haNavi comes on Purim." 'I get him confused with Santa Claus.' "I was born Jewish and I always knew: Santa Claus is no-one to mess with." ================================================================ CODA: "I had one grunch but the eggplant over there." =================================================================