TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR SOAP OPERA
IS IN HEADWRITER LIMBO
10. The network begins running 10-minute-long commercials for �Soulful Christmas,� Kenny Rogers� Greatest Hits� and �Yanni� music CDs in an effort to hide the fact that there is only 4 new minutes of show footage per day.
9. Characters get stranded on islands for weeks on end, go on the run for entirely vague reasons, or spend endless scenes talking and talking about the same topics over and over again in a penthouse living room.
8. �HUGE� storylines temporarily down-sized to �MEDIUM.�
7. More and more, the characters in each storyline find themselves playing cards for most of the hour. Then, in the final scene of each episode, one of them remarks, �Well, I guess we�ll see what happens tomorrow.�
6. In a tense showdown, the show�s sinister villain tells the hero, �Prepare to die... or not.�
5. The show�s most popular actor begins worrying that he may not get that long-awaited storyline drawing on his memories of having a new red bike stolen when he was a kid.
4. The show begins blatantly recycling old scripts � something you don�t realize until Carly invites Sonny to go rollerblading in the park with her and Lucas.
3. At the end of the show, just after the announcement, �Next time on General Hospital,� the screen goes black, except for the word �HELP!� in big white letters.
2. For November Sweeps preview, the soap magazines refer you to the May Sweeps Preview.
1. The closing credits list the headwriter as �Occupant.�