Dear Diary...I Survived 2001!

My "diary" has become a very popular addition to my homepage. I figure that's because people like to know that they are not alone, that there is someone else out there that is dealing with heartbreak or is surrounded by chaos or is just simply struggling with life in general. My life is no different than anyone else's. I used to think that drama plagued me specifically, but I was wrong. Many people before me have lived my life's obstacles and triumphs and many people after me will travel the same paths. My diary has been made public just in case there's someone out there that needs to feel a little less alone. Thanks for listening...

DEAR DIARY: Most recent entries

December 3, 2001.
A really close friend of mine tried to commit suicide on the weekend. Luckily, a few of us were around that night to see the signs and keep tabs on him even after we left his house with what we thought were all his prescription pills (quick thinking on Jen's part). Even luckier, is that someone decided to go back to his house and check on him because if they didn't and he hadn't been rushed to the hospital then he wouldn't be here anymore. I talked to him yesterday, and he seems better...upset at himself for taking things so far...but in much better spirits than he had been the night before. I would just really like to know why some people get dealt such really shitty hands, while other people seem to have it so damn easy...


November 10, 2001.
Unbelievable! For the first time in my adult life, I am free of drama. No unnecessary arguments...no drunken mishaps...no love triangles...no breakups...no creditors pounding at my door...no uneasy feelings or confused thoughts. I am actually content with my relationship...my family...my friends...my finances...and my life at this moment. I'm not sure how long this will last, but so far everything has been great for a little over a month. I seem to be on top of everything right now. Hell, I even finished my Christmas shopping today and there's still over a month until the big day! Even parts of my life that could have followed history's path and become dramatic have taken on a different route this time. A few nights ago I talked to Kristyn on the phone, and one of the first things she said to me was 'so you're dating Jen now'. I immediately tensed up, figuring that the one thing that I hadn't wanted (ie. to hurt Kris), had happened. Turns out that she had figured it out by reading this very diary page. But instead of they typical nasty remarks and hurt feelings that usually come out of such a situation, she started talking about her life in Quebec and the people that she was interested in, and did it in such a way that wasn't vindictive...that wasn't like she was out to make me jealous...she relayed her stories like a friend, and through that I sensed that she was indeed okay. So the only thing that I have been secretive about is now out in the open, minus the drama. Maybe this is what maturity is all about. And you know, I think that I'm finally starting to grow up...


October 29, 2001.
Would you believe that I actually wore a dress this past weekend!!??!! I've been telling anyone that will listen, that I was dressing up as a "girly-girl" for Halloween this year. *giggle* Actually, my girlfriend's dad got married on Saturday so I had no choice but to get all dolled up in my dress and makeup. Jen's family lives in a VERY small town about an hour and a half from here, so we spent the weekend in hick-town visiting all her friends and relatives. Although I've met many of them before, it was still very overwhelming. Most of them are cool with our relationship, but some of them I still believe have a problem with Jen's sexuality and inadvertantly take it out on me. I think that when she's out of town they pretend that she's straight and all is well until I waltz into town with my presence reminding them that their daughter/niece/granddaughter is a lesbian. I just wish that I had the same relationship with some of Jen's family as she does with mine. My parents treat her like she's their own daughter, but I guess that's because she sees them every week whereas I only see her family a few times a year. *sigh* Maybe in time it will get easier...


September 16, 2001.
Happy 25th Anniversary Mom and Dad! Although their actual anniversary isn't until Tuesday, the neighbors and I held a surprise party for my parents this evening. They had absolutely no idea, and it was just so wonderful to be apart of that. Sure my parents have had their problems over the years, but they are still by far the closest couple that I know of. Everything that I know about love and romance I learned from watching my parents. For any of you out there who have taken a look at the rest of my homepage you'll have noticed that the central theme of my life is love and everything having to do with the heart. That stems from years of waking up and finding love notes in the bathroom medicine cabinet from mom to dad...countless bouquets of flowers that dad has brought home for mom...romantic poetry from mom...attempts at romantic poetry from dad...etc...etc... That is what I have been surrounded by for 24 and a half years of their 25 year marriage. Now some 'kids' may be sickened by this open display of love, and perhaps at one point or another I was, but I know now through my own attempts at romance that their bond of love has inspired me. In essence, I want to find that soulmate...that one person who will not necessarily complete me but compliment me and my life. I want a life partner who even after 25 years of marriage will take a moment out of their busy schedule to call me just to say that she's thinking about me and loves me. Thank you Mom and Dad for showing me what is truly important in this life. Perhaps on your 50th anniversary I'll be able to finally afford to send you on that second honeymoon. Cheers!


September 14, 2001.
I was put in my place this week as I watched the images on tv and read the personal accounts of the horrible tragedies that took place last Tuesday in the States. Even up here in Toronto, people are feeling helpless, vulnerable, and utterly shaken. Being so physically detached from the situation yet so emotionally connected to what I've read and watched, I can't even begin to imagine how the families, friends and survivors are feeling. My heart sincerely goes out to everyone that is directly or indirectly affected by what happened. In Canada, we are doing what little bit we can. I had planned to go donate blood yesterday in case there is a shortage in New York, but when I called the hotline I was told that the reserve was full (for once! Way to go Canada!). I will be heading outside tonight at 7 EST to light a candle as a symbol of peace and intollerace against terrorists. I do hope that the rest of the world will join me. I heard on the radio that they will be taking a sattelight picture of the world in order to capture the flickering candles. A week ago I wouldn't think that anyone would bother but somehow I now think that this weeks events have altered people's attitudes. I know that after re-reading my diary(s) today all I could do was shake my head and wonder what the hell I was thinking. In the grand scheme of things, what do any of my little drama scenes matter!?! There are so many more important things to fight for and think about and care about and live for instead of ranting and raving about life's little trivial matters. I think that once the world begins to emerge from it's "mourning" period it will be a much better...stronger...close-nit world. I think if anything, the people of North America are going to value each precious moment and the 'little' things that make life worth living. Now this might not be a constant practice, but I have a feeling that the Age of Aquarious is truly beginning to emerge from what was a hard as rock society. Please join me outside in lighting a candle at 7 pm EST tonight. Peace...


September 7, 2001.
Wow, has it actually been over a month since I last wrote in here!!??!! Time sure does fly by when you get older. Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote but I would rather not divulge all the little details as I'd wind up writing a novel. Basically -- Kristyn moved to Quebec for school...Jen is back in my life...I quit school...and then I took off for Florida for two weeks to get away from the chaos that I call my life. In between Parasailing, avoiding sharks, dolphin watching, sun tanning, and drinking really really BAD American beer I actually found time to sit quietly and reflect on my past decisions, my present circumstances, and what I want to do with my future. I wrote quite a bit in my other journal while I was away (yes, there is more to my life than I share here! *giggle*), and all the reflecting helped me come to some conclusions about my life. I think I have a better understanding about why I do the things I do. I guess all that's left for me to figure out is how to stop being so dumb and just try to lead a normal life minus the drama. I'm sorry if this diary entry is a little vague...I'm just thinking out loud. And hell, it doesn't have to make any sense - it's my diary! *giggle*


July 30, 2001.
Just a note that I will not be writing any new entries for the next little while. The past five days have been nothing but complicated and chaotic, and true to form, most of this mess I created. Out of respect to everyone involved and the bit of privacy that I do actually try to maintain at times, the only diary entries that you will find for the next while will be positive things I'd like to share and/or anything outside of this past week.


July 25, 2001.
I am exhausted! I went to Ozfest yesterday, and saw Ozzy Osborne, Marilyn Manson, Disturbed etc... It's not exactly my music but I had won the $90 tickets a few months ago. Thirteen hours of pure drinking, music, and fun! For the first 7 or so hours I thought I was the only topless girl there, but I ended up seeing one other topless woman near the end. I met some really hot guys (yes, I AM a lesbian) in the beer tent just before Marilyn Manson was going to perform. They were from North Bay, and did I mention that they were gorgeous??? *giggle* Anyway, my friend and I had accidently separated from the rest of our group so we went to watch Marilyn Manson with these guys. One of them had me on his shoulders for most of the Manson show! MMmMMmMmmmmm... Of course, being as drunk as I was I don't think I ever caught their names. But I guess it really doesn't matter considering I AM a lesbian and all. *rolls eyes* But they were ssssssoooo cute. In case any of you are wondering about Kristyn, don't worry she gave me the okay to flirt as much as I wanted since I am such a flirt (especially when I've been drinking!). And I don't think that she'd be too worried about me flirting with guys, anyway. *teehee*


July 23, 2001.
It is so funny how many moods I can go through in a day, lately! Yesterday when I wrote my diary entry, I was completely negative about anything having to do with love and lust and vulnerability. Well, I've done it again. I've fallen into 'lust' and unwillingly allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. But although the thought scares me, I now want nothing more than to continue this way with Kristyn. We went out on a coffee and hot chocolate date last night to talk about some of the issues that I had as far as a possible relationship with her goes. Her being only 20...bisexual...and moving to another province in a few weeks for school. Me having come from a long-term relationship and the fact that bad timing has always hindered every relationship that I have entered. Actually I don't think I brought up the whole bisexual thing. At one point I did swear that I would never date such a girl again, but it's more from my own insecurities from certain past relationships. Kristyn did say at one point this past weekend, that I had nothing to worry about as far as leaving me for a guy is concerned. I think I have bigger things to worry about anyway, considering she'll be leaving in a few weeks. Ugh! But I am not going to worry about that. Last night we had an absolutely wonderful time! I want us to share as much as we possibly can in our short time together. I want us to discover why it was that she came to me the way she did(Note: Read July 20, 2001). I want these next few weeks to be as wonderful as they possibly can be. Maybe I'm naive...maybe I'm setting myself up to be hurt again. I don't care. I know how I feel around Kristyn...how her vibes just completly penetrate through me. I don't want to give that up. In a few weeks I will have no choice, but that is something that I will deal with then. For now I plan on enjoying this emotional high...


July 22, 2001.
I dreamt about Jen last night. I was with some girl (who didn't look like Kristyn but I think it was her anyway) and we went to go visit my friend Gavi. While we were buzzing up to her apartment, I looked through the glass door and I saw Jen walking past. I remember thinking how odd it was that she still looked the exact same as the last time I saw her (although how much does someone really change in a matter of weeks!?!). The dream was much longer than this but the details are pretty sketchy. All I know is that I woke up pretty upset. I think that I've always been worried that Jen and Gavi would hook if we ever parted because there used to be an attraction between them while Jen and I were broken up a few years ago, which is probably why my dream took place at Gavi's apartment. In my conscious thought I have tried really hard to push any thoughts of Jen out of my head when they pop up, and most times I'm successful. But now she's beginning to invade my subconscious thoughts. Just seeing her standing there, even though it was a dream, was like a slap in the face. I wonder how she's doing. I wonder if she's trying or has moved on, like I am trying so hard to do. I wonder if through mutual friends she has heard about Kristyn. I wonder if she even cares, or whether she ever thinks about how I'm doing. I wonder if I will ever see her again, not in a dream, but in the flesh and if so, then how will we act to one another? I wonder how long it will be until my heart has mended and I will truly be okay again...
The following part is a continuation of July 22 (afternoon)
Jen actually called me this afternoon. It has been 17 days since she broke up with me and I last saw her. I told her that night that I couldn't see her or talk to her, yet all I've wanted all this time is to hear her voice again and know that she is okay. That is why she called me...to find out how I am and to appologise for the way that she broke up with me. (Note: See the July 10 diary entry to read about that) I told her that I haven't been as upset about the fact that we broke up, rather it was the way that she did it that really hurt me. Again she appologised. It turns out that last Friday she ended up going to Tango's (a lesbian bar) too, though Kristyn and I had left at 10:45 and Jen didn't get there until 11. Wow, that would have been awkward! It also turns out that Jen and Gavi were planning to go to Pope Joans until Jen realized that I may not be ready to see her yet. Thank god for that, eh? She asked me today whether it was okay that she called, and I said that I wasn't sure. I told her that yes I did want to know how she was, but that hearing her voice would make it harder for me to deal with the separation. She told me that I could call anytime I wanted, and so I said thank you and that when I was ready I would like for us to be friends but that that was impossible right now. I did tell her that when she moves in September that I would like her to call me and give me the new number so that we don't lose touch. We said our goodbyes, and then I sat in my room in a daze for a few minutes replaying the conversation. I was so excited to hear her voice, but now I am left feeling so 'numb' again...stuck between feelings...scared...confused. You'd think that after all my breakups and all the advice I've dispensed over the years to visitors of my homepage who write to me about their own heartbreak, that I'd be able to move on quickly myself. I wonder if love is even worth this pain. I mean seriously, where does it really ever get you...a ton of memories and mementos that are absolutely useless and a few months or even more of depression and/or darkness. Oh, but wait...then you turn around one day and there's a new possible 'love' knocking on your door and of course you let her in...but what the hell for? A few moments or months or even years of blisfful highs and unavoidable lows? Why do we torture ourselves? What goes up must eventually come down, right? You may argue that some couples actually stay together, which is where I say "yeah, but then one day one of the two will die and what's more heartbreaking than that?" I've devoted my entire young life to relationships...putting them up higher than my education...my ambitions...my friends. Well, I think it's all been a waste of time and energy. Yes, of course I will date but I don't think I'll be able to open myself up as much as I have in the past. Allowing myself to be vulnerable used to be one of my virtues but it has battered this heart of mine so much that I can't bare to do it any more and risk getting hurt yet again...


July 21, 2001.
I'm not to sure what to think or feel right now. Earlier in the week I remember thinking to myself that after every girlfriend I have I always wind up meeting someone else within days without even trying, but it had been weeks since Jen and I broke up and so where was this magical "someone"? Well, that "someone" has arrived. I went out last night with Kristyn (the girl who signed my guestbook and that I wrote about in my last diary entry). She was looking as cute as ever and I was flirting as much as ever. It started inocently enough with me slowly (and nervously) touching her leg...then at one point she began to do the same thing...we held hands a while later...leading into our first kiss. Somewhere along the line our conversation got a little to intense considering I didn't even know she existed a week ago. It was about the whole 'dating' thing. Not that I don't want to be with her, it's just that I've done this quick approach to exclusive dating last year with Cara while Jen and I were broken up for the month and it turned into an incredible mess. Cara got hurt...Jen got hurt...and I got hurt. Now this time around things are a bit different because there is absolutely no chance in hell that Jen and I will ever get back together, so that eliminates one broken heart. But because Jen and I just broke up on July 5, and I am still dealing with that I think that exclusive dating is way too soon for me. But Kristyn is so awesome...very beautiful, very bright, very energetic, and very understanding. But still, although she's known about me for a few weeks, I just met her on Wednesday. And then there's the issue of her leaving in mid-August for school. She's not even going to be in the same Province! So having just come from a 3 and a half year on and off relationship, to Kristyn leaving before this really could even get off the ground, to me being prone to falling hard in lust and love just spells out disaster. This isn't how a relationship is supposd to start out. I like her, but I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. I think the best thing is for us to just casually see each other...get to know each other...and just enjoy each other's company and see how things go. Any comments or suggestions any of you reading this might have would be greatly appreciated... My e-mail


July 20, 2001.
Well, that wasn't too bad. One week of pure hellish thoughts and now I totally feel that my mood has subsided somewhat! My friends have played a key part in helping to lift my spirits. Practically every night since Jen and I broke up, they've taken me out to get me to have some fun. It's funny how much you actually extend yourself to others after you leave a relationship...how many new friends are out there waiting to be made. In the past few weeks I've made four new friends, all cool in their own ways, and have become even closer friends with the girls I work with. In total I now have about 15 new friends that I feel that I could call up and hang with. Now how cool is that? Actually two of these friends came to me in very strange circumstances! The first is a girl named Maya that came up to me at Edgefest a couple of weeks ago. She asked if I had gone to Humber College and when I said 'yes' she got really excited and said that she had thought so because she remembers always passing my ex-girlfriend Heather's locker and seeing us sitting there hanging out and stuff. She wasn't 'out' back then but she said that just seeing a lesbian couple being out and proud around the college made her feel better about herself. We exchanged numbers and are supposed to hang out this coming Saturday. The other friend that I made, was truly bizzare...not her personality but the circumstances surrounding it. I checked my homepage guestbook early this week and discovered that someone had written a comment saying that she had accidently stumbled on my page after doing a web search of "Tango's" (a Toronto Lesbian bar). My webpage was listed as one of the results, yet even though she never bothers looking at strangers websites she decided to click on mine. Up popped a picture of me, and she almost died because she recognised me immediately! It turns out that her friends had seen me everywhere a month ago during Pride weekend. I guess it isn't too hard to miss a pink haired topless girl in a crowd of thousands. *giggle* Anyway, her friends thought I was cute (yay!), and because of that and the fact that I was everywhere they were they dubbed me 'Pink', as in "Hey, there's Pink again". Even cooler was when this girl looked into my homepage she discovered that I lived in the same city as her. So to make a long story short, I saw her comment and decided to write her back and left my phone number. She called me the next night and we ended up talking for a very long time, to the point where I decided to invite her out with my friends later on that evenning. So we ended up meeting, and again there weren't any lulls in the conversation. She's very cool and very cute *wink*. And she's promised me that she wouldn't read anymore of my homepage because she'd rather discover 'me' through interaction instead of having it all laid out for her. We're going downtown tonight to the gay village so that I can show her around (she's only been to the village during Pride weekend). Altogether, my mood today totally contradicts the whole beginning of the week. Don't believe me? Then just read my prior diary entry below... *smile*


July 17, 2001.
I feel myself slipping away again. That black hole that engulfed me after Heather and I broke up seems very real to me again. I can barely manage as smile, and crying is all I ever feel like doing and I can't even do that. I haven't cried since the night Jen and I broke up. I know that if I could just get it all out than I'd feel a little stronger and I'd get out of this damn head of mine. All day, everyday...my thoughts have been completely negative for the past week. Thinking about ways to get back at Jen...psychotic thoughts of suicide...being careless hoping that somehow I'll get in an accident, so then she'll be sorry. I know how aweful that sounds, and just knowing that these thoughts have entered my head has depressed me even more. On top of that I've been going out every night this week with my friends and getting drunk...just to feel somewhat 'happy' again and get my mind off of her. For the first while I was able to hide the fact that I was hurting so much, but now I seem to just mope around and people are starting to ask how I am. I didn't want that. It's not just Jen, that bringing me down. I'm worrying about money now, and about whether I should bother with the program I'm in at school. One thing that is really bothering me right now is how much I am sick of being a lesbian...being different...having my sexuality become 'news' when all it is is another part of me. The thing is that alot of the time it's me that makes it 'news'. Once it's out in the open I make a big deal of it...put on a show for everyone. I don't know why I do it and I always hate myself for it afterwards. I always seem to look for the spotlight but once I'm there I want nothing more than to shrink away. I need to get away. Maybe I should seriously consider moving to Vancouver with Sandra in the Fall and start fresh. Oh but wait...money. Damn! I can't live like this anymore. I feel trapped...with my thoughts...with routine...with this broken heart...with lack of direction. If all of this sounds confusing to you right now, just imagine being in my head.


July 10, 2001.
I feel numb. Actually that's kind of a relief from the flood of emotions I been through over the past few days. Fighting back tears...overexagerating my 'happiness' when all I want to do is scream and run and just go back and make things different somehow. But I can't. Once upon a time, a breakup between Jen and I was nothing new and nothing that couldn't be fixed with a hug or a little flirting. In three and a half years, we've broken up more times than I can count, yet we have always found our way back to each others arms. I've broken up with her...she's broken up with me...we've both called it quits together. You name it, we've tried it. The longest we were ever apart was for 5 months, but that was way back at the beginning of our relationship...so we never truly counted that one. Other times, it lasted less than a month...sometimes only a few weeks. Just enough time to regroup and remember just how much we loved each other. So then we'd enter the 'honeymoon' stage... again...and stop taking each other for granted...again. We broke up at the end of last January...mutually...and we both were certain that although we loved each other it would never work between us in the long run so we shouldn't bother trying to mend this tattered relationship anymore. We both truly thought that it was final...that we were over. But of course, a month later we were back in each others arms. But it was different this time. We were together because we couldn't deny that we enjoyed each other and missed each other, but we refused to call what we were doing 'dating' and therefore abandoned all restrictions and rules and expectations that came with the label. And lo and behold it actually worked, or at least I thought. We didn't fight anymore and we actually looked forward to seeing each other. Things were 'special' again. That's how I felt five days ago. Last Thursday, Jen insisted I come over because she hadn't seen me for a few days. When I got there she hugged me and kissed me...later on she asked if I'd like to join her in the bedroom, but I had just come from work and wanted to shower. We cuddled a bit, and a couple of hours later she sat down across frmm me and told me that she couldn't 'do this' anymore and vhat although she loves me 'alot...alot' she wasn't 'in' love with me anymore. In all the times we've ever broken up, falling 'out' of love was never the issue. Her words stung. I'd rather have heard that she had cheated on me or something. Her words meant that this time the breakup would be permanent. I knew that the moment I took off for her balcony just sobbing. I knew that as I stood there screaming inside my head not knowing what had gone wrong in those few hours since she had cuddled with me and kissed me softly on my kneck and cheek. I knew that as I looked down over the balcony and contemplated the fact that I actually wanted to jump. Then I thought of my family...my brother and sister...my mother...my dad. I thought of Heather and how I had thought that breakup was the worst I had ever had and yet I still eventually pulled through and found happiness again. I keep reminding myself of that, whenever I catch myself missing Jen...aching for what was and what can never be again. Jen and I had a wonderfully bumpy three-and-a-half years together...off and on...but always together in one way or another. I have been so angry...so sad...relieved even at times...but right now, today, I feel numb. But it's after midnight, and here I am...another day further from Jen's heart, but another day closer to someone else's. It never gets easier from one girl to the next when it comes to breakups, but I will survive this as I have in the past...one day at a time...





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