like i say, this picture says a lot about where amber came from ... so if you're interested in this story (myth?) & not easily bored, here goes ...

This is is one out of the very first set of pictures that I took of myself.  And, despite years of cross-dressing (although without a wig), this picture came as quite a revelation to me.  Years of denial about my appearance came tumbling down.  You see, that's me in the picture.  No waist cincher, no padding, just me.  I'd always had a problem finding trousers or jeans that fit me ... unless I wanted to cross the store to the misses' department  ... as you can see for yourself,, maybe these jeans don't fit me too badly? ;) Anyway, believe it or not, I went through the first forty years of my life somehow managing to more or less delude myself about how I looked.  Somehow I was able to essentially deny all the various evidence that accumulated over the years that maybe I didn't quite look like a man is supposed to.  (This has  included wolf-whistles from guys as I walk by them ... many many times ... and not in drag ... and I'm 6 ft tall and about 200 lbs as well, so go figure ... is it the figure?)  Somehow I was able to delude myself -- that is, until that fateful day that I bought a wig and a bra and a Polaroid camera and took some pictures ...

my apologies for how long this is getting ... if this bores you, here's you're escape back!

But then, with the pictures staring back at me, I could really no longer avoid reality.  Kind of weird that I could live in my body for so many years, view my body and face reflected in the mirror, yet never really SEE it.  But in retrospect, this denial was only happening in my conscious mind ... because in my unconscious (semi-conscious?) the signs and evidence had broken through many years earlier, rattling around in there ... because after all  I'd started cross-dressing in adolescence.  'Cause somehow I knew that I just didn't fit as a man, pretty much based on that I didn't look like a man --- but gee, if I didn't fit in as a man, then what if I were a woman?  (A very very delayed puberty didn't help things either -- but that's another story!)  Anyway, for many years my unconscious self know the story but my conscious self refused to admit it.  Until the pictures.  Then, BLAM!!  Yeah, I'd always cross-dressed ... but it was pretty much divorced from the rest of my life ... but since the pictures started, it's been a wild confusing fun ride ... and who knows where it will end ... I can't help but think as I look at some of the pictures, that -- with the body and face that I was given -- I would appear far more "normal" to people as Amber than as I try to present myself ...  at the grocery store or the mall or grabbing a video or out to dine or just about anywhere ... yes, a lot of the time I can't help but feel that Amber would  fit far more than I can ever hope to in my day to day life as the real me ... because, the mens clothes that I wear can only camoflauge so much ... and (not without some sadness & anger) I'm starting to be more accepting of how I must look to people ... I guess, why shouldn't I accept it, since I didn't get to choose what I looked like in the first place? ... and maybe what I like most about dressing up, is that it just seems so right for me, I can actually feel a bit good about myself for a nice change of pace from the usual  ...

am i crazy? why do i love being amber so much??? sometimes i just don't know which end is up ...