by

Tim Murphy

KINGSTON (NQP) - In July, 2000, as a result of their alleged actions in defence of democracy, three OCAP (Ontario Coalition Against Poverty) activists (John Clarke, 46; Gaetan Heroux, 45 and Stefan Pilipa, 24) were forced to pay extortion money, pending legal harassment (though, given the government's contempt for due process, perhaps 'legal' is overstating matters), in order to be released from forcible confinement.

The assaults committed upon their persons, for which the State presumably has no intention of recompensing them, including being banned from Queen's park (the Ontario Provincial Legislature, which they own and pay for, along with every other citizen, which brings up, to this reporter's mind, the interesting question of how you can trespass on your own property), as well as the removal of their right to associate with one another or other citizens with similar goals (goodness knows the State would NEVER want the poor or the marginalized to band together, now, would it?).

Now, however, NOISE QUEEN, thanks to an exclusive inside source (it wasn't easy to sleep with Ontario Human Rights Commission Chairman Keith Norton, due to the fact that he HAS been with several Tory tyrants, and there is not enough latex or polyurethane in the world to counteract the harmful effects of being screwed by them, but sacrifices must be made in the name of objective journalism), has learned that a few others are soon to be banned from the vicinity of the Legislature, and, in the name of truth, justice and the Americanized way, these names must out!
Mike Harris - the Premier of Ontario himself! Yes, shocking, but true. It might be argued that, until recently, he has done the job for us by barely showing up to the Legislature, especially during periods of maximum forcible sodomy being perpetrated against the people of Ontario. Unfortunately, he has begun to show his face around the premises again, since presumably even he grows bored of golfing (which is strange, since this reporter cannot picture anything he would enjoy more than hitting Mr. Harris' balls with a club day in and day out). His environmental crimes - his lack of accountability for other offenses and the way in which he delegates blame - the cavalier way in which he makes and breaks promises, like not calling after he's screwed the province, and then having the nerve to say he respects us the morning after when he didn't the night before - the fact that he is a clear and present danger to the livelihood and survival of the vast majority of Ontarians - these are all things for which he cannot go unpunished, and someone so vile must clearly be kept away from the tools of his trade in human misery.
John Baird - the Minister of Community and Social Services, a title which has an increasingly bitter taste, given the way in which he seems determined to kill off any sense of community or decency with his snitch lines, and the way in which service seems to increasingly be expected from those who should be served, and said obeisance being expected upon the giant cock of Mammon and business interests (I suppose he expects that will supply the protein so sorely lacking from the diet of welfare and disability recipients). And how nice to have sent out a big colour brochure on how successfully he is killing off the bodies and dreams of, at best, a permanent sub-class of slave labour and, at worst, the next guests of an increasingly vicious and pointless prison industrial complex. I'm sure that, boiled down long enough, it will make a satisfying gruel for those he would see starved and in tattered clothing and afflicted with typhoid (if the poisoned water in and of itself does not achieve that, sub-standard housing will certainly contribute to the resurgence of diseases previously thought extinct in Canada - there is some evidence it already has...).
Elizabeth Witmer - Health Minister. Cuts to hospitals - hospital closings in towns where the nearest hospital is one heck of a long ambulance ride (not that you can get an ambulance, thanks to making THAT system more 'efficient', i.e. cheaper) - the declassifying of various surgical procedures from coverage by OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan - a slightly kinder, gentler Medicare), including such 'cosmetic' things as annual physicals (and the physical necessary for children to enter school), gender-reassignment and the most efficient test for prostate cancer (given the boy-heavy nature of this government, that puzzled this reporter at first - but perhaps it is the paradox of having enough balls to be so mean-spirited and narrow-minded, yet not enough to actually explain and/or justify these actions with anything more precise than 'common sense' or 'efficiency'). (We attempted to reach Ms. Witmer about the bad medicine of her ministry's actions, but our interview was classified as non-essential and removed from the list. Perhaps she feared we would cut too deeply...).

We are operating under no delusion that banning these individuals will necessarily solve these problems. There are more than a few evil figures waiting to take their place, and it might simply result in people with even greater levels of incompetence being moved into positions better filled by blow-up dolls or Pokemon plush toys. However, the actions of the above-mentioned politicians are demonstrably inimical to a large percentage of the Ontario population's interests. To quote Toronto Police Sergeant Jim Muscat: 'We ask that demonstrations be conducted in a peaceful manner. If it's not, we can't look the other way.'

Well, Jimmy, these morons are DEMONSTRATING warlike, aggressive, immature, crimes-against-humanity tendencies. It is up to you to do your duty, Sir...we know you will, being here to serve and protect (it never says who, but we like to think it's us...or at least we like to delude ourselves...).