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Saturday Morning Sodomites

By Tim Murphy

I must extend my eternal thanks to Jerry Falwell for once again showing us the way. Aren't the makers of the Teletubbies clever? They market a doll that says homophobic things (Po), to draw our attention from the fact that one of the dolls (Tinky-Winky) is, you know, THAT WAY. Those darned sneaky liberals in pablum programming! (In case you think this is paranoia, it is a fact that the voice of Tinky-Winky (and that name - I mean, doesn't it just SOUND kinky? *grin*) was done by a gay man, who had some input into the fashion sensibilities, no doubt, since most people who play animated characters seem to have their personalities grafted onto the creation - so, for once, the Right is right *wink*).

Of course, we must all give praise to televangelists everywhere, a terribly underappreciated and underpaid group. After all, were it not for Oral Roberts, we would never have known that God was still up to the terrorist ways He started with trying to force Abraham to kill Isaac, drowning the world and destroying two cities for being impolite, and was adding extortion to His list of vices. Hallelujah, I love them so!

However, we cannot expect them alone to save us from the 'Saturday Morning Sodomites'. Therefore, as a good Christian (well, not ACTIVELY Satanist, anyway...) girly-man, I have put together a little list of other dangerous subvertors of our (read, "white middle-class conservatives'") children:

Zoltar - One of the main villains from Battle of the Planets, a Seventies Japanese TV animated show - imagine Power Rangers meets Sailor Moon, with a touch of Transformers and Animorphs tossed in. I mean, what is UP with this androgynous creature? Is it a boy or a girl (actually, the back story says s/he alternates, at least in the original Japanese series that was adapted for North American viewing...)? Those lips (the only lips on the show that appear to be wearing lipstick) - the flash of blonde hair when s/he was almost unmasked - what is a normally gendered child to do but give up and raid his/her opposite-sex parent's wardrobe closet? And, furthermore, there is always the hero, Mark.

In addition to his being a supersexy hunk that definitely turned me gay, what is this about him having a 'special friendship' with another member of the hero team, Princess, that precludes him having any contact but friendship with women? Hmmm?



Daphne and Velma - Velma is a dyke. Oh, please - everything about her just screams it - her appearance - her clothes (slightly butch/femme interface - I know, I know - she wears a skirt - but that's camoflauge, and, besides...so did Gertrude Stein) - the way she can lift both Shaggy and Scooby Doo effortlessly - the fact that she knows how to fix the Mystery Machine too. As to Daphne - what's with that scarf around her neck? Could it be concealing an Adam's Apple? Inquiring minds want to know - take off the damn scarf, Daphne! (And need I mention that Fred wears a scarf too - perhaps to conceal 'his' LACK of an Adam's apple?)


Gazoo - From The Flintstones. He has a funny voice - he talks with an exaggerated and campy style - he addresses Fred and Barney in very catty ways. And he floats - I mean, talk about light in the loafers! He grants wishes - don't FAIRIES do that sort of thing? And why exactly WAS he exiled from his home planet? They were sort of vague on that point...



I could go on. Josie and the Pussycats - what all-girl band (that plays instruments - for some reason, I'm reluctant to even think of anyone from Spice Girls as queer...) in recent history HASN'T had a queer member? Archie - need I mention Big Ethel? Or the strange sort of daddy/bitch relationship between Moose and Dilton?

And, then, of course, there's always real life programming. Uncle Arthur from "Bewitched"? Dr. Smith from "Lost in Space"? Any character Bea Arthur has ever played (yes, they're generally viewed as straight, but, trust me, they're deeply closeted at heart...)? Luckily, children aren't all that influenced by real people (including, sadly, Jerry Falwell...) - only two-dimensional cartoons that they cannot interact with in the day-to-day world have any effect. Otherwise, we'd be in trouble...children might start to seek out role models, and goodness knows what would happen if they started to examine the world around them and thought for themselves...that clearly cannot be allowed to happen. Instead, they should turn to the example of a poorly written and poorly translated collection of orally transmitted or second-hand documents whose authorship and non-tampered-with-status is ambiguous - that makes a lot more sense, and will keep the children safe (and ignorant)...particularly if someone ignorant and unsafe (like, oh, a televangelist) shows them the way...

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