( preliminary extremely rough excessively gloomy cut)
 

                     I realized I wasnt fitting into the male role around five years old. I wasnt fitting in with the other boys,and I didnt care. I wanted to be with the girls. Of course they wouldnt have me because I was a boy. So I withdrew. I spent most of my school days being abused and ridiculed. The whole time I withdrew and imagined how things should have been.  I remember when I had daydreams the role of myself was a grown beautiful woman. Before bed, I'd pray intensly to god to reverse this horrible mistake. When I'd awake a boy,Id go off to school and my torment disapointed. Around fourth grade,I read a magazine article about Christine Jorgenson. I imediately decided that must be what I am. I was now screwed on ever reaching normal development. The boys life I led repulsed me. The other boys represented cannibals to me. I fealt like my life was some perverted punishment I was being forced to endure. The seeds of bitterness and contempt had been planted. I plodded along like an aging actor in a bad role. Doing the best "boy" I could do.
                When I got to junior high I was still screwed up. I had a few boy friends on my block,and I had fun with them. But the feeling of not wanting to fit in continued. I was now convinced that I'd go off and become a woman after legal age. I'd walk to school imagining myself a twenty year old or so single woman.
              And still...............I prayed occasionally for divine intervention.
              By high school hormones in my body were in overdrive. My gender neuter body was very much becoming irreversibly masculine. And I grew. God help me I grew.   The old dream of  escaping my fate seemed to being taken away from me. The torment at school continued. My grades were failing. And things were breaking down at home. I began a drugs and partying stint that lasted until I was about twenty two. I didnt care what happened to me because I fealt my ultimate dream of escaping my male life was out of reach.I decided that men were supposed to be cruel hateful peaple. And I had learned the role well.
            After a breif live together with a girl I went to barber school with,gender dysphoria reared its ugly head again. We were about the same size and she left a closet full of clothes. I began crossdressing constantly and began to believe maybe the world I despised might accept me as a woman. But by now I was a being of pure negative emotion,and self defeatism took its course.
           I returned to denial.................again.
           I eventually met my wife. We had lived together for about a year,and I told her about the crossdressing. I didnt explain gender dysphoria very well and she didnt think much of it. I dropped the issue and never brought it up again.
           Until about a year and a half ago. The rest has been a wirlwind. Im still married. My wife "tries" to understand. I still try to keep the dysphoria at bay. I dont do it very well  some days,but I try.  My life has left me bitter and resentful mostly. My wife is my only source of happiness and I love her. I am half "mad" after thirty four years of this. I have no clue what my future is. I only hope I find peace someday.
         The thing is,Cynthia Nichole existed. No one saw her but me,because I was her. My wife has seen her. She helped me to open Pandoras Box. My "other" side has been my obsession,my source of confusion. And my rock to cling to my whole life.But I am as much her as I am my solid self.
         I am a confused hostile person.  I have a maddening psychological disorder.   I am also a realist, Cynthia Nichole has always stood in the way of getting on with my life. We share a mutual love hate relationship. One of the most important things Ive learned is this can be your biggest problem or it can be fun. If you obsess on the gender dysphoria,you'll go crazy. If your married and love your spouse. Just go on and become your hidden self every so often. I will not die bitter. I will find peace.  If anyone who knows me reads this.    This is why Im nuts.   Go easy on me *smile* Home
                                                          Updated
        As of lately,I have to say its obvious the obsession of gender dysphoria can become a bigger problem than the gender dysphoria its self. Try to find other things to be interested in. My current diversion is building webpages. Remember that when you log off the internet and turn off the computer.  The "real" world isnt nearly as accepting as our online sisters. I plan to create a photo record of my inner demon. Hopefully Cynthia will eventually look as beautiful to you as I perceive her to be. Remember,the internet isnt reality. If your not cutting it in the gender the public percieves you as. You probably wont succeed in the other. Try to enjoy your life. Dont be along for a ride in it.