My Personal Perspective

I'm not sure where to start, except to say to begin with that I think we're all bisexual to some extent, and have to figure out just where on spectrum we lie. I think we've generally been lead to lead that it should be black-and-white, and perhaps it is for a few, but I think a very large number of us have at least slightly mixed feelings and attractions.  I guess I'm rather passionate about this subject, having in the last couple years seen several friends IRL (in real life) who seem to have suddenly "discovered" a passionate interest in other women. I had the luck to work these issues out for myself early on, though there was a lot more angst than should have been necessary, from the angst of my own unsupported confusion, to the pain of having lovers who compromised our relationship in order to try to hide it from everyone. But in the case of my friends, who were my age - 30s - it has generally been a really ugly life upheaval, as they often had husbands and in some cases children.  Some have had to jeopardize these relationships, just to satisfy an unbearable curiosity they weren't even sure would lead them to wanting to live their lives differently, but one they could no longer live their lives without having satisfied. Having seen this, my first advice to women, especially those younger and/or unattached, is to come to some resolution of this issue now rather than risk having it resurface later after some life choices have been made, and resolving the issue may be much more difficult. For those who have made some life choices, or are uncomfortable about the idea that you might discover that you're not "straight", I'd offer some reassurance that it may just be that small interest that probably just about every woman has coming to the surface, and that coming to terms with it need not disrupt your life - though I can't say that it won't.

My Historical Perspective

In the late 80's and especially the 90's it seems to have become more acceptable, even popular, for women to be at least experimentally bisexual - not just from the guys' perspective being turned on by two women together, but amongst women themselves.  There has been the sort of fad on college campuses of LUGS (Lesbians-Until-Graduation - apparently a phenomenon of the late 80s or early 90s, which I don't think I heard of until after I was out of grad school). Movie themes of bisexual and lesbian women seem more in the mainstream, and more attractive to women themselves, rather than being the stuff of male-fantasy pornography.  My perception of the younger generation is that is that bisexuality has been more accepted and that women are coming to terms with it more easily and at a younger age, though that's not to say that the situation is ideal by any means. There are now popular and alluring bisexual and lesbian roles, and real-life role models, in TV and film: Sharon Stone in Sliver, Madonna and her book "Sex", Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche, "indie" movies like Chasing Amy and High Art, and on and on.....

As for my generation, my perception is that many of us had difficulty identifying with the hardcore lesbian feminists, and wanted to be "straight" and at least comparatively mainstream.  

First, Relax, and let me reassure you a bit

You may be just curious, and there's nothing to worry about.

Explore your feelings and test the waters

I highly recommend going through a gradual process of coming to terms with your feelings and desires, before plunging into any personal or sexual explorations. Especially if you come from or still live in a environment with strong disapproval of homosexuality and lesbianism, , I highly suggest starting with counseling or at least a lot of readign and reflection before proceeding in any way. Exploring your feelings does not necessarily mean acting on them, in the same way that someone in a committed relationship doesn't necessarily act on their feelings of attraction to other members of the same sex as their partner.

Dealing with existing partners

This is the one I'm least qualified to say anything about, as I've not been confronted with it or tried hard to avoid it - the latter because of some of the messy situations I've seen.  I highly recommend fidelity, or at least honesty, if you're in a relationship.  I also recommend against trying anything new as a "three way" thing, or bowing to a boyfriend's pressure to get involved in such a thing .  A threesome is probably the wrong way to initially explore sexual interests with such emotional and personal charges, besides being difficult to juggle in even the best of circumstances.

Trying out a relationship

Ideas for starting your explorations

• Lesbian/Gay magazines (Curve and Girlfriends should be available at a good newsstand)
• Still images of beautiful women and women making love
• Written erotica about female romance and women making love
• Mainstream or softcore movies with lesbian relationships
• Hardcore movies with lesbian lovemaking
• Books about lesbian relationships and loving (also see Sexual Issue, below)
• Check out the newsgroup soc.women.lesbian-and-bisexual
• Get a bi or gay woman you know in an personal setting, and tell her what's going on with you
• If you're a student, check out a lesbian/bi/gay group on campus
• Locate a place like a restaurant, bar, dance club, or other place where lesbian/bi women hang out.  If you live in a small town you may need to plan a trip to a big city (better for the comfort of anonymity, also makes it more of a special event). Go out with one or more female friends, preferably ones who know what is going on with you and are supportive (but not necessarily gay/bi)   Dance with your female friends (especially if you're not used to doing so), and see if you can find a natural opportunity to talk or dance with women you don't know.
• Flirt with women - friends it's OK with (especially any support bi/gay ones, as long as they know it's just for fun), women in lesbian hangouts, even strangers if you're daring!  Just remember that curious/bi/firsttime women may have a bit of a bad reputation with established bisexuals and lesbians because, well, you may just be "messing around" and not ready for a serious relationship.  Oh yeah, and if you think you're ready for a serious relationship, don't take it so seriously!  You probably have a lot to figure out, and all parties involved are likely to come out happier if you don't have too much riding on the situation emotionally.
• Massage - talk about "getting in touch" with other women! Taking a massage class offers a lot of opportunity to deal with issues that may come up for you around other women and other women's bodies, as well as being great training for what makes another body feel good.
• Dancing - I found some dancing, specifically some times of folk dancing where I got to alternate with female and male partners, to be a very profound experience once again in terms of bringing up my issues about closeness with women and learning to "be" with them physically.

Sexual Issues

• This can indeed be an awkward area to "feel out" (no double meanings there, wink wink), though many of us have survived doing it just that way. I probably learned a lot in advance by reading my parents' sex books when I was a teenager, giving myself the excuse that I was learning how to coach my future male lovers in pleasing me. There are lots of different styles, not to mention much controversy over styles, from kissing and cuddling and petting, to butch/femme role playing that can involved simulating "straight" encounters with toys like strap-ons, to B/D and S/M. Nowadays there are books written just for women, by women much more qualified to write on the subject than me, that cover all this. I particularly recommend Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World by Susie Bright; it's available at most serious woman-run book and erotic toy outlets (including the most worthwhile Good Vibrations, though you'll have to order their print catalog to get the full listing that includes it, or ask on the phone), and lots more information on the books and other topics is on the Susie Bright website. Another favorite all-encompassing book is The Lesbian Sex Book by Wendy Caster (you can find it by searching at Gay-MART). There's also a section of sexuality books at GoodLoving in Association With Amazon.