Truth and Lies

But this is not about truth but about lies and liars; well actually one liar really. This is the biggest liar I have ever known; someone that you would cross the street to avoid if you saw this person coming down the road. This liar is vile and deceitful; a person that would not know the truth if it was put in front of them on a plate. And that liar is me!!! I am a liar. I have been living a lie for most of my life, and what makes me so despicable is that I have lied to the one person in the world that above all others would have been understanding, compassionate, caring and who would have loved me unconditionally. And that person is also me!!! I have been lying to myself for all my life and that hurts.

As far back as I can remember, to my earliest cognitive memories around the age of three or four, I have always known that I was different. I did not know why, I just knew that I did not fit in anywhere. I enjoyed playing with and identifying with the girls, and they would let me play with them sometimes but not at other times because they did not see me as one of them. I was intimidated by the boys and I never could understand them so I was an outcast there too. And when you are different you are singled out and now you become a victim. So I learned very early on; that in order to survive, you learn to conform, and to conform is to lie and so the lie began. I built this very thick shell in which to hide, a shell that rejected anything remotely feminine; a shell that would become in itself a self perpetuating lie. The more I lied, the more it became "truth" and the truth became the "lie".

Sometimes there would be these thoughts, feelings, emotions and ideas that were feminine and they made me uncomfortable so they were quickly shoved into a "Paradox�s Box" and locked deep within me because I could not be one of "those".

So I grew up in a constant state of denial and internal conflict. I did at some point during my adolescent come to accept the fact that I was a TV but I truly knew that there was something else but I could not rational accept anything else so those feelings were shoved into the box because I certain was not one of "those". And as more and more things were shoved into the box, the box began to take on life. Something was alive and growing in there. You could hear it breathing and I knew that inside was a beast so hideous and so awful that no one in their right mind would ever let it loose on the world.

Sometime around the age of 33, I knew that I was more than just a CD so I accepted the fact that I was TG. This was a major cop out but something I could rationally accept in my mind because I certain was not one of "those". And all the while the thing in the box continued to grow, for now you could hear its heart beating and once in a while you could hear a voice. I could not make out the words, but it was a voice, a sweet voice, a feminine voice, a woman's voice.

Then last year, I finally got the nerve to open the box and to face the awful beast that I had kept locked away all my life. And when I opened the box, guess what I found? I found a f---ing mirror! And it was then that I realized that I had been hiding all these years from myself. I was sad, I was upset, and I was angry; for here I had wasted my entire life being sad and unhappy because I so foolishly could not trust myself with the true.

So on that day I finally accepted the fact that I was TS, and something magical occurred. Everything made since. The questions that I had carried around with me since my early childhood had answers. Questions, as to why I acted this way, why I felt this way, why I thought this way, all finally had answers. It was like the ending of the old Get Smart television show where Don Adams leaves headquarters and all the doors shut behind him. My life now had closer and I was for once in my life happy, the day I stopped lying to myself.

Now here is my dilemma. Have I stopped lying to myself? Am I TS? I have lived the lie for so long, I am afraid that I no longer know the difference between the truth and the lie. I do have doubts. I got very depressed the week after Southern Comfort. You see I had gotten very caught up in the glitz and glamour and partying and I realized that you do not have to be TS (or TG for that matter) to put on a dress and go out to a club and have a good time. This revelation caused all of my old questions and all my self doubts of who I am to come rushing back with a vengeance . After about a week of being very down, I was able to finally bring myself back by going back to my early childhood. A time when there was no gender, no sex, no glitz and no glamour; back to a time where I knew I was different and did not belong. And it was then that I realized that I had been born this way and the only thing that explained it was that I was and that I am TS. I will die TS.

But lets face it. This is no game. This is life, MY LIFE!!! I do not want to make the mistake that some girls have made and regret it for the rest of my life. I want to make the happiest decision of my life. And that IS the TRUTH.

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