 |
No longer can I refer to the name I gave him but to his birth name- someone I do not know This page is for informational purposes only and directed at prospective adoptive parents. |
To be a parent, a father to a child that had none. A dream that I had suppressed for years and started to become a reality eleven years ago when I learned that someone of my lifestyle could be a parent. But now the dream has ended and become a nightmare. In December 1997, Raymie (age 12) moved to our home from Tanager Place in Cedar Rapids. Everyone was joyful. It was not to last. After many anticipated up and down cycles, his negative behavior became much more pronounced during the summer of 1999. On August 11, 1999, Raymie broke into a small safe at home, retrieved a pistol I owned and shot our family cat five times in her face. He also damaged our home with gunshots and spray paint and then threatened suicide. He was sent to UIHC in Iowa City for evaluation. On September 3, 1999, Raymie was released and returned home. He had a new psychiatrist, and 3 social workers. Starting Muscatine high school he was disruptive in class numerous times and sent to the office and was not completing assignments. By April of 2000, he was arrested for tobacco possession and later shoplifting. On April 11, he ran from school all day and did not return home until the following evening after being found by the police. At the recommendation of social workers, he was again committed to UIHC for evaluation. His diagnosis to this point had been ADHD, Conduct Disorder, and Depression. Our adoption worker with Family Resources indicated to me that her belief was that Raymie should be diagnosed Attachment Disorder not Conduct Disorder. I studied, read, attended 3 workshops, and agreed. But no professional would concur or cooperate with that diagnosis. During his April 2000 stay at UIHC, their meaning of Conduct Disorder was explained to us. In very graphic detail it is a brain disorder with no hope or cure and that most prison inmates have the same problem. I cried all the way home that day refusing to believe it and continued to insist his problem was attachment disorder. On April 19, Raymie was moved to Valley Shelter in Davenport, pending placement at Hillcrest Family Services in Dubuque. May 4, 2000 he ran away from shelter and was missing for 8 days. I nearly lost my mind trying to find him. When found on May 12th, he was held at Montrose juvenile detention center awaiting an opening at Hillcrest on June 3rd. The JCO refused to get a court order requested by the doctor so he had no medication while at Montrose. Hillcrest was a waste. During his 7-month placement there, therapy was minimal at best and I was not allowed to speak with the psychiatrist about his meds for over 4 months even though I had made numerous requests. The psychiatrist did change his medication to Risperdol (a very strong anti-psychotic). This medication made a very noticeable improvement in his behavior. The juvenile corrections officer controlled home visits and would not approve visits according to Hillcrest's guidelines. Staffings were postponed and denied as had been previously agreed by the JCO and additional requirements for discharge were introduced. I finally involved my attorney at the suggestion of DHS. Raymie was released to return home in February 2001. We home schooled but with minor success to avoid the problems with the Muscatine High School. His behavior became increasing defiant and uncontrollable during the following summer. He was associating with many negative peers and failing to return home at designated times. We filed again for committal in August 2001. He was evaluated at Genesis in Davenport. The recommendation was made for court ordered out patient services. On August 27, 2001, he ran and was missing for 16 days. When he returned, he assaulted me by pushing me against a wall and using very foul language in a fit of rage. I knew he was spitting his meds and he made comments that he did not need a doctor. He ran again. I later found a note on our coffee table stating he could kill someone. I believe this was directed at me. He has made comments to my partner that he knows people he could ask to hurt me. The court appointed psychiatrist notified the court of his non-compliance. Judge Weaver chose to take no action. My attorney contacted the judge. Judge Weaver stated 'off the record' that he believed we had abused the system and changed our minds too many times. To punish the parent and deny the child his needed services accomplishes nothing. How any judge could consider this 'in the best interest of the child' is beyond many others and me. Raymie stated to my partner in October that he only agreed to the adoption to escape from Tanager Place. With that statement I no longer believe the possibility he has Attachment Disorder and agree that he suffers from Conduct Disorder. I constantly fear for my personal safety. Remembering the fatal demise of our cat and that he is without medication or psychiatric help leaves no hope for the future. Two psychiatrists have recently stated in writing that he could be a danger to others or himself and both recommend hospitalization. My attorney recommends I have NO contact with him for my own safety. On February 1, 2002, Raymie was arrested on assault charges by the Muscatine police. I was informed by the police that three other juveniles held an 18 year old boy on the ground while Raymie kicked him in the face. The victim required emergency medical attention. Raymie was charged with Serious Assault. He continues on run, off meds, and no medical help. I am bitter and angry. The 'system' has failed. I curse the day I gave him my proud family name. Friends tell me I have done everything I could. It is time to let go. If you read this and are considering special needs adoption, study, read, and pray. Please do not contact me with your sympathy enough tears have been shed. If you have specific questions about adoption I will try to help. |