Dominance vs. Abuse

For those on the outside looking in, it's hard to conceive that D/s, BD or SM is anything but abuse. The rationale is such that only an individual who is weak would submit, and thus not willing subscribed to this behaviour if they were in a position of strength. Coupled with this is the misconception that those who are in a D/s relationship, must surely have been abused in their youth. There is however, no scientific evidence to support this arguement and the correlation between the two remains unfounded at best.

There are though, several things that set D/s apart from domestic abuse and one would need to first understand the ideology behind D/s in order to be able to see the distinction. Above all else, abuse has no place in a loving D/s relationship and is neither supported or condoned by the community itself.

The biggest difference is based in consent. In a D/s relationship, everything is consenual. The Dominant listens to and respect the limits set by both parties and has established a mechanism to recognize play that may be pushing a limit to the extreme. With safeguards in place, as well as an understanding of expectations there is little chance of an honest D/s relationship falling into the category of abuse. One need always remember that it is the choice of both parties to be in the relationship and either party is free to leave if they so choose.

Abuse, however, is based in intimidation - the ability to frighten or coerce an individual into submission. There is nothing consensual about this behaviour. In most cases, those who are abused are kept isolated and the abuser works to convince his victim that they are worthless and deserves nothing more than that which they are getting. These action serve to debilitate and the victim feels helpless and inferior. The abuser has little if any control of himself thus he lashes out and tries to take control of that which is around him.

In a D/s relationship, the Dominant is first and foremost in control of himself and knows that the foundation of the relationship is based in trust and respect. The knowledge that her Master would do nothing that would put her at risk resides in each and every submissive who willingly surrenders herself to her Master. Again, the difference here is found in the submissivess willingness to surrender control to an individual who understands the value of the gift and holds it in the highest regard. Through all this, the Master encourages his submissive to be the best that she can be - empowers her to grow and blossom in a thousand beautiful ways.

Yet, it would be unrealistic to suggest that abuse does not exist in the D/s community. There are many, who would use the guise of the Master/sub relationship to justify their abusive behaviour. But, the occurences of this in the D/s community is neither more nor less then within any other part of society. It is important to be able to distinguish abuse from that which is part of a loving D/s relationship. For the most part, the difference are clear. In a true D/s relationship, Masters do not hit, choke or punch their submissive out of anger. They do not threaten them or those around them. They do not isolate them from family or friends. Masters do not strip their submissives of their sense self-worth, demoralize or degrade them. A submissives don't fear their Master.

If you feel, for any reason, that your relationship may be abusive in nature, seek help! There are support groups and shelters in most areas that can assist you in both determining the nature of your relationship and aid in getting you out. Always remember that you are not alone.