Why
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Why
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Contact Me ICQ# 18726013
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WHY This whole mess started 30 years ago when I got it in my head that I was in the wrong body. I knew I was different from everyone else. My world was young and not much was known about Gender Dysphoria. I didn’t even know what the word was for another 20 years. All I knew was that I was different from all of the other little boys and I didn’t know why. I lay here in a hospital bed just a day after having my sex change surgery thinking about my reasons for doing what I have done. Looking back on it all, I wish there had been more information available about this back when I really needed it. I can remember back when I was a child, playing by myself in the back yard. But while all of my male friends were Superman or Batman or some other male superhero, I was playing in my back yard pretending to be Wonder Woman. I even went so far as to write my mom a brief letter telling her that I felt that I was a girl. Yes, I was quite articulate at the age of 6. That did no good what so ever toward addressing the problem. As a matter of fact, I ended up suppressing all of those feelings for a good many years after that. I grew up normally enough, considering the thoughts that were lurking just under the surface. After those initial probings into my true self, everything was quiet for many years after that. That is until puberty hit me like a runaway bus. That was when I discovered that genetics was an unfair thing and that I got the short end of the stick. I also realized that my parents knew nothing about puberty. I had many questions, and I was afraid to ask my only source of information because he might hurt me. I read an article in the local paper about one of the local hospitals no longer doing SRS surgeries because of the post surgical mortality rate. Back in the 70’s, the suicide rate among post op transsexuals was around 80% or more. I found some of my answers at the library and because of my love for reading I made it through. I still had no answers for why I felt the way that I did, as a matter of fact I more questions now than I did several years ago! Over the preceding years, I had read several stories about transsexuals and some factual commentaries about transition and SRS. However, despite the stories about them, there was still no information readily available about the procedure or the requirements to have the surgery done. These were the days of Tula and Peaches before transsexual became a word to be ridiculed on Jerry Springer and other shows. The interview done by Playboy with Tula in the late 80’s helped me out a lot. It pointed me in the right direction and put me on track to get where I am now. At this point in time, I am still a virgin and have not graduated high school yet. I am still in my mid-teens with no real direction in life and no idea what my future has in store for me. I am aware that I am in the wrong body and it really sucks to be a boy. By this time, my stash of female clothing has been discovered several times by my mother and I had had several chances to let my feelings out. Each time my dad stifled me. He was the only man in my life that I was genuinely afraid of. My parents won those rounds by humiliating me into submission. I purged my stashes and stuffed my feelings in that dark corner. The stashes came back after a few months and they got bigger as well. It starts with a pair of pantyhose and grows to a small wardrobe before long. Then comes the realization that this need is out of control and you need to do something about it. So you purge again and all of your stuff goes in the trash or in deep hiding. You can be fine for months or even years, but the monsters will come back at some point. These acquisition/purges kept going for years. Even when I was married and had children. I told my ex-wife about my crossdressing before we were married and she even helped me dress for the longest time. Even after we were married she helped me. She got a bit of a kick out of it. Called me her “Lesbian Lover”. Then she stopped helping me when she realized that this was more than just a passing thing. I was getting better at the makeup and going out more frequently without her. It got to the point that I was going out every weekend without her and she didn’t like it. It must have been the jealousy thing. She knew about my desires long before we were married, but her desire to control me just became too much. We tried to make a go of it, you know. We went to counseling and bared our souls to a complete stranger. I take responsibility for that failing. I was too much of a “man” to admit that I was even partially at fault. Even when the cheating happened I refused to admit that I was to blame for anything. First it was she who messed around, then I for revenge. She was 5 months pregnant at the time and came home smelling like sex. I knew something was wrong when she said that she had a yeast infection. She had a check up a few days before and there were no problems and then all of a sudden a yeast infection? She smelled like sex, and I knew that I hadn’t touched her in weeks! That smell did not come from me! I figured that what was good for the goose was good for the gander so I went out and had an affair as well. The only difference was that mine was with a transsexual. Not much of an affair, but what is done is done. That went on for a few weeks and ended rather abruptly. But during this time, I had thoughts running through my head, and now I had some answers. I pumped my new companion for information and found that my problem had a name- Gender Dysphoria. With this newfound information, I dug deeper and expanded my resources until I had enough information to base a decision on. During this time, we reconciled and got back together after a brief separation. We did well together for a few more years, our son was born healthy and things were going all right. I purged my female clothes and tried to be a man again. Things were cool for about a year when the feelings started showing again. It started with thoughts and clothing followed those thoughts. First a pair of pantyhose, then more intimate lingerie until I had another wardrobe. Of course I hid it from her as usual, but I played with them whenever I could. It went on like that for another 2 years. Up and down, build and purge. All the while trying to love my wife and be a man. A few months later, a car accident changed all that. We were on our way home from Las Vegas; my gift to her for graduating dental assistant school, when I lost control of our car on a rain slicked road between Kingman, AZ and Seligman, AZ. The car rolled over 1 ½ times before coming to rest on its roof. After the world as I knew it stopped moving, I was upside down with my neck bent at an unnatural angle, a shattered shoulder blade and several joint dislocations as well as serious head injuries and multiple lacerations on my upper body. My wife escaped with a minor wound on her upper arm and some scrapes. We spent 3 days in the hospital recovering from our injuries, which gave me some time to think about life as I slipped in and out of consciousness. During this time, I came to the realization that I needed to make a serious change in my life. The investigating officer and the doctors were amazed that I was still alive after a major accident like that. I was too. I realized that if I was ever going to see my dream of being a woman come true, that I had to make the first step. That step came 5 months later when I was in drag at a local bar being verbally assaulted by my soon to be ex-wife. I had gone out that evening in drag to relax and play pool with some friends of mine at a local gay bar. I was there several hours when I saw my wife enter with one of her friends. We exchanged glances and acknowledgements, but nothing more. I thought nothing of it and went about my business. We had argued about my departure earlier in the evening and I thought it was over. She was upset that I had decided to go out in drag without consulting her first. Since when did I have to clear anything with her first? I left anyhow and let it go. After the bar closed and everyone had gone home, I was on my way back to my truck when she stopped me. I told her that we would discuss this when we got home and I started the truck to warm it up. She reached in and took my keys out of the ignition! She said that I was going nowhere until she said that I could. Somehow the conversation turned to my doing drag, and how it was interfering with HER marriage. I realized that she was drunk and that there was little I could do about my current situation. I had never hit her before and although I was tempted to, I was not about to start now. It would have solved nothing. She just needed to run out of steam. She said that I wasn’t man enough to divorce her and that I was a coward for not admitting it. I finally had enough of her crap and told her flat out that I would give her a divorce, and that she would have the papers in 24 hours. That caught her off guard and she eventually let me have my keys back. I knew what she was doing, she was planning to take everything that I own and leave me with nothing. I went home, showered and went to work with no sleep. For the rest of the day, I planned ahead and “sold” all of my belongings to a good friend for $1. I even had all of the serial numbers for my guns and tools. I got home after work and had a discussion with my wife about how things were going to be split up between us. She said that we could talk things out and that all of my preparations weren’t necessary. I felt otherwise and continued. We discussed and discussed until late into the evening and came to the decision that I would leave. It was hard for me to do it, but I figured that if that was what was necessary, it had to be done. She wanted me to pay all of the bills and give her the car too. We had just bought a car after the accident, and she wanted it. I had no problem giving her the car, but I was not about to pay for it if she was going to keep it. Needless to say, that was one of the sticking points of the divorce, but I have gotten off track. I moved out and did some hard thinking. Within 2 months I started HRT and began my transition. I started transition July 4, 1995 and started therapy with a shrink and that is what got me here. Things went downhill for me for a year and a half after I started transition. I lost my truck, my apartment, my job, my kids and countless friends. During this period of readjustment, I had lots of time to do extensive research into the requirements for SRS. I built a computer and had Internet access so that was where I started. I used every keyword that I could think of having to do with SRS and gender Dysphoria and found what I was looking for. After I lost my job, I went to manicuring school and got my license. I moved to Las Vegas after graduating school, and started my life over again. I built another computer and picked up where I left off learning all I could about my disorder. With all of this information at my fingertips, I absorbed it all and became a local expert on the subject. I found the doctors that I needed and taught them what was necessary for my treatment. From General Practitioner to Endocrinologist. I had to teach them all. It seems that the medical community is oblivious to the needs of the trans-gendered community. I took it upon myself to teach them what they needed to know. I studied everything from types of hormones to dosages. I expanded my medical knowledge to include basic anatomy and the “sweet spots” for maximum hormonal absorption. I also learned which natural vitamins enhance the effect of estrogen and experimented with them. I also familiarized myself with the SRS procedure and the various techniques of different surgeons. I knew so much about it in fact, that I was able to pass myself off as post op to anyone who asked about it. I used all of my knowledge and experimented on myself until I found MY optimum levels and as they say, perseverance pays off. I developed a natural 38C cup. I passed this information to my doctors and became a guinea pig for them. The result is what I am today. I still have the most comprehensive knowledge of hormone therapy in the Las Vegas valley and offer it to other TS’s via chatrooms like Ifriends and Cheetachat. I tried the bootleg hormones from Mexico, and got some good results, but there is an added ingredient in them which I can’t identify that causes vicious mood swings and depressions that come out of nowhere. I don’t recommend using them for extended periods of time. You are better off getting prescribed hormones and following the Benjamin Standards of Care. I know they don’t make sense sometimes, but they are a good guide to follow for safety reasons. I followed them and got to my destination. I have spent the last 3 years putting money away for my surgery. I know how hard it is to save $5000 to reach a goal. I blew out my knee last year and got a healthy settlement out of it. I put it away and saved the rest of it by just not spending. I saved until I had the money and started making arrangements for surgery. I found Dr. Pichet Rodchareon in my search for SRS surgeons and made arrangements for him to do my surgery. At the time, his price was $4000 and I had it already in the bank. Over the next month and a half, I got the necessary documentation to have my sex listed as female on my passport. Once that was complete, I was all set to go. There was one little problem. My passport had not arrived yet! I called the number and spent a lot of time trying to track it down. I made an appointment with the passport service and drove to LA to check on it. They said that it had already been mailed out and that I should have it the next day. WRONG! I made it home that afternoon, and postponed my flight and surgery another week in the hopes that I would receive my passport before my departure date. It arrived 2 days after I was supposed to leave and I continued with my plans. I made it to Thailand and here I am writing about it now. This story has taken several days to tell and here as I put the final touches on it, I am 2 days out of the hospital recovering nicely and healing well. I am learning what it is like to truly be a woman. It has been a long 6 years but the end has come and now I am a woman like I have dreamed about being for 30 years. There is a lot of background that I left out, but that is the stuff for a boring book. Maybe someday I will get around to writing it. If you think this history will help others, pass the URL along to them.
Sylvia paris President and CEO Exxtreme Media Productions, Inc. |