Well, it's been nine months and one heck of a summer since I last wrote an entry here. I guess I haven't felt I needed to or at least didn't have the inspiration; hopefully the former. Anyway, I'm still at neutral and the summer yielded nothing of my knowledge of my own sexuality. I think that right now I am wavering and still only slightly exploring while in the closet. This is mainly due to the fact that I have come the reasoning that if I came out this early, I could jeopardize or even destroy my education. I see, now that I'm in college, that my college career is vital to my life in the future, no matter which gender I end up. In fact, my education could eventually lead me to having an easier transformation, especially financially. This summer I spent with the Dubuque Colts Drum Corps, a music group my brother was in 1991 and 1993. It is by far the best experience I have ever had. I'm also finding that in the right situations I can actually be very open in my male persona. At the Colts this became the case, but was not so for quite a while. The only great thing that still troubles me about my experiences at the Colts is that I still felt the need to switch genders regardless of how open I was. I still had an unsettling feeling that I was not who I wanted to be and that I couldn't be excepted as anyone else. Perhaps I will find out more about this in the future, but for now I will continue my studies at school; I'm majoring in Music; and God will lead me in the direction I need to go (speaking of which I haven't had a chance all summer to get to church and today I slept in and missed yet another chance). Thankfully, next Sunday I'm going home and I'll get to go at my own church where my dad preaches (yes, I'll many of you think that's going to be dicey when I finally come out!). Anyway that's all for now, hope you enjoy the short tidbit of my life. Here in college I might write these more since I have more access to a computer now. Josie
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