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Myself
I am from a small place called Yavatmal near Nagpur, Maharashtra,
India. My mother tongue is Marathi. I am 29, 5'6", 145lb, black hair, black eyes,
fair complexion, non-smoker, occasional drinker, straight acting, atheletic
slightly hairy swimmer's body. I am currently working as an Engineer in San Jose, California. I
finished my Masters in EE at Iowa State
University, Ames, Iowa, USA in
August '99. I did my Under graduation at IIT Bombay. I am gay and 'out' to my parents, sister and a
few friends. I am not quiet sure where I will settle down, US or in India. But
I definitely want to have a manufacturing business in India... someday, I
hope. I came to US in August 97. I visited India thrice after coming here
and that was during Jan '99, Apr '01 and Jul '02 . After getting my Masters
degree, I worked in Boise for a while.
Boise was too boring and racist and hence I decided to move to Silicon Valley.
The bay area offered me a unique combination of best place to work and also
proximity to gay heaven San Francisco!!
Now, I sometimes feel, this is where I want to settle down.
Accepting Myself as a Gay
I
always knew that I am attracted to guys but untill the age of 23 I was in
denial. I always fantasized guys. I had a couple of female friends… but they
were just friends. A lot of times I tried to fantasize girls… but they could
never bring me to climax. In the end I had to think about guys and continue on.
A lot of times I didn’t even know when I replaced the girl in my fantasy with a
guy. It was automatic and natural. Once, at IIT I told one of my friends that I
feel attracted to guys and he asked me to concentrate on girls. I tried… but
didn’t work. It never did and it never will. All my friends use to talk about
girls which I always thought as utterly boring.
After
IIT, when I was accepted at Iowa State University (ISU) with a scholarship, I
gathered enough courage to search if there is gay group in the university. To
my pleasant surprise, I found one. Eventually, when I came joined ISU, I didn’t
have courage to go for one of their Wednesday group meetings for more than a
semester. One fine day I finally gathered enough courage to go for one of those
meetings and after that there was no turning back. Initially, I felt
comfortable accepting myself as bisexual… and eventually I felt comfortable
calling myself gay. ISU LGBT
group helped me a lot in accepting myself as gay. Later when I moved to Boise,
I didn’t actively participate in any gay group there. Everything was so white
dominated that I started hating that place and white people. I felt comfortable
as gay nevertheless. Later when I was visiting SF Bay area, I went for one of
the Trikone Potlucks and I finally knew,
this is it… this is where I belong. Now I even volunteer for Trikone. Lately, I
have started volunteering for Billy DeFrank
GLBT Support Center and PFLAG in San
Jose.
There
are tons of email lists, which keep me updated on latest gay news. The ones I
particularly find helpful are [email protected] and [email protected]. Living in the San Francisco Bay area, I hangout with
a group Indian gay friend circle. The group is almost like my family… and a
very important part of my life besides parents, sister and boyfriend. My
friends and me call it desi-parivar. It sure is one cute parivar (meaning
family in Hindi).
My Expectations from a Boyfriend
I
expect my boyfriend to be around my age (+-5yrs ok) and not fat. I am not very
much attracted by very dark people. Being Indian, I am not white and darker
skin as is common to most of the Indians is good. I expect him to be well
educated so that I can have some intelligent conversation with him. I certainly
prefer Indian/Asian guys but white guys willing to learn my culture are also
OK. I want him to be comfortable as gay sexually as well as socially.
Preferably, he should be out to his parents.
Fortunately,
I found one… I did’t get everything I wanted. But hey… relationship involves
compromises. I am happy to have found him. There is a long way to go… its long
life. He is so so sweet but we fight all the time. Thats how we keep our life
spicy!
My First Experience
I love this story. I was only 17 and did not know what homosexuality is. I was studying late night with my classmate at his house. We had exams coming up in a few days. He casually asked me to stay back and go back to my home early next morning, as it was too late. I agreed instantly. As it was not preplanned there was only one bed and only one comforter. It was cold night. Naturally, we slept in the same bed. During night we hugged each other. Both of us enjoyed the night. Soon, studying late night and sleeping together became our habit. We didn’t do much except hugging for several days. Gradually we started reducing the number of cloth pieces on our body until finally we started sleeping naked and even started kissing. We both were still unaware of what homosexuality is. But, things happened spontaneously and we loved it. Although we never gave each other a blowjob or anything beyond that, I still remember those innocently gay experiences I had with my friend. After the final exam at the end of the year, he moved leaving me lonely but with sweet memories to remember.
[email protected] OR [email protected]
'Coming Out' to Parents
I came out to my parents sometime in April 98, when I was in US. I first told my sister clearly what I meant, and asked her to tell it to my parents whenever its good time. I don’t know how exactly they reacted to the news (!), but next time I called them, I found them in denial. My mother said, may be I like some girl here in US, when I said 'No', she asked me if she is 'American'. When I told her I don’t like girls, I like boys, sexually, she remained silent. Again, the next time I called my parents, I talked about it to my father and he said we will talk about it when I visit India, but I continued on the same topic with my mother and she said she will not bother me to marry a girl. I had explained here briefly how difficult it is for gays already and how here expectations will make my life miserable and that would be disastrous for my future life. I am fortunate she understood me (I hope). I talked to my father about it again and he said he would also not ask me to marry. They did not ask me what kind of boy friend I am interested in. I talked to my parents several times after that but not on this topic. They did not show any kind of bias or anger or frustration towards me about my being gay. I thought they are comfortable with it. After that, I visited India in Jan ‘98 to attend my sister's wedding. I didn't know what we would discuss about this. But there was NO turning back now. They love me and they should love me no matter what my sexual orientation is. I thought my parents were too busy with the wedding function.
But finally it came... my parents sounded very serious. My mom tried to convince me that marrying a woman is best for everyone and all that... but I am not going to change. She even tried to blackmail me emotionally, but I told her... that's not going to change me. I gave her some material to read about homosexuality, which a friend of mine from Humsafer Trust Bombay gave me. She did not want to read it. Unable to keep this 'family secret' to herself, she told it to her sisters i.e. my 'maushi's'. One of this maushi later visited Chicago, her daughter's place. When I meet her on my next Chicago trip, we had a good 'Mahabharat' drama talk there. They tried to convince me that heterosexual life is right one and all that. But, I will have to tell them about alternative lifestyles also. Anyway... it will take time for them to completely accept me.
One more interesting thing, I saw the movie
'Bombay Boys' with my father!!! After the movie I asked my father what he
thinks about the gay character in it and he only said, "See, I personally
do not approve of this but finally its up to you. Your mother and I have a lot
of difference in opinion but we are a happy couple. Differences in opinions are
bound to be there. You are still my son."
Oh! How cute! Well its not the same story second
time I visited my parents in Apr 2001. Now they were pushing me for marriage.
How sad? My mom was trying all that she can to convince me and she hoped I will
give in to the pressure. She cried long hours. My father even said, "If
you live with a guy, we will not enter your house and you also can not step in
our house". Easier said than done! I am 100% sure they cannot do such a
thing. It took me several years to make myself comfortable as gay. They will
also need that much time to feel comfortable. After all, all they want is to
see me happy in life. Well, that’s my next goal. To show them I am happy with
my homosexual partner. (My Boyfriend... I had not told them about him yet. I
had met him just a few months ago and I did not want to tell my parents about
him so soon.) Another thing they worry is what will they answer the society.
Well, if they move with me to US… they wont face their society. Gosh! So many
things to work on. Convincing them I am happy may be easier than pulling them
out of their dear old place, Yavatmal. Since, I am the only son, I have to take
care of them. I am working on both these fronts. I hope I can also make my
parents happy. This time I could not have good conversation with my parents
because my sister gave birth to cutest babygirl.
Then I got back here, but everytime I talk to
my parents, I would tell them a little bit about my boyfriend. I just told them
he is my close friend. We go here and we go there and we cooked this and that. All
the little things in life. Once me and my BF had a fight and my mom offered to resolve
the differences thru email !! So sweet of here... sometimes I thought she knows
who he really is... my BF.
So third time I visited India, there was more
drama and plenty of time for conversation. I guess I should have given my
parents enough time to ask questions and get their answers from me. That
probably could have saved them a lot of misery and worrying for me. My mummy
usually helps my father in out studio, but this time she decided to stay home
and talk with me (or should I say convince me to get married). We had a lot of
conversation. I told her about my boyfriend and that took care of sevaral
questions... where will you find a guy like you? is he going to be Indian? Will
he understand us and support us in future? Will he be able to take care of us?
Can he take care of you? How can two guys get along in an intimate
relationship? Well during all the year long conversations on the phone, my
parents already knew me and my bf get along very well.
Then there were next set of questions...
related to children. How will you have children? Who will take care of you in
your old age? When I said, I could adopt children, my mom was hesitant and said
'our blood is our blood'. I said I could go for artificial insemination. Also,
no matter if they are your own kids or adopted, there is no gurantted that they
will take really good care of you in old age. This is fact and she could not
deny it.
Eventually, after most of her worries were
answered, she showed more signs of acceptance. Every now and then she would get
all emotional... but I realized she really worries about me and she wants to
make sure I am taking this step with a lot of thinking.
'Coming Out' to Indian Friends
Coming out experiences with Indian friends.
In
India
I came out for the first time to a friend of mine, SB at my native place, Yavatmal. We were talking on the terrace of his apartment about general things when he told me that our friends are a bit too much obsessed with girls and claim that they can’t study because of that etc. He asked me if I have that kind of problem. Obviously I did not have...although I was attracted by boys and that use to make me... unable to concentrate so much on studies. I replied ...not at all...not from girls...but I sometimes cannot concentrate due to boys... he was very much surprises and was wondering how can I like boys!! None of us really even knew that homosexuality exists. But he just said... hmmm and we never talked about it later and we are still good friends.
When I visited India in Jan 99, he had a
scientific theory for me!! He said that man goes through 4 phases sexually, in
the first phase he indulges with his own sexual parts and is attracted by his
own body, in the second one, which lasts for very short time, you are attracted
towards other people of either sex, in the third phase, you are attracted by
opposite sex and in the fourth one... no attraction... the so called "Vairagya".
According to him, I am still stuck in the second phase!! Well, I don't think
so.
When I visited India in Apr 2001, this guy had few more theories for me ranging from lack of hormones to getting sexual peak experience in second stage (of the stages mentioned in earlier paragraph). Well, I proved all his theories wrong. My parents tried to rope him in to convince me to get married. He is more convince of what I say so there is no way he can help out my parents. He! He!! We are still good friends.
Second person I came out was my friend in UG School, AI. I told him that I am (also) attracted to men and he just replied...but I am not and why are u telling me all this. After that we never talked about it and we are still friends. Someday later when we were talking about some fun thing...the word gay popped up and he was kind of hinting at me something but I did not know that gay had this other meaning too. He told me that it also means homosexual and after that he made comment ‘I was expecting u to know this word'.
Third person I came out was my friend in UG School. It was kind of well known secret that some wing students in our hostel do indulge in homosexual behavior when I remarked...so what...I also have don’t it in the past. He was very much surprised because I use to claim that I have a girl friend. I asked him if that bothers him...and he replied not at all. He is still my great friend.
When I visited India in Jan 99, I came out to
one more friend of mine, NM. Initially he was shocked... but that was more
because he thought 'gay' means I am not fertile. When I told him what exactly
'gay' means he was OK. But still insisted that I should marry a woman. He
immediately started making plans to take me to Bombay for a very effective
treatment according to him.... go to the prostitutes there and taste the
experience. Well... I don’t like it.
When I visited India in Apr 2001, he tried to convince me to get married again. Looks like he is totally convince with my parents and really trying to help me. Only I wish he understands he is not helping me but harming me by pushing so much. Again, he offered to go to prostitutes and all that. I told him; in US I can get much better if I want… Only if I want. He is giving up finally. Fortunately... he is still a good friend of mine.
I never felt that anyone of my friends behave
in a biased way with me because of this. They really want me to be happy. Gee!
I have some good friends afterall!
Coming out experiences in US
The first time I came out was to my roommate, AM when I was about to change my apartment. I told him I am bi and he was shocked. He asked me to concentrate on girls. The next morning he asked me if I could sleep in the living room. I started at him with big eyes and said 'What?', he didn’t say anything but didn’t come to sleep home that night. The next night he didn’t sleep at all, kept studying. I told him that he need not worry as I am not gonna attack him or something.
Second person I came out is my good friend K. The only thing he said was 'Just remember that I am straight'. I replied 'I know that, don't worry'. After that although we didn't meet very often as I moved had moved far away, he talked like before when ever we use to meet each other.
Third coming out experience was very positive for a change. This good friend of mine, SN always use to talk about not being biased, so when we were going to Minneapolis, just two, I told came out to her. Initially she was surprised, but was supportive all the time. I often talk to her about this side of my life and she encourages me accepting me as my own self.
Fourth coming out experience was again not positive. I told another friend, SS of mine and she refused to believe. Even after showing rainbow sticker on my car and explaining her what that means, she refused to believe it. I showed her a novel on gay issues in my car, but still she was skeptical. After that I think she takes less to me.
Fifth coming out experience was positive. My friend RR asked me whether the rainbow stickers on my car have any meaning or do I know what they can imply. I said certainly i know and that's why they are there. She had a lesbian roommate before and she is quiet open-minded.
Sixth coming out experience was also positive!! This friend of mine, CB landed here from India for his studies. I helped him a lot to settle down here. We just got friendly and I told him. Surprisingly he was OK with it. He is still a good friend of mine and telling him did not change his behavior at all.
The seventh coming out experience was also positive. This friend SDB got job in the same company as mine and we were thinking of sharing an apartment together as we initially thought it is gonna be too expensive to stay alone. I told him that if you want to share an apt with me... you should know that I am gay. Not that I want anything from you... like that... but you are free to change your mind. Surprisingly... he said this is not gonna affect his decision. Later on, I found a place to live with some other gays and he found a cheaper place to live for himself and so we decided not to share and apartment. He is still a good friend of mine.
I think Indians who come to US tend to pick
up the bias against homosexuality from Americans. I am not sure how true this
is, but at least that’s what I can conclude from my experience.
Now I am out to I dont know how many people! Almost all my batchmates in IIT know I am gay. Some of my hostelmates from other batches also know I am gay and instead of asking me 'When are you getting married?', they ask 'How are you guys doing?' Somehow I feel that, the fact that they knew me as a person, a friend before they knew about my sexuality made a difference. Now they are gay-friendly not only to me but to any GLBT person.
Funniest 'gay' related Incident in my Life
I am involved with Indian cultural activities on ISU campus. After the success of one of the events organized by us, we all decided to celebrate it with a dancing party at some good dancing bar around. A friend of mine found 'Gardens' in Des Moines (around 40miles from Ames) as the best dancing bar around. It also has a reputation of being a Gay bar. I had never visited a gay bar in my life before and I was curious too. On the way to it some of our group were reconsidering going to the bar. I was strongly supporting to go there but other people were unnecessarily worried. All of them didn't know I am gay, but they started me teasing as if I am gay. I liked it and they thought I have a good sporting spirit! While we were dancing there, some Indonesian guy suddenly wanted to talk to me, I avoided. But finally when I went to the restroom he got me there and started talking. I told him this is not right time, but it was too late... one of my friend noticed me with him and it was enough for them to tease me even more. I still had the photograph of my so-called girl friend in my pocket, which I showed them to prove I am straight. But, even now they keep teasing me and I like it!! It is also irony that I visited the gay bar for the first time in my life with all straight friends of mine (or so I think).
My Romantic and Erotic Fantasy
It may seem weird to you, but the sexiest thing I feel is hugging and kissing. I just love it. To me the most romantic, erotic thing would be to dance with my boyfriend in a candle-lit huge room, with some soft music like Kenny G in the background. Or lie down and cuddle with my boy friend in a small boat sailing smoothly in a calm lake in a moonlit and star-studded clear sky, of course with soft Kenny G music in the background. I don't want to be naked in these fantasies; I want me and my boyfriend, to wear soft silk shirt and trousers. I just want to hug and kiss all the night.
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