Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you every year, trying to be the perfect Christmas gift, wearing skimpy bathing suits in cold weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it’s PAYBACK TIME!
There’d better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown. So, here's my holiday wish list:

  1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
  2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
  3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him anatomically correct.
  4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
  5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
  6. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just doesn't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.
  7. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips. Or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
  8. No more homesteadonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
  9. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

    Ok, That's it, Santa. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

    Yours truly, Barbie

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