--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject Re: Need Advice From "Chris Twombly" Organization unknown Date Mon, 25 May 1998 22:23:43 GMT Newsgroups soc.support.youth.gay-lesbian-bi Message-ID <3576eee1.4336034@news.qut.edu.au> --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Response to: "Need Advice" on NG. >I'm a 20yr old male who's unsure of what I am. I have strong emotional feelings >for girls, but hardly any sexual feelings. Yet I have strong sexual feelings >towards men yet feel few emotions towards them. If anyone has advice or has >been in the same situation, please get in touch. I know labels aren't important >but I want to know if I am classed as gay or bi? Hey, I just thought it was interesting that what you describe is basically how I feel. I'm 25, so basically I've had five more years than you of stressing out and not knowing how my life is going to work. Here's my situation, just for your reference: I had pretty much classified myself as "bi" for most of my teen and early adult years. I've had sex with both, my first time with a guy at 17, and my first time with a woman at 19. I've always liked the idea of sex with other guys, but I never could imagine myself having any sort of "relationship" with a guy. I mean, you have relationships with women. You date them, marry them, love them. My attitude toward guys is like toys: fun to play with. (Every guy I've told this to basically says "Sure, you'll come around..." ... this doesn't help.) I asked one of my good friends a couple of years ago about this. His basic take was that you don't make a life decision without research. What's research for this? Dating. Sex. Have sex with 20 guys and 20 girls. (Safely, of course.) The whole thing is very complicated because it's hard enough trying to find a person you really enjoy. Wondering what sex they will be is worse. Who do you think about when you masturbate? Is it guys? Girls? Both? Although every psychiatrist will tell you that people fantasize about things that they would never do in real life, you also think about things that really turns you on. Sometimes I think about girls, but mostly I get off on guys. I also stress about that. A lot. I really like women, but I don't think about women sexually a lot. I do enjoy sex with women, but I have to have feelings about her to enjoy it. I don't have to have that for a guy. I can do one-night-stands all week long with guys (the lack of emotion is actually preferable). I'd love to be one of those walking hard-on guys who fantasizes about every girl he meets. The truth is, I really don't like the gay community. I don't like guys who act like girls. If you're a guy, that means something. That dictates how you act and how you dress, no matter what sex organs you like. Guys who are "openly gay" get on my nerves, with the lisping and the femenine gestures. Gay people will say I'm just "being closeted". I say I'm being realistic. There was a really good story on one of the newsgroups (it was a porno story, but who cares) about a bisexual couple. One of the passages talked about your sexuality based on who you really need in your life to be happy. If you need something from another guy to be happy, but wouldn't care about having a woman in your life, then you could say you're gay. If you could give up guys and never look back, and you're happy with a woman relationship, then you're straight and were just experimenting. If you need contact with both in order for your life to work, then you're bi. Which is why I came to the conclusion that I did. The only trick, of course, is surrounding yourself by people who understand that. I've pretty much decided that I want to marry a bisexual woman. Bi people are the only ones who understand other bi people. If you tell a straight person or a gay person that you're bi, then they will usually respond that you're kidding yourself (in one direction or the other). Those groups (for whatever reason), don't believe bi people truly exist. So fuck them and their close-mindedness. One thing I was told (by the same friend who talked about lots of research) is that there are a lot more relationships out there that don't fit into the "normal" confines. There's relationships based on "swinging", bondage/domination, bisexual and whatever. And I'm realistic: I know that you have to worry about what your boss thinks, and your neighbors think and whatever. Maybe you have to handle those relationships more carefully than a traditional one, but they can still work. If everyone has a soul and souls are truly genderless (like angels), then what difference does it make what parts are attached while you're down here? (yeah, I know it does make a difference, but that sounded good anyway so I had to leave it in.) People are just sexual and would probably have sex with both if they got over their fears about it. Bottom line is that you have to discover yourself by actually doing. No one ever figured out what they liked by sitting around. If you never tried coconut or lemon cake, would you sit around your house theorizing which one tasted better? No! You'd go out and buy the cakes and try them. And keep trying other coconut cakes, because everyone has a different recipe. And you may find a coconut cake and say "You know, I always thought I never cared for coconut cake until one day I found this particular one that I liked." So go out and have sex with a cake! (no ...wait... I got this story horribly manged ... I guess I'm getting hungry.) But you get my point. Chris. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com -- ********************** approved by *************************** Hector Bellmann Myths are the instruments of Your Co-Moderator in Australia public deception, and deception is the mainspring of public policy John Helmer soc.support.youth.gay-lesbian-bi To contact the moderators, mailto:glb-youth-request@ucsd.edu To get the FAQ, surf http://www.youth.org/ssyglb ******************************************************************