Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu (Albert Lunde) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = What follows is something I put together for a workshop on bisexuality. (You may use it in a not-for-profit context, but please include this notice and the copyright, if you use it as a whole, or provide reasonable credits for partial quotes.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Bisexuality Notes =========== ===== by Albert Lunde Copyright (C) Sept 1990, All Rights Reserved (Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu) (written for the Chicago Bisexual Political Action Coalition (BiPAC) and the Homophobia/RCP task force of Wheadon United Methodist Church, Evanston IL) Bisexuality Myths & Misconceptions ----------- ---- -------------- Bisexuality does not exist * Everyone is bisexual. * Nobody is bisexual. Bisexuality is unreal * Bisexuals are ...just going thru a phase. ... haven't come out yet. ... are sitting on the fence. * Bisexuals are denying that they are really ...heterosexual. ...homosexual. * The only true bisexuals are people who are equally attracted to both sexes. Bisexuals and relationships * Bisexuals ...are "promiscuous". ...have many sexual partners. ...will have sex with anyone. * Bisexuals can't form stable relationships. Name calling * Bisexuals are have no moral values. * Bisexuals are immature. * Bisexuals are unreliable. * Bisexuality is a political cop-out. Threats of Bisexuality * Bisexuals are responsible for spreading AIDS ...to the "normal" population. ...to the lesbian community Bisexuality - What's it All About? ----------- ------ -- --- ------ The ways people can experience sexuality form a multi-dimensional continuum. "Heterosexuality" and "Homosexuality" are not islands, but regions with fuzzy edges which overlap in "Bisexuality". Different people would draw their erotic potential as regions of different shapes on such a map. Some report more flexibility or "choice" than others. Over time, some people change, uncovering new areas or shifting in emphasis. This raises political questions. Gay and straight sexuality are not equally valued, and some people tell others what they should feel and how they must "choose". There are no sharp lines around these regions of experience. People whose life stories seem similar identify themselves differently. I want to respect each person's self-understanding, rather than making rules for who is (or should be) "heterosexual", "homosexual" or "bisexual". Thus, I define a "bisexual" using self-identity and orientation. At the same time, "bisexuality" in the sense of bisexual feelings or behavior may be present in other people besides self-identified bisexuals. My definitions: "bisexuality" is sexual/affectional attraction to members of both sexes. (As with all sexuality, we may speak in terms of a person's potential, identity, feelings and sexual expression.) "A bisexual" is a person for whom bisexuality is an important part of their experience or identity. ("Bisexual" as an adjective may refer to either.) All Bisexuals Make Sweeping Generalizations ! --- --------- ---- -------- --------------- I've known a number of self-identified bisexuals and am attempting to generalize in these statements about bisexuality, however "your mileage may vary". Bisexuals face some stereotyping and exclusion from both sides (lesbians/gay men and straights). While "bisexual" may be a temporary state or label for some people exploring their sexuality, for others, it is a lasting identity. I question saying "Everyone is bisexual" or "Nobody is bisexual". Both deny some people's experience and make "bisexual" a meaningless distinction. Being a bisexual doesn't imply one has two sexual relationships at once. (Monogamy & non-monogamy are a distinct question.) Being bisexual doesn't imply one is (or can choose to be) sexually attracted to everyone. Erotic feeling is idiosyncratic, with urges as diverse as desires for "tall brunettes" or for "non-smoking politically-active vegetarians". Being unconventional does not mean one has no morality, values or standards. An integrated bisexual identity can have qualities beyond a simplistic "half and half" mix of gay and straight sensibility. I can't accept an ethic that accepts exclusive heterosexuals or homosexuals because they "were made that way", but condemns bisexuals for making the "wrong choice". To me this "choice" is like asking "would you like to cut off your left hand or your right hand?". "Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!" ---- --- ---- --- -------- --- --- or "Who was that Masked Man?" -- --- --- ---- ------ --- There are a lot of different kinds of closets, passing and disclosure. Bisexuals share with gay men and lesbians the experiences of living with a heterosexist society and "coming out of the closet". Yet, to avoid stigma in the gay/lesbian communities they may find themselves in a second "closet" where they hide their bisexuality. Bisexuals are not equally visible. A socially experienced bisexual may blend into both communities unless they make an effort to be "out". A bisexual in a long-term relationship who does not advertise their orientation will be assumed gay or straight. Almost nowhere is where being bisexual the "norm". Thus, it is hard to convey by subtle hints that one is bisexual. Even if one wants "to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth", this is a longer story than average. All Over the Map --- ---- --- --- There is no such thing as a "typical" bisexual. As a group, bisexuals exhibit as much (or more) diversity as gays or straights. Since bisexuals don't fit expectations, integrating a bisexual sexual identity is especially challenging. Ideally, this all might be very simple. In a society like ours that is polarized along male/female and straight/gay lines, things get more complex. One source of diversity is the many different histories that may lead up to calling oneself bisexual. Here are a few variables one might use to classify personal histories: * own sex * orientation of early erotic feelings or actions (same-sex, other-sex or both) * age and stage in life when realizing potential for bisexuality. for example: * as an adolescent * as an "unattached" adult * during a sexual relationship * denial vs. self-acceptance * secrecy vs. openness * shifts in predominant sexual orientation over time * political/community identifications You've Got to Draw the Line Somewhere (?) ------ --- -- ---- --- ---- --------- Some in both communities see blurring of boundaries as a threat: People may see bisexuality as calling their own sexuality into question. Conventionally, "We" are normal people (heterosexuals) and "They" are sexual deviants (homosexuals etc.) with no middle ground. Heterosexism is a major force for polarizing society. Gay men or lesbians may have put a lot of effort into establishing their identity or community, or may be distancing themselves from past unpleasant heterosexual experiences. Bisexuality does not fit with separatism. Bisexuals are seen to weaken the political argument that gay men/lesbians "don't have a choice". = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I wrote the following for a presentation to a group of students of psychology and counseling about bisexuality. You may use it in a not-for-profit context, but please include this notice and the copyright, if you use it as a whole, or provide reasonable credits for partial quotes.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Bisexuality and Psychology =========== === ========== by Albert Lunde Copyright (C) Sept 1992, All Rights Reserved (Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu) When all you have is a Freudian, ---- --- --- ---- -- - --------- everything looks like a cigar ---------- ----- ---- - ----- Historically, psychological theories of sexuality have not dealt with bisexuality very well. Most theories were developed to explain heterosexuality, and treat homosexuality or bisexuality as after-thoughts. When it has been addressed at all, bisexuality has been variously treated as a myth, as a developmental phase with no real meaning, or as a pathology. As a bisexual, I have looked at some of these theories in self-defense, but I find it pretty hard to take them seriously. Dualistic or essentialist theories of human sexuality can seriously distort reality. Even putting people into three categories: "heterosexual", "bisexual", and "homosexual" (instead of one or two) is a simplification which ignores other dimensions of sexuality and hides the fact that these are groups with fuzzy edges, not neat boxes. Everything Old is New Again ---------- --- -- --- ----- Bisexuality is real. Bisexual behavior has clearly existed for thousands of years. At the same time, until a certain amount of freedom existed for homosexuals, it was difficult to distinguish between "closeted" homosexuals and "closeted" bisexuals, or between marriages of convenience and marriages of choice. With the onset of gay liberation, it became easier to speak of a bisexual identity. Bisexual support groups were started in several major U.S. cities in the latter half of the 1970s. Bisexual organizations continued to exist and spread in the 80s but had a low profile, perhaps due to fallout from AIDS and the conservative social climate. However, in recent years, bisexual organizations have been on the rise, and have been networking nationally and internationally. If It's Not Broke Don't Fix It -- ---- --- ----- ----- --- -- Counselors should beware of assuming that a client's bisexuality is the problem to be "solved" (or conversely, that it is a magic solution.) It is unwise and counterproductive to tell bisexual clients they must "choose" between being homosexual or heterosexual. It is reasonable for bisexuals to seek to develop an integrated identity that encompasses all their sexuality regardless of the nature of their current relationships. Likewise, one should not make snap judgements about the partners or spouses of bisexuals. As a counselor, you have a responsibility to examine your attitudes toward bisexuality so as not to project them onto your clients. A counselor is more likely to understand a client of the same sexual orientation, but since this is not always the case, you should seek to be informed on the subject so your clients don't have to start by teaching you "Bisexuality 101". Realize Your Limits ------- ---- ------ If someone is in the midst of a "coming out" process of exploring their sexual identity, it is virtually impossible for an outside observer to determine if they will ultimately be gay/lesbian, bisexual (or even straight.) Your job is to provide support and respect people's choices, not to predict their future. There are no sharp dividing lines in behavior between groups of people who identify as bisexual and those who identify as straight or gay/lesbian. How people identify is their choice. (I would suggest that feelings are as important as sexual history in determining sexual identity.) Don't Generalize ----- ---------- Bisexuals are very diverse. It would be a mistake to assume they all fit one or two patterns. (For example, a bisexual married man may have a different history and set of issues than a single woman who has dated both men and women.) There are many different life histories that may lead to seeing oneself as bisexual. Bisexuals in long-term relationships can be almost invisible, unless they "come out" deliberately, because their sexuality is judged by their primary relationship. Some bisexuals say they get much same needs met from both men and woman, others say their experiences of the two sexes are different. Bisexuals are not always equally attracted to both sexes. It is a myth that all bisexuals must be involved with multiple sexual partners. There is as much range and variation among bisexuals as in any other group. Various bisexuals practice life-time monogamy, serial monogamy, poly-fidelity, open relationships, one-night stands, and celibacy. Try not to not confuse conventional sex roles with sexual orientation. For example, while some bisexuals are attracted to the idea of androgyny, others are not. (Jungians seem especially subject to this error.) Some bisexuals get support and identity from the gay or lesbian communities, others feel relatively distant from them. Some bisexuals are found in other sectors of society that are relatively tolerant of diversity (for example, science fiction fans or neo-pagans). Some recognize signs of their bisexuality at an early age; others realize it only after a pattern of feelings or relationships which takes them by surprise. While we may be open to partners of either sex, in general bisexuals are likely to be as discriminating about their sexual partners as anyone else. At the same time, we do not always "choose" the object of our attraction. We are as subject to attacks of romance or lust as anyone else. Coming Out Different ------ --- --------- Bisexuals have many things in common with gay men and lesbians. At the same time there are some differences that can make our experience distinctive. Bisexuals get flak from both sides; we can't take for granted the support of either the mainstream or the gay/lesbian communities. As someone said (half joking): "Everybody thinks bisexuals are perverts". There are few places where bisexuality is the norm. If a bisexual leaves a relationship with one sex and enters a relationship with the other sex, they may risk loosing their friends and their support network, especially if they have not publicly identified as bisexual. A socially experienced bisexual may have two public personas and be able to function in either community. This, in itself, is not unhealthy. However, carried to an extreme, this can become a "double closet" where one is hiding significant facts about oneself in both places. This can make it more difficult to develop an integrated self-image. (This is a consequence of structural bias against bisexuals in society.) Coming out as bisexual may be an incremental process of coming to terms with first one sort of sexual attraction then another, then trying to live with what society says are opposites. Coming out as gay/lesbian is more clearly a process of directly opposing heterosexual socialization. In developing their sexual identity, bisexuals can't totally reject their heterosexual socialization in favor of homosexuality, instead they must pick, choose and synthesize. Developing a bisexual identity can be more time consuming because of the complexity of the issues and the relative lack of social support. It is more difficult to "come out" publicly as bisexual because people cannot in general infer your bisexuality from your relationships or other subtle signs. It's difficult to "prove" one is bisexual to everyone's satisfaction. It has been suggested that bisexuals sometimes have to "come out" over and over because people seem to keep forgetting one "side" or the other of their sexuality. I suspect that bisexuals are even more likely than gay men and lesbians to be impatient with the limitations of labels like "gay" or "straight". Bisexuals are in the middle of a social polarization. Heterosexism sets up an "either/or"; we tend to respond with "both/and" or sometimes "none of the above". I suspect the grace or lack thereof that people have in exploring their sexuality has to do in part with the variety and flexibility of the models of sexuality presented to them in advance. I had the benefit of meeting a few bisexuals early in my coming out process, so I was always aware of this alternative and didn't always experience a sharp gay/straight split. But, initially, I felt this was a rare and exceptional experience. It has taken me a long time to have islands of this sort of unified community in my life on an on-going basis. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I wrote the following as thought-provoking material for a Christian congregation which already was open to gays and lesbians and was considering the issue of bisexuality. You may use it in a not-for-profit context, but please include this notice and the copyright, if you use it as a whole, or provide reasonable credits for partial quotes.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Bisexuality and Theology =========== === ======== by Albert Lunde -- Copyright (C) 1993, All rights reserved (Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Introduction ------------ This paper is my personal reflection on the theological implications of bisexuality. I'm speaking to Christian communities who have already begun to deal with homophobia and heterosexism. To an outlook that admits the existence of nothing but heterosexuality, homophobia and biphobia are indistinguishable. However, there are particular opportunities offered by exploring the issues around bisexuality, for a mixed community that has begun to heal gay/straight divisions. A Complex View of Sexual Orientation - ------- ---- -- ------ ----------- To understand bisexuality we need a multi-dimensional view of sexuality. Someone's position on the Kinsey Scale -- their orientation with respect to the sex of their partner -- is one of many factors that affect sexuality. And this is not always the most important factor. Each person's sexuality is based on an unknown mix of internal and external causes, of "predestination" and "choice". For some people the character of their sexuality seems to change over time; for others it seems relatively fixed. We don't know enough to predict the future for someone else. Myths and Half-truths ----- --- ----------- Bisexuals are affected by a number of myths and misconceptions, some of which have implications for a theology of sexuality: * Bisexuals _must_ be sexually involved with more than one person at a time. * Bisexuals "choose" their orientation, unlike Gays and Lesbians who "have no choice". * Bisexuals are "confused" or "on the fence". The Bed-Hopping Bisexual --- ----------- -------- My defining characteristic for a "bisexual" person is that they feel able to have significant sexual or romantic attractions for some members of both sexes. Recognizing this potential need not imply that one must have multiple relationships at the same time to be satisfied. In our society, bisexuals in long-term single-partner relationships are invisible, as such, unless they make an effort to be public. The practices of various bisexuals include: celibacy, life-time monogamy, serial monogamy, polyfidelity, and "one-night stands". The same is true of heterosexuals or homosexuals. There are important questions that can be raised about how to promote positive values in relationships when everyone does not practice life-time monogamy; but these are not exclusively the concern of bisexuals. The "Wrong" Choice --- ------- ------ There is no evidence that bisexuals "choose" their orientation any more than anyone else. They may choose how to express it, but feelings of lust or romance are not entirely under rational control. The idea that "choosing" between same-sex and mixed-sex relationships is important is based in a heterosexist view which sees gay men and lesbians as poor unfortunates who would change if they could. In a more open view, there is no reason to force the issue. "_You're_ Confused; _I'm_ Bisexual" --------- --------- --------------- Both homosexuals and heterosexuals are sometimes uncomfortable with the way that bisexuals seem to cross boundaries. They may mislead themselves if they projecting these feelings onto bisexuals. While some people may call themselves "bisexual" while they are exploring their sexuality, and actually in transition, this is not typical of bisexuals in general. Trusting Our Passion -------- --- ------- To put this in positive terms, I think we need a theology which values human sexuality and relationships as an expression of the best of both our common humanity and our divine spirit. There is a strong anti-sexual bias in much of Christian practice which teaches people to distrust themselves, including their sexuality, and to rely on external authority to tell them what is right. We need to reclaim the truth of our self-knowledge. Passion with Compassion ------- ---- ---------- Do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God. Be compassionate, as God your creator is compassionate. Love God; Love your neighbor; Love yourself. Sexuality is not simply for reproduction, but part of our sharing in relationship with the rest of creation. The idea that a full appreciation of sexuality is inimical to spirituality is a fallacy born of clericalism and asceticism. Compassion is passion in relationship with another. Our sexuality an important part of our connection with others. A Theology of Diversity - -------- -- --------- We need a theology which sees equal value in same-sex and mixed-sex relationships. We need to respect and appreciate our differences whether they come from innate causes, like race or sex, or lifestyle choices, like religion. What is best for you may not be best for me; this does not mean that one is "better" than another. As a bisexual, I proclaim an ethic which values each person and honors their ability to make ethical choices; I do not proclaim a single one-size-fits-all plan for everybody's lives. "Walls That Divide are Broken Down" ------ ---- ------ --- ------ ----- A common experience of bisexuals is feeling out of place in both the gay and straight communities. This is the result of the polarization between the dominant culture and the gay or lesbian subcultures. A congregation which welcomes people of all sexual orientations and encourages them to share common life together, can break down this artificial polarity. In this situation, the open participation of bisexuals is much more natural; they can be seen as "bridge-builders" rather than "fence-sitters". I think welcoming congregations should not approach the idea of bisexuality as a reason to put some people into a third "box". Rather, I call for a vision of community which encompasses each person's whole self, and breaks down the walls which divide us. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = -- Albert Lunde | Interfaith | *Y*Y* "A branch on the Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu | Bisexual | *Y* tree of life" lunde@mcs.net | Feminist | ......|............................. | | http://www.mcs.net/~lunde/home.html