Of course, "what women want" should be balanced by "what crossdressing men want." But it is really the same thing - mutual respect, love, commitment, trust, consideration. In all fairness, women can be just as selfish, uncaring, uncommunicative, and downright stubborn as their men. Again, what we are talking about is not so much "gender" issues but relationship issues, even human ethics issues, if you will.

Moving back into our gender focus, however, I'd like to address some matters that are particular issues for wives. Women, far more than men, have their existence defined within a complex matrix of relationships -family, church, school, work, and social organizations. The revelation that her husband is a crossdresser generates shock waves throughout her matrix, shock waves that threaten to shatter everything in a woman's life.

The mutual trust that is the bedrock of a marital relationship is shattered by the revelation of "the secret." "If he has concealed this, what else has he not told me?" Can this trust be painfully rebuilt, and the wife grow toward acceptance of crossdressing, under the looming specter of homosexuality and/or transsexuality? When his "gender expression" leads him to associate with those who embody his wife's worst fears? In an environment she would not care to enter in broad daylight? Among "good ol' boys in dresses" whose peer pressure has him behaving as he did when single? When his "little escalations" become telltale clues to co-workers and relatives?

These are some of the issues underlying the "Wives' Bill of Rights." Enumerating them as "rights" at least informs women (and their gender-gifted men) that options exist other than "the back of the gender community bus."

But, once informed of these rights, wives must act on them. In an earlier article, "Joining a Local Support Group," I attempted to set some guidelines. However, that article assumed the wife reading it was at a level of acceptance where attending local meetings was being considered. All too often, we don't get even that far. We engage in classic denial behavior, from "I don't want you to do it, period!" to "I don't want to know about it, if and when you do it!" to "Yes, you may go out Saturday night, but I'll never, ever go with you!" to "He knows better than to go clubbing in that part of town!" Sometimes our denial leads us to pick and nag about the hair and nails that are "a little too long," while ignoring the cancer eating away at the vitals of our relationship.

Our denial unfortunately denies us access to influence over our mates and their gender organizations. Too often, by refusing to accept his need for crossgender expression, we drive him toward what we fear most. By refusing to attend meetings with him, we essentially forfeit any voice in the philosophies and programs of his group. Show up, get acquainted, join up and speak up!

For the past ten years Tri-Ess has accorded us full membership privileges. It is Tri-Ess that has proclaimed our needs no less important than crossdressers'. Tri-Ess's "family orientation" has given us S.P.I.C.E., the first and only conference to specifically address our needs. Tri-Ess has gone to bat for us, and has taken a certain amount of flak for doing so. It's up to us to avail ourselves of these resources, however. Let's participate, not hibernate! If we don't articulate our concerns, they'll go on being ignored. If we quietly nurse our wounds, privately mourn our losses, passively move to the back of the Genderland bus, how can we expect anything to improve? Let's each of us encourage one another to step out of our own closets and speak up for ourselves, our children, our husbands, our relationships. Denial is a dead end detour. Silence Equals Death. Let's network. Let's encourage our Tri-Ess leaders who are working on our behalf. Let's let our love for our mates and children win out over our fears. Love is the bottom line. Love, much more than "rights," is what we want.

1. We have the right to know about our husbands' crossdressing, preferably before marriage, but certainly when our husbands begin to make crossdressing a significant factor in their lives and wish to contact support groups.

2. We have the right to honest and open communication with our husbands, with negotiation and compromise on both sides, particularly in regard to allocation of family resources and in matters pertaining to telling our children. Old patterns of selfishness and deception must cease.
   
3. We have the right not to be pushed to "accept" things before we have had time to learn enough about them and to begin to get used to them.

4. We have the right to our husbands as men, the men we married, men who maintain a positive, healthy masculinity while "exploring their femininity" and seek neither to evade responsibilities nor to appropriate our own feminine roles.

5. We have the right to our husbands' masculine male bodies. Neither partner in a marriage has the right to alter body features without the full knowledge and consent of the other.

6. We have the right to support groups for ourselves that promote our own personal growth and well-being, help us understand our husbands' needs, and provide tools for relationship-building.

7. We have the right to support groups for our husbands that encourage their feminine development without denigrating healthy masculinity, that welcome us as full members on an equal basis with our husbands, and that fully support relationship commitments.

8. We have the right not be mocked and demeaned by sexually explicit or otherwise offensive conversation, dress and behavior at group meetings.

9. We have the right not to be pressured to attend group gatherings at public locations, night clubs, or other places that pose security risks.

10. We have the right to be asked for our permission before our clothes, make-up, jewelry or other personal items are borrowed.

11. We have the right to personal time in which to get in touch with our own femininity, pursue our personal growth and work on creative projects.

12. We have the right to expect local, regional and national gender organizations and conventions to fully support and promote these rights in their programs and policies.

First published in the Spring 1994 issue of the Sweetheart Connection.