26Oct1995
It's really something. I don't even feel like a guy much anymore when I am dressed. I feel like C----- would feel, move like she would and talk like her. It's all so natural and just happens. I sometimes wonder WHY. I pray often and ask Father to change me into a 13 year girl.

I wonder what will happen to me after I die? Will I get my chance then or will the pain go on thru eternity? For over 50 years I have asked why I am this way and to change me. And all their is, is silence. 50 years, and that's a long time to listen for an answer and hear nothing. I wonder how many tears I have shed in those 50 years? As I sit here now my eyes are wet and the tears roll down my cheeks. 50 years and no one to talk to.

Can you imagine a preteen boy telling one of his friends that he wants to dress as a girl and most of all wants to be one? Think that's bad, now picture a teenage boy saying that to his friends. Sure is hard being alone. At one time I could talk to B ---- a little about how I felt and I thought she understood, but I'm afraid that she was just humoring me. I thought that a husband and wife could talk about their hopes and fears and they were close enough that they would understand, but that's not the case and now I�m back to being alone. Sometimes she does little things for me and sometimes I still try to talk to her about C----- but I get the cold shoulder and stop. I could really use her advise and steading hand but it's not to be. Sometimes I wonder if this is not my personal Hell for being a really bad person in another life and this is my punishment. To go thru a life being this way - with no one to talk to and silence. And every now and then a ray of sunshine to keep you going. But I believe in Father and the gospel plan and that says no to reincarnation. Maybe this is not reincarnation but all in my mind.

I think this is sounding as if I were really depressed and hopeless, but that's not how I feel although some times it's true. Guess I had better get off this train of thought before I am though. Tomorrow is another day and maybe, just maybe I'll wake up a 13 year old girl.

27Oct1995
It didn't happen.