I have been dressing since 4, in what a " closed minded society" calls feminine attire.
The verbal abuse my father heaped on my mother and the physical and verbal abuse I received as a child made me want to be nothing like him. I was the oldest child in the family and took on many responsibilities from an early age. This drew me very close to mom. I found myself wanting to be more like her and not grow up to be like him.
I have always been really into textures and feel of different fabrics. I find comfort in a well cut and silky material. I started my "dressing" by wearing my sister's panties first cotton, later nylon ones. By age 8, I was wearing nylon or satin panties whenever I could. My dressing then evolved to include the sensual enjoyment and excitement of bras, slips, garterbelts, stockings, petticoats, bathing suits, bikini's, dresses, jeans, anything feminine to feel like a girl. I was excited by the feel of the clothing against my skin. I would often wear panties under my PJs as I slept at night. Often I wished I had been born a girl. Silky undergarments and clothes were pretty, lacy, sexy and a real "turn-on". Guy clothes were just to wear to "please others", because they told me I had too. Sometimes when I was alone in the house I would wear my sister's or my mother's panties, bras, etc. I really liked the stockings, high heels and garterbelts. My legs looked longer in heels and felt cooler encased in nylon stockings. Having learned early on to tuck my penis between my legs and out of view, then I would look at myself in the mirror. I wished I could look like this all the time.
As the years went by I looked for opportunities to stay home when the family was going somewhere, so I could have some time to enjoy exploring my other personality and experiment further. However, this led to terrible feelings of guilt - why am I doing this, I must not be normal, am I the only one in the world, etc. By the time I was a senior in high school, I was really bothered by what this meant. I was looking at girls, more from an admiration and envious standpoint than what I thought a "normal" guy should be feeling.
When I visited my cousin's I would look for opportunities to be upstairs alone. My room there was directly across from hers. When I was left alone in the house I would go into my cousin's room and try on her panties, and other undergarments. She was a couple of years older and a majorette. On several occasions I was able to have the most of the day to enjoy being in her panties. I was almost discovered on at least 3 times. On these visits I would hide her panties and stockings I had worn and took them with me to add to my collection.
After she went away to college, I got to spend whole visits in her room surrounded by her very feminine things for almost two weeks at a time. She had her own separate bathroom, so I could experiment with diffent looks and keep the items handwashed and dry them in the bathroom. I wore the many different outfits many times and would fall asleep in panties, babydoll pj's or her nightgowns. This is a very special memory for me.
My mother discovered my "collections" on a few times. On one occasion she questioned me gently: Why was I doing this? Did I want to be a girl? Would I like her to assist me purchasing my own panties? I was humiliated and ashamed, but somehow I managed to deny everything and she left me alone after a while, although I really wanted her to understand and to tell me it was okay. I wish I would have said "YES". But that was many year's ago in a not so enlighten time. If I was growing up today I would probably reply "YES". The rules about what one must wear are not as clear today, it is much easier to cross dress. This is one of the points in life that, looking back at it, might have changed everything - what if my parents had put me in counseling then? Would I have progressed into a full-blown transsexual, as I thought at the time? Would I have reached an equilibrium that kept me happy, as I have now? Or would I have worked through issues early enough in life to eliminate my need for transgender behavior at all? I try not to dwell on the past too much, but I can�t help but wonder.
I remember watching an "All in the Family" episode with a male actor dressed as a woman and hearing the word "transvestite" for the first time. I ran to the dictionary in the house, and after reading the definition I realized that there must be many more people like me! Maybe I didn�t need to be a woman, maybe there was another lifestyle I could live that would make me happy.
My dressing continued to evolve to include some experimenting with mascera, foundation and lipsticks. I have longed for special female friend to share this part of me. However, when I have shared with a female friend that I enjoy wearing what "society" classifies as feminine clothing and it allows me to better understand my feminine side. They have always ended the relationship shortly after this outpouring of my intermost secrets. They did not understand my need for expression of this part of my personality. In addition, the clothing and undergarments were "MY" clothing of choice, not female or male clothing.
Today, I love wearing panties, stockings, waist cinchers, garterbelts, camisoles, and other undergarments. I "adore" the special feeling when I have a pair of silk, satin or nylon against my skin. I like to wear panties under my masculine exterior clothing whenever possible, especially, french cut" panties. I have more leg movement and I like the look of a long leg. I have found that, nylon or satin, size 7 or Large is a good fit. There is a new micofiber with "TACTEL" used in the making of undergarments. I have found newly acquired items with this "TACTEL" to feel very sensual as thy hug your body.
I like the feel of stockings as my legs brush against each other as I walk. Then, add the cold air of winter embracing my legs and bottom and I really get a rush just thinking about it.
I am currently married but my wife does not approve of my cross-dressing. I love my wife but I also love to dress up, too.� I am not sure how long the marriage will last.�
The "need" to dress up grows stronger everyday.�If I am unable to dress, I do daydream and fantastize, remembering the feelings that overcome me when I dress. I find it to be a release valve for the pressures and stress of being a male in today's crazy world. I can reconnect with the more sensitive and nuturing side of me.
The most important item that sustains me when I am unable to explore my feminine side is my visits with other websites similiar to my own, and your email. I would enjoy hearing from other CD's, TV/TG's, PRE/POST-OP TS's and their significant others.
You can 
me. I LOVE femail. Hope to hear from you soon.
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