This Romantic Is Hopeless

June 10, 2004

I’ll be the first one to admit it: I’m a hopeless romantic.

These days, it’s pretty common for people to sleep around, keep a “friend” or two around for the sole purpose of sleeping with them, and so on, placing lust higher than love. This, to me, is unimaginable.

I’m 22 years old and still a virgin. Make no mistake about it, I’ve had plenty of “opportunities” and I could easily pick someone up if I wanted to, but I won’t do that. I can’t imagine sharing my body with someone I didn’t love. I’ve had several people tell me that I should just take a lover while I look for the right guy, so that I “get to have some fun” and that if I find someone I’ll “know what to do with him.” They really don’t get it. I don’t want to “get some action.” I want love. What other people do with their love lives is up to them (and I don’t really give a damn), but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Plus guys who are only interested in me for, shall we say, “lustful purposes” are a huge turnoff (now don’t get me wrong, I like it if a guy thinks I’m pretty, but there’s more to me than how I look, dammit).

That’s not to say that my entire outlook on love goes back to old Victorian ideals (though I do think some of the fashions were cool and using fans as a communication/flirting tool is kind of neat). With the kind of life I’ve had, I’ve been forced to see to my own needs since I was young. I always offer to split the bill on a date (although no guy has ever accepted said offer). If I happen to be seeing someone and I decide I want a certain piece of jewelry (which doesn’t happen very often because, frankly, I’ve got plenty), I’ll save up and buy it myself instead of dropping hints (though if my birthday’s coming up and he asks me what I want, I’ll tell him).

We all know the dating pool can suck. To someone like me, it’s slow torture. I don’t like pickup lines. I don’t like guys who ask for my number without offering me theirs (there‘s an old Norse belief that if someone knows your name and you don‘t know theirs, they have power over you, so it’s polite to offer your name first - and I believe this should apply to phone numbers too). I don’t like guys who don’t call - I’ve got a life to live; I’m not going to wait by the phone for some jerk who collects phone numbers to bother with calling mine. And I’m not interested in wasting my time on a guy who I know is not right for me (even though there’s a good chance a guy like that doesn’t even exist) - I’m not going to live that long, dammit.

I don’t even like romance novels - the plots involve way too much heart-wrenching drama. I’ve had bad, messy, complicated relationships before; I don’t want to go through one again and I don’t want to read about it either. I’ll take George Sand over Harlequin any day.

I desperately want to feel loved. I want to have my first choice of guys and be his first choice of girls. I want someone to think I'm the most beautiful thing alive but love me for who I am inside. I want something that will last and be safe and secure. I want to be treasured and treasure that person in return. I want to not have to fight the tears whenever I hear a pretty love song.

College was hard on me like that. Everyone knows how it is in college - students are hooking up left and right (often mindlessly). Didn’t help that I had a few friends who were guy magnets. Oh, and I got into a relationship with a guy I thought was a decent human being who sucked all the energy out of me and ground my heart into powder (and when I suddenly began to oversleep, cry for no apparent reason, and drink heavily, everyone wondered why). I just feel so alone. I want my turn and I don't know how much longer I can continue to wait and wait and wait for it. Most 22-year-olds have had some sort of positive relationship so I get to keep my mouth shut (and try not to scream) while everyone talks about how wonderful their significant other is. And at this age it's usually all about fireworks, but I'm not like that. It's not who I am. I'm definitely a hopeless romantic (with emphasis on the "hopeless" part).

I'm so terrified I'll never find the right person, that instead I'll unwittingly pick yet another jerk. Or that if I find someone I want he'll just want someone else but still want to be my friend, and it'll never be good enough for me. Or sooner or later he'll decide he doesn't want a 20-something virgin (putting out is not an option for me, it's just not my style).

I’m sitting alone in a dark room, typing this while Smashing Pumpkins ballads blare from my speakers, wishing I had more whiskey in the fridge and trying not to get too depressed.

And I wonder how much longer I'll have to deal with it.

I just want love. Is it too much to ask?



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