She was gone.
The only girl I�ve ever truly loved.
I�ve gone through so much pain and suffering in my whole 250 years of existence.
Not to mention the 500 years I spent in Hell.
But nothing, nothing, hurts as much as this.
She didn�t have to die. She shouldn�t have.
But that was the life she was chosen for.
I don�t think I can keep doing this.
What�s the point in living? Or unliving.
What�s the point in saving people when no one can save you?
In the end, it all comes down to me.
My fighting ability. The choices I make.
Buffy understood that. She understood me.
How can I keep going?
I just want to break that chair and drive the wood through my heart.
Why should I keep going, when I could just end up there?
In order to save the world, I might have to end my life.
To save my friends, and� and to stop evils.
This is my life. This is what I do.
It seems so pointless now.
Is this my greater good? Is this why I came back?
Sure, I fight evil. But it never gets anywhere.
Evil keeps coming, and getting stronger.
I�m no match for it.
Not anymore.
I just want to sit here forever, hoping the pain will go away.
But this damn soul could never be this kind.
It�s what I�m cursed with. To never forget.
I can�t forget about anything that has happened. Or anything I�ve done.
Everything I�ve ever done. It all lingers in my mind, haunting me.
Faces, faces from my past.
Darla, Spike, Penn, Jenny, Giles, Buffy, Willow, Holtz.
Not to mention the countless thousands of nameless people I�ve maimed and killed.
And then there�s the worst of everything I�ve done. Drusilla.
No matter how hard I try, I don�t think I can ever forgive myself for what I put her through.
I killed all of her family, and drove her insane.
I convinced her she was evil, when I posed as a Catholic priest.
Then finally, I killed her.
What�s worse is that I enjoyed it.
I loved feeling her blood flow down my throat, then still out down my face. I drank her until she was almost gone, then pulled her back and turned her.
And she was crying for mercy the whole time.
And I laughed.
ARGH! Stop! I want these feelings to stop, to just leave me alone! I can�t keep thinking about this, it�s driving me insane.
Maybe that�s the price I must pay.
To feel close to someone, but to never have them� for fear of achieving true happiness.
It�s a constant shadow that hangs over me.
I lose people everyday. But it never usually hurts this much.
I don�t want to lose anyone.
I don�t want to be close enough to lose anyone.
I just want to be all alone.
For eternity.