McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously,
whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first
place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options
and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible
make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: I was a Target for middle
management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday,
and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with
a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm
the
greatest thing since
sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that
now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising