Welcome
to the page for guys!
Are you as sick
of this new trend of women's programming such
as Lifetime, We, and Oxygen as I am? I mean, I'm all for and end
to
women's suffrage as much as the next guy, but how many channels
does it take for women to realize that if they walk alone in a
parking
lot at night, they are going to get raped and beaten?! C'mon
ladies!
I would like to
create a television network, possibly called Hydrogen,
devoted to guys, which serves as an outlet to the hassles of
everyday
life. Until then, there's this page. Have fun!
(Warning; if you
take any of this seriously, you need to send me $25 so I can
properly apologize...)
Navigate
here.
The
Ultimate Remote!
Women
Jokes
Men's
Rules For Women
Why
it's Great to be a Guy
Why
it's better to be a guy
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The
Ultimate Remote!
Top
~Women Jokes~
Q. - What did the woman do
when she got out of the abuse rehab center?
A. - The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!
Q. - Why don't woman wear
watches?
A. - Because there's a clock on the oven!
Q. - Why did the woman cross
the road?
A. - Who cares, what was her bitch ass doing out of the kitchen?!
Top
49. SportsCenter
starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay
bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
48. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact,
constitute going out to dinner.
47. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like
all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap,
J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
46. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at
work?
45. Butthead is the smart one.
44. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
43. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
42. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about
"us" and "the relationship."
41. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work,
the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
40. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are,
watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and
picking out the beer.
39. Socks never constitute a gift.
38. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you
want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are
always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
37. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
36. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why
this happens.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
34. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good
sense to do "Sirens" rather than
"Waterworld."
33. Curley is the bald one.
32. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in
favor of yours.
31. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan.
Just accept that.
30. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz
together.
29. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn,
Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley
Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
28. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of
post-coital conversation is not.
27. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to
a ball game are even better.
26. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never,
ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us
and only add to our discomfort.
24. Check your oil.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
19. Share the closet.
18. Share the bathroom.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
13. You have too many shoes.
12. You have enough clothes.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like
every other cat.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
3. Don't make us guess.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
Top
Why
it's Great to be a Guy
Phone
conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful
stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation
requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines
are 80% shorter
You can open all
your own jars
Old friends don't
give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
When clicking
through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of
someone crying
You don't have to
lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere
yougo
You can go to the
bathroom alone
You can leave a
hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your
own foodThe garage is all yours
You get extra
credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You see the humor
in "Terms of Endearment"
You can be
showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans
take care of themselves
If someone
forgets to invite you to something, they can still be yourfriend
Your underwear
costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
None of your
co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to
shave below your neck
If you're 34 and
single, no one notices
Chocolate is just
another snack
You never have to
worry about other feelings
Three pair of
shoes are more than enough
You can say
anything and not worry about what people think
You can whip your
shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics
tell you the truth
You don't give a
flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a
game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking: "He
must be mad at me"
You can admire
Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him
Same
work........more pay
Gray hair and
wrinkles add character
Wedding dress
$2000, Tux rental $100
You don't care if
someone is talking behind your back
If you retain
water, it is in a canteenThe remote is yours and yours alone
You need not
pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the
bathroom
If you don't call
your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends
you've changed
If another guy
shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life
long buddies
The occasional
well rendered belch is practically expected
If something
mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw
it across the room
New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet
You think the
idea of punting that small, ankle biting dog is funny
Top
Why it's better to be
a guy!
- You can eat and drink twice as much as a
woman.
- All your orgasms are real
- Wherever you go, you only need one suitcase
- Your legs look great covered in hair
- You know at least a dozen words which all
mean "Referee"
- No-one will ever buy you a shopping bag with
wheels.
- You can eat Scotch bonnet chillies
- Your friends don't find you total lack of
interest in TV soaps at all strange
- You can visit a toilet all by yourself
- You don't get gripped by guilt half-way down
a Mars bar
- You'll never be to old to enjoy a couple of
hours of Scalextric
- There's always someone to help you wrap a
parcel
- You get to drive the dodgem car
- No matter how badly behaved you are, you can
ensure total forgiveness by buying a £3.99 bunch of
droopy flowers from the nearest petrol station
- You can pick up spiders
- You're always in charge of the barbecue
- If you do anything kind, people notice
- You don't think a three-iron will get the
creases out of your shirt
- You can open jars
- You are not obliged to carry a bag of useless
stuff about wherever you go
- Your reputation is actually improved by the
more sex you have
- You don't look ridiculous in wellington boots
- You'll never have to plan a wedding
- You are perfectly comfortable standing at a
bar in a pub talking absolute gibberish to anyone who'll
listen
- Your shoes don't hurt
- You don;t feel a need to phone the samaritans
if your mate turns up at the same party in the same shirt
as you
- You can be 32 and single and nobody even
notices
- You can have an allotment
- You don't automatically grab the hoover when
your mum says she's coming
- You can tell jokes without forgetting the
punchline
- You never feel compelled to stop a mate from
getting laid
- You can drink beer out of a can
- Your friends will never give a damn how much
your clothes cost
- Car mechanics tell you at least half the
truth
- No-one's surprised if you forget their
birthday
- You need never push a pram
- It's OK to have size 11 feet
- You never get sexually harassed.
- All colour scheme decorating decisions will
be made for you.
- You get a much better deal at a vicars and
tarts party.
- You don't find it necessary to know your own
weight to the nearest ounce.
- You always get to sit in the front of the
car.
- You never have to clean a toilet.
- You never sulk for a week if your left off an
invitation list.
- Being regarded as rough can be a positive
advantage.
- You can sleep perfectly well after watching a
horror film.
- You can throw a ball without looking like
you've dislocated your shoulder.
- You don't cry at cinemas.
- No-one's surprised that your trainners stink
- You have complete command of the TV zapper -
from your very own seat
- You can be in the same mood for more than an
hour
- You will never confuse lunch with cottage
cheese
- People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them
- You don't feel an irresistible urge to open
the mail the second it arrives
- You will never be stupid enough to suggest
that a new boren 7lb baby girl looks exactly the same as
her 35-year-old, bearded 17st dad
- The thought of health farms make you ill
- Phone conversations are over in 15 seconds
- You don't have to rummage around for the
handbook to find out the car tyre pressures
- You will never have to drink a sweet martini
- Kids demand you go with them on scary theme
park rides
- No matter how much smoke gets in your eyes,
you will still be happy standing over your bonfire
- You can sit on a train with your legs apart
- You don't have to dress in black every day of
your life
- You don't feel remotely embarressed eating
your gravy with a spoon
- You only tell your mate that you love him
when you can hardly stand
- You don't care what anyone esle calls their
baby
Top
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