Welcome to the page for guys!

Are you as sick of this new trend of women's programming such
as Lifetime, We, and Oxygen as I am? I mean, I'm all for and end to
women's suffrage as much as the next guy, but how many channels
does it take for women to realize that if they walk alone in a parking
lot at night, they are going to get raped and beaten?! C'mon ladies!

I would like to create a television network, possibly called Hydrogen,
devoted to guys, which serves as an outlet to the hassles of everyday
life. Until then, there's this page. Have fun!

(Warning; if you take any of this seriously, you need to send me $25 so I can properly apologize...)

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The Ultimate Remote!

Women Jokes

Men's Rules For Women

Why it's Great to be a Guy

Why it's better to be a guy

 

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The Ultimate Remote!

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~Women Jokes~

Q. - What did the woman do when she got out of the abuse rehab center?
A. - The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!

Q. - Why don't woman wear watches?
A. - Because there's a clock on the oven!

Q. - Why did the woman cross the road?
A. - Who cares, what was her bitch ass doing out of the kitchen?!

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Men's Rules For Women

49. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
48. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
47. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
46. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
45. Butthead is the smart one.
44. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
43. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
42. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
41. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
40. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
39. Socks never constitute a gift.
38. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
37. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
36. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
34. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
33. Curley is the bald one.
32. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
31. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
30. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
29. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
28. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
27. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
26. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
24. Check your oil.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
19. Share the closet.
18. Share the bathroom.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
13. You have too many shoes.
12. You have enough clothes.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
3. Don't make us guess.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

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Why it's Great to be a Guy

Phone conversations last 30 seconds

You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

You can open all your own jars

Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying

You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere yougo

You can go to the bathroom alone

You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

You can kill your own foodThe garage is all yours

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

Wedding plans take care of themselves

If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be yourfriend

Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

You don't have to shave below your neck

If you're 34 and single, no one notices

Chocolate is just another snack

You never have to worry about other feelings

Three pair of shoes are more than enough

You can say anything and not worry about what people think

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

Car mechanics tell you the truth

You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut

You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking: "He must be mad at me"

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him

Same work........more pay

Gray hair and wrinkles add character

Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100

You don't care if someone is talking behind your back

If you retain water, it is in a canteenThe remote is yours and yours alone

You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom

If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies

The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

You think the idea of punting that small, ankle biting dog is funny

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Why it's better to be a guy!

  1. You can eat and drink twice as much as a woman.
  2. All your orgasms are real
  3. Wherever you go, you only need one suitcase
  4. Your legs look great covered in hair
  5. You know at least a dozen words which all mean "Referee"
  6. No-one will ever buy you a shopping bag with wheels.
  7. You can eat Scotch bonnet chillies
  8. Your friends don't find you total lack of interest in TV soaps at all strange
  9. You can visit a toilet all by yourself
  10. You don't get gripped by guilt half-way down a Mars bar
  11. You'll never be to old to enjoy a couple of hours of Scalextric
  12. There's always someone to help you wrap a parcel
  13. You get to drive the dodgem car
  14. No matter how badly behaved you are, you can ensure total forgiveness by buying a £3.99 bunch of droopy flowers from the nearest petrol station
  15. You can pick up spiders
  16. You're always in charge of the barbecue
  17. If you do anything kind, people notice
  18. You don't think a three-iron will get the creases out of your shirt
  19. You can open jars
  20. You are not obliged to carry a bag of useless stuff about wherever you go
  21. Your reputation is actually improved by the more sex you have
  22. You don't look ridiculous in wellington boots
  23. You'll never have to plan a wedding
  24. You are perfectly comfortable standing at a bar in a pub talking absolute gibberish to anyone who'll listen
  25. Your shoes don't hurt
  26. You don;t feel a need to phone the samaritans if your mate turns up at the same party in the same shirt as you
  27. You can be 32 and single and nobody even notices
  28. You can have an allotment
  29. You don't automatically grab the hoover when your mum says she's coming
  30. You can tell jokes without forgetting the punchline
  31. You never feel compelled to stop a mate from getting laid
  32. You can drink beer out of a can
  33. Your friends will never give a damn how much your clothes cost
  34. Car mechanics tell you at least half the truth
  35. No-one's surprised if you forget their birthday
  36. You need never push a pram
  37. It's OK to have size 11 feet
  38. You never get sexually harassed.
  39. All colour scheme decorating decisions will be made for you.
  40. You get a much better deal at a vicars and tarts party.
  41. You don't find it necessary to know your own weight to the nearest ounce.
  42. You always get to sit in the front of the car.
  43. You never have to clean a toilet.
  44. You never sulk for a week if your left off an invitation list.
  45. Being regarded as rough can be a positive advantage.
  46. You can sleep perfectly well after watching a horror film.
  47. You can throw a ball without looking like you've dislocated your shoulder.
  48. You don't cry at cinemas.
  49. No-one's surprised that your trainners stink
  50. You have complete command of the TV zapper - from your very own seat
  51. You can be in the same mood for more than an hour
  52. You will never confuse lunch with cottage cheese
  53. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
  54. You don't feel an irresistible urge to open the mail the second it arrives
  55. You will never be stupid enough to suggest that a new boren 7lb baby girl looks exactly the same as her 35-year-old, bearded 17st dad
  56. The thought of health farms make you ill
  57. Phone conversations are over in 15 seconds
  58. You don't have to rummage around for the handbook to find out the car tyre pressures
  59. You will never have to drink a sweet martini
  60. Kids demand you go with them on scary theme park rides
  61. No matter how much smoke gets in your eyes, you will still be happy standing over your bonfire
  62. You can sit on a train with your legs apart
  63. You don't have to dress in black every day of your life
  64. You don't feel remotely embarressed eating your gravy with a spoon
  65. You only tell your mate that you love him when you can hardly stand
  66. You don't care what anyone esle calls their baby

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