STANLEY RANDOM CHESS MONTHLY
Under the influence of the Great SR Chess Purge, much of the history of SR Chess has been exised from the annals of history. As this case study of Tolkien shows, researchers are working hard to uncover the truth about SR Chess.
The Great SR Chess Purge affected literature as well as history. It is not yet common knowledge that Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" trilogy was originally a classic non-fiction primer on SR Chess entitled "Lord of the Kings". Tolkien was a closet grandmaster who attended international SR Chess tournaments in disguise (usually as a French detective under the name Hercule Poirot). The title of his original Vol. 3, "The Return of the King," (which dealt with checkmating positions and creating Forced IMRs under VH Conditions) somehow escaped the notice of the Purge Team, and is original. The original Vol. 1, "The Fellowship of the King," dealt with the movement of the Queen and Pawns (later substituted with a wizard and hobbits, which is actually a Welsh mis-spelling of "rabbits"), while Vol. 2, "The Two Towers," dealt with Rooks.
Changing GM Tolkien's classic work on SR Chess into a childish and superficial fantasy story was the result of four years of work by a Purge Team of seventeen monks in a remote Welsh monastery. Friar Tuck was one of the few monks who refused to cooperate with the project, which was led by an abbot who had sympathies for the anti-Stanleys (Anti-SR Chess activists), apparently as a result of a childhood incident involving a loaded rook and a severe case of diarrhea. Friar Tuck's subsequent execution by hanging is commemorated in SR Chess circles today with a position known as "the hanging bishop," and it is customary to have two minutes of silence whenever this position arises.
For many years all four volumes of Tolkien's original work were used as the standard introductory textbook at the Taco Belle School of SR Chess. The original Vol. 4 (on Knights and Bishops), which Tolkien himself regarded as the best in the series, was discarded and burned by the monastic Purge Team when they tired of the project. This explains the confusion of contemporary literary scholars at the absence of a fourth book in the modern fantasy series dealing with the future of the elves in the Gray Havens. If the Team had completed the project, we would most certainly know what happened. But as it is, the world has lost a classic work on SR Chess, in exchange for a childish story about elves and rabbits (or in Welsh: hobbits).
Other notable literary works produced by the Welsh monks include "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" (originally an account of the classic blindfolded simul between GM Goldie Lox of Scotland and the Tree Top Trumpeters Team at the 1802 Scottish SR Chess Country Classic) and "The Three Little Pigs" (originally about the brilliant Wolfgang triplets from Germany). But the influence of SR Chess is most apparent in Lewis Carroll's "Through the Looking Glass". His identical twin, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, was a grandmaster in SR Chess and originally wrote the book as a biography on British GM Alice Cooper and her subsequent transition from SR Chess to the cosmetic industry. When Dodgson was imprisoned for heresy and refusing to recant his beliefs in SR Chess, his twin Carroll was assigned the task of "purging" his brother's book, a task he accomplished while being rather drunk, which explains why he failed to remove most of the references to SR Chess. While completing the work in an intoxicated state, Carroll is rumoured to have broken the looking glass itself, and had seven years of bad luck.
SR Chess GM Gregory Topov
Posted Tuesday - 2006-04-04 - 12:07:25 EST
by Staff Reporter Verdra H. Ciretop in Toronto
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