The Stanley Random Chess Files

Queen Fertilization in Stanley Random Chess

GM Topov has not been able to follow the international SRC pro-circuit closely in recent months, having spent several months in a remote Tibetan monastery, where the monastic provisions strictly forbade any outside contact with the Western world. The bad news is that the monastic provisions also required him to shave off all his hair, and that upon his return he was mistaken as Sinéad O'Connor at Heathrow Airport by 1000 rabid fans. The good news is that while in the monastery he was engaged in important historical research on SR Chess, in relation to some recently discovered medieval Latin manuscripts. Here is a short report about these exciting new developments, with further details to be published in a forthcoming issue of the "International Stanley Random Chess Journal."

As most people are aware, since retiring from active competitive play, I have devoted most of my precious time to the important activity of historical research. In view of the Great SR Chess Purge, much work needs to be done in this field, to recover the truth about SR Chess, in order to restore its honor and distinction above "common" chess, and give it the prominence it richly deserves.

My personal research focuses on medieval manuscripts. For the last three months I've been working in an obscure monastery in Tibet, analyzing the remnants of scrolls that were unfortunately damaged by a fire in the scriptorium in 1355. By decoding fragments of what appears to be uncouth Latin poetry about agricultural bean-planting practices, I'm discovering that in fact the medieval monks were preserving a fascinating record of SRC games played by visiting cardinals from Europe. My findings are proving to be a bonanza to other scholars in the field, particularly an international grandmaster who specializes in decoding medieval runes, and is currently conducting post-graduate research in Taiwan.

But perhaps the most amazing discovery of all is that the Tibetan monks of the 13th century appeared to have engineered an ingenious novelty: the fertilization of the queen! I once heard mention of this idea from a blind midwife retired in seclusion at a Portuguese Convent, but dismissed it as nonsense typical of old midwife tales. But I have now learned that a 13th century Tibetan monk who specialized in bee-keeping had devised a pattern of moves known as the modal embryonic sequence, which allowed queen fertilization on lateral dark squares while under VH Conditions. He apparently stumbled across this after a period of intense fasting, in which he was kept in solitary confinement for three months, equipped only with 44 gallons of beans and a chamber-pot, and accompanied only by 144,000 bees and one nun.

The sequence he discovered culminates in what he called cross-pollinate queen fertilization, and results in immediate pawnal reproduction according to a strict series of rules in keeping with the rebirthing triad formula. This supports the thesis that shogi (Japanese chess) is a descendent of Stanley Random Chess. It also explains why tournament organizers stipulate the quarantine of all cut flowers within a 30km radius of any internationally sanctioned event. Naturally much more research is required before I can publish any of these findings, but it is an exciting development that deserves to be shared with the SRC enthusiasts that frequent this site.

During a brief sabbatical from my studies, I will be making a brief trip to the London Zoo to discuss some of my research with the resident beekeepers, as well as consulting with the third patriarch of Constantinople to discuss the ecclesiastical ramifications of these findings. Given that the monk in question later ascended to the papacy, and fathered a set of twins (Albertus and Costellus) who were subsequently adopted with great secrecy by a half-sister in Sicily, there is also the distinct possibility that the third principle of papal foundations is fundamentally flawed. If this misunderstanding proves to be correct, this error would render all writings of the last 27 popes invalid, as well as negate the papacy for the next four decades. Not only that, it would end mandatory celibacy for priests, so it does suggest rather exciting possibilities for the future.

The synchronized ISRCA server at naturally does not allow for queen fertilization at this point, but we could well see the game of SR Chess as we know it change dramatically in the future as a result of this research. Understanding the implications of queen fertilization could spawn a complete new generation of Stanley Random Chess pieces and ideas.

SR Chess GM Gregory Topov

GM Topov welcomes any initial reactions about the implications of my research as reported above, so that he can incorporate any important observations and questions in his forthcoming report.

Posted Tuesday - 2006-04-04 - 12:07:25 EST
by Staff Reporter Verdra H. Ciretop in Toronto
All Rights Unreserved - Loof Lirpa Publishing
Text may be freely copied & redistributed

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