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Question/Answer format:
- Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of
the ocean?
A: A good start!
- Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
- Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road
and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
- Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
- Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck
in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
- Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
- Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
- Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket
of shit?
A: The bucket.
- Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a
shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
- Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
- Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer
should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
- Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a
lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
- Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
- Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
- Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
- Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
- Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
- Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a
rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal
urge is to cluck defiance.
- Q. How many law professors does it take to change a
light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research
grant.
A2. It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his
light bulb.
A3. You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do
hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position
as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties,
i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the
area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated
by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not
required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
- Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to
hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Longer Jokes:
- A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?
The housewife replies: "Four!".The accountant says: "I think it's
either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one
more time."The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
- A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees
a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at
this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:"How much for
Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for professors
brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100
dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of
brain?"
- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother
do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed
her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said
the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up
and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher
was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that
day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and
demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an
attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
- A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay,
there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the
long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St.
Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and
guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair
by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but
what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up
all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my
calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
- A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
sub-scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of
Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the
Justice,"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and
bury 20more of them."
- A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They
referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as
follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
- "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow,
after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow
replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been
only one answer to that question."
- The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly
Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their
respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their
new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such,
St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief
flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn
(cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of
lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be
spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the
Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can
hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as
Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more
mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone
houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new
domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope,
in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal
here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks
at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this
street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's
the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
- Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a
long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said,
"I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?"
asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him
arrested for?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have
the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
- "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for
a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the
stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied
the witness.
- A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and
getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went
out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.
He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they
were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and
so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in
about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.
The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to
go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was
totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to
see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the
judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his
head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating
speeches for the foreman's position!"
- Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my
lantern."
- A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little
girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the
car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in
the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why
would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a
lawyer and an honest man.'"
- The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but
at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
- These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon
to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell
where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down
to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the
ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And
Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he
gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the
Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and
Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New
York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
- For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks
found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin'
and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a
lawyer."
- God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and
said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.
- A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he
had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription
he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,"
responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the
stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people
in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and
exclaim, "That's Strange!"
- An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies
the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
- At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks
to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice
to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why
did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that
lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get
so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat
won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test
results to human beings."
- A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's
not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular
occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The
friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a
splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great
outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian
companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As
they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and
raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a
male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears,
immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky,
and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran
back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got
the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and
dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two
bears were still there."He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing
to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family
danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff
looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!"
exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly,"
replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
- It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into
the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor
Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The
last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it
be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a
doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you
don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything
there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing
the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a
kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay
for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I
read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins:
'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green:
'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when
I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
headache.'Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you
reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost
confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day
limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some
Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a
drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe
drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other
doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice
suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only
place that I can practice." "If you give me something to releive the
pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You
know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney
stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You
had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it
eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day
day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That
afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of
pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have
my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me
out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked
me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be
negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the
scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared
in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you
were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I
be sure you won't right after you pass the kidney stone?"
- A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The
Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka
of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the
one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can
just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the
rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The
Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the
world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and we have so
much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he
throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody
is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens
the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
- A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher
shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks,
"if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do
I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers,"Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was
loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word,
writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash --
it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit
card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later
-- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the
butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due
for a consultation.
- Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: ementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer)
shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair,
stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being
non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the
second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the
third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation
shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to
note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this
point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may
be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer),
by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part,
also known as "Partnership."
- WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS*******************
***************************************************1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
***BAG LIMITS***
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat
8. Back-stabbing Whiner
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian
- The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is
listing his sins:
1. Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3. Overcharging fees to many clients.
4. Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed
in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile.The
lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a
dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the
shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and
replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says,
"Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
- When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get
back on your feet.
- It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
in his own pockets.
- A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the
bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
lawyer for my gator."
- There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.One
was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
- If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the
equator it would be a good idea to just leave them there.
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