KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

According to _The_Providence_Journal_, Claudine Schneider, a lawmaker from Rhode Island, mentioned to Dan Quayle during a conversation that she spoke fluent French. Quayle was very impressed by her language skills and replied by saying, "I was recently on tour of Latin America and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around.
A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were.
He was having some trouble spelling: "Torso, in ditch. t-o-r...s-o, in d-i-c-no, t-c-h. Head, in avenue. h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i...a-v-e...{KICK} d-i-t-c-h.

Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex.

Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the state-of-the-art fish truck when the truck struck the clearly-marked building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had the wheel at the time of the accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources suggest he has a history of drug abuse.

The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard right".

The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that they ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish.

When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable to be dispatched to the scene.

On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all species.

Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to Washington, DC.

Dad: "Would you like to have another brother or sister?"
Kid: "I guess it's too late to say no."

The University of Utah has announced that they can turn seawater into fuel.
Exxon's already doing that in Alaska.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a human?
A: It depends on whether or not they think lightbulbs' rights are worth fighting for.

Q: What has one horn and gives milk?
A: A milk lorry.

Q: What do you call the Lada owner's manual?
A: The bus timetable.

Three pregnant women were sitting in a maternity ward knitting.
"I hope to have a girl, I'm knitting a lovely pink thing!" said one.
"I hope to have a boy, I'm knitting a lovely blue thing!" said another.
"I hope to have a spastic!", said the third,
"What on earth for?" shouted the other two,
"I've just fucked-up the sleeves!"

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing eye dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the seeing eye dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

There was once a young man whose house was on one side of central London and whose job was on the other. It was a highly lucrative job, and after a couple of years he bought himself one of the most expensive new cars you can imagine. It was really brightly coloured; the horn made a stentorian Beep-Beep, it went extremely fast, it made a lot of noise, and all the girls looked at you when you got out of it.

But living in London has its drawbacks, and one of these was that he scarcely ever had the chance to drive the car at its top speed, and he found this ever so frustrating. He complained to a friend, who suggested that he take the car to Ireland. `Ireland had a huge road building program in the 19th century', the friend explained, `but there isn't the traffic there, and there's no speed limit'. [All these purported facts are entirely fictitious but this is a JOKE, not a tourist guide.] And immediately the young motorist booked his car on the ferry to Ireland.

The journey took a day; he woke up early in Dublin and jumped into the driving seat. The car glided onto the main road south-west, and soon the houses disappeared and the countryside began, and the road lay straight and empty and wide and level and inviting before him.

Down went the foot on the accelerator and the needle on the speedometer jerked clockwise: 120 mph, 130, 140... and then, as suddenly if they had appeared from nowhere, he saw a man and a donkey crossing the road in front of him: so unused to traffic that they hadn't bothered to look out for it. He swerved the car to the right, missing them both, but he could not stop in time and he crashed the car through a fence and hit an old tree in the nearby field.

And the old man said to the donkey: `Sure, an' we just got out of dat field in time, didn't we!'

Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.

The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now."

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.

Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"

"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."

The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.

The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"

As a child, Jesus asked his mother, "Who am I?"

"The angel of the Lord came down and laid his hand upon me. You're the Son of God," was Mary's reply.

Overhearing this, Joseph intoned, "He damn well better be."