| 1431. In a pub
Two typical Londen drunks having their beers at the bar in a pub. It's a London pub with a nice an cosy wallfire, a big carpet on the floor. On the carpet there is a dog,... licking his bollocks. You know, like dogs do! One drunk turned around, and said: "Hey George, I wish I could do that". George said: "Give him a biscuit! He might let you." 1432. SHIT
To: All employees In order to insure that we continue to produce the higest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all empoyees well trained through our program of " SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other employer in the state. If you feel you do not recieve your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list of special attention. 1433. Short ones
What goes plink, plink fizz?
Q. What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
Q: Whats red and invisible?
Q: Whats red and read? What is the name of the President of Lebanon? But answer quickly! 1434. Three nuns
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly
gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of
lights and bells.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" 1435. Guy and girl This guy and this girl are rampantly having sex. During a lull in the passion, the guy asks the girl to turn over. "Why?" asks the girl. "Because I want to try something different," says the guy. "That's perverted!" says the girl. "What did you say?" asks the guy. "I said that's perverted". "Shit," says the guy, "that's a big word for a five year-old". 1436. In the pet-shop Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw. It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!"
Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!" Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!" 1437. The first day of school It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral. The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and oneday we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher. The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk." Very good," said the teacher. The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher. "Don't fuck with my dad when he's drunk." 1438. In London 1st Londoner: When's the next train fer 'Ammersmiff? (When's the next train for Hammersmith?) 2nd Londoner: Due now. 1st Londoner: Wouldn't ask yer if I did! 1439. Visiting A couple has a male friend from visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife, but could you at least stop using my ass for a scoreboard?" 1440. To a party One night some guy from East-Germany goes to a party on his bycicle. Arriving at the party adress he parks his bike at the nearest wall and make's sure the thing is locked so it won't be stolen when he wants to go home. He has got a terific time and meets lots of people and fills himself with a large amount of alcohol. Eventually, it's very late in the evening, better to say early in the morninwhen he decides it's time to go home. So he goes down the stairs as best as possible, opens the door, look at his bike .... what do you think .........? The wall's gone! |