Having to adhere to a ferry schedule to get from the mainland to my Island life frequently illuminates one of my long standing problems. I'm always about ten minutes late. In the remainder of my life this idiosyncrasy is simply rude and annoying to those who know me but it doesn't have much impact on me. I don't know why I've been unable to change this character flaw. You'd think that if I can consistently be ten minutes late that I could make some kind of fundamental adjustment and be on time. I tried setting my watch ahead by ten minutes, but I'm no dummy; I know when I'm being tricked.

This little peculiarity often results in my missing the ferry I'd been hopeful of catching. When this occurs I will often pass the time till the next boat at Aunt Bea's Ho Made Pics. I like to look at pies in the same way that others like looking at Scandinavian knick-knacks. Of course I enjoy eating pies as well, but I'm usually happy just to look at them. I should add that I don't abide by cream pies, nor do I care to a la mode my pie.

I also enjoy giving people pies. It seems a very civilized gesture. Nice, but not too much. I've given people pies for no reason whatsoever and for a host of complex reasons that were not always clear to me at the time I purchased them. Recently I got to thinking about the many uses I've found for a quality pie and the host of purposes for which they might yet be put. I thought that sharing my evolving taxonomy of the delicious gift pies might help others to achieve a better fit between their gift pie purchase and its intended purpose.

The Everyday Pies

The Spouse Pie is intended to affirm to your sweety that despite the passage of years, the rigors of parenthood, you haven't grown cavalier about her fondness for a good pie. It says in a way that mere words cannot, "I love you so I brought you a pie." Sticking with the time tested traditionals seems to make your point here. A basic apple, cherry, or a blueberry communicates that your eye will not be turned by some flew tasty delicacy of the moment.

The Overture of Friendship Pie is a guileless pie intended only to communicate to its recipient that "gosh darn it, I like you so I brought you a pie." The Door County fruit medley is a good choice here. The friendship pie is an exploratory pie in that the purchaser is seeking to test the friendship waters. It's of course possible you'll learn that despite your pie level regard for the recipient, you're only a turnover level friendship prospect in their eyes. You learned this for less than $10.00.

The Appreciation Pie is a perfunctory pie that says a tasty "thank you" to whomever may have done you a good turn. Perhaps your neighbor fed your pets while you were away or possibly your hairstylist, through patient trial and error, discovered a product that will finally beat your pesky cowlick into submission.
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The Apology Pie is a hat -in-hand, humble pie. It seeks to make amends for minor slights, gaffs, and boners. It makes no claim to righting truly egregious transgressions.

The Mother-In-Law Pie is a very fine pie, indeed. Aside from reminding Mom that her child chose well, you're very likely to be served up a piece of this pie. You should avoid pies like rhubarb or green apple that may contain even the faint hint of bitterness.

The Romantic Interest Pie. As a married man and a relative latecomer to the appreciation of pies, I have little experience with these pies. A strawberry/peach would, however, seem quite appropriate. I'm betting that a high end pie will prove a more successful tact with today's woman than a slice of cyber confection dished up in a chatroom. You should, however, resist the temptation to foist this ploy on any of the lovely Island waitresses. They've seen it all before and you're clumsy effort is destined to end in embarrassment.

Special Interest Pies

The General Suck-Up Pie is an unabashedly guileful and manipulative pie purchased with the express purpose of endearing you to its recipient and gaining future favor It's not a pie purchase to be proud of, yet, it may be a strategically wise pie. Being an obsequious pie, you should attempt to discern the preferred pie of the recipient while also offering to exchange it if your choice proves not to their liking.

The Hiring Pie is a sealing the deal, goodwill pie. It's a straightforward pie that signals your appreci-ation for the tradesman's skill and effort expended on your behalf. The hiring pie differs appreciably from the general suck-up pie though it may well increase the possibility of your project receiving some attention from the recipient within the next six to nine months.

The Firing Pie is a rather cowardly, conflict avoidant pie. It's purchased when there is a need to discontinue the services of the aforementioned tradesman who, though skilled, has for more than a year now chosen not to lavish his talent on your project. It's most effective when delivered with fork-in-hand along with a cheerful greeting; "I brought you a pie-here, try a big bite." Where the recipients eyes glaze over with pleasure you quickly terminate the relationship while indicating your need to have been elsewhere fifteen minutes ago.

The Darker Pies

The Spousal Redemption Pie is a sniveling pie, born of shame. It's purchased in the vain hope that it might prompt your spouse to recall something remotely redeeming about you. Possibly, for the umpteenth time, you've remained on the Island well past the time you'd promised to return home to shoulder your share of domestic responsibility. Or, perhaps your impulsive purchase of that vintage little skiff has come to light. You've exhausted all of your spousal credits and long ago run out of plausible verbiage. This pie will, of course, be rejected as way too little, way too late. It'll be recognized as the shamefully manipulative pie that it is. Buying your favorite pie with the foreknowledge that your spouse will reject your offering is, of course, beneath contempt and should cause you to immediately purchase the following pie.

The Personal Penance Pie is a pie purchased in the aftermath of a particularly shabby bit of personal behavior. It's a pie purchase intended to provide you the sound emotional thrashing you so richly deserve. The pie should be your favorite variety, fresh from the oven. After acquiring the still-warm pie you should allow the delicious aroma to waft into your nostrils while reminding yourself that you're not worthy of such a pie. That pie must then either be given as a gift, anonymously to someone you particularly dislike or left in the back seat of your car to spoil.

THIS DELICATELY FLAKEY TAXONOMY IS, OF COURSE, AN INCOMPLETE WORK IN PROGRESS.
THE AUTHOR WELCOMES READER CONTRIBUTED ADDITIONS.

( Permit me, patient reader, a brief addendum .... I've always been curious as to the origin of that business name, Aunt Bea's Ho-Made Pies. I had an experience there a while back that may shed light on that odd moniker. While searching for the toilet I opened the wrong door. Rather than the bathroom the door opened into a cavernous kitchen work space. What I saw there shocked me... a large group of scantily clad women. They were baking pies and when I entered they turned, struck provocative poses, and in unison flashed "come hither" looks that left no doubt as to their true avocation and no doubt as to the origin of that name....OK, OK! I made this up. I've been waiting for an opportunity to work this tasteless, yet modestly amusing observation into a conversation without success, But now it's arrived).