C.o.d.e.p.e.n.d.e.n.c.y.

I am codependent. It took me quite a while to realize this, since most of the time, codependency refers to alcoholics or drug addicts. But there are many different kinds of codependency. Codependency, in my own definition, is anything you rely completely upon. Alcoholics rely upon thier alcohol; drug addicts rely upon thier drugs; and I am a third kind, I rely upon another person. I don't really want to bring up who that person is. I'm sure if you know me, you'll have no problem guessing. I guess it's kind of embarrassing for me. To know that I can't rely on myself for happiness, that I have to put all this pressure on him to give me happiness and feed me self-esteem - that's not something I'm proud of. But it's a fact, and I'm slowly starting to understand it. I have been doing research about codependency and have included some information, references and activities which might be able to help you in your own struggles of codependency.

(The following is taken from THE CODEPENDENCY CONSPIRACY by. Dr. Stan J. Katz and Aimee E. Liu)

IDENTIFY YOUR ISSUES AND PROBLEMS

1.Start by listing the five issues that cause you the most concern. (examples of issues: *My father always favored my sister when we were gowing up. *My grandparents were alcoholics. *My brother was killed in a car accident when he was ten. *I was fondled by the next door neighbor when I was three. *My husband never really wanted to marry me.)

2.Next, list the general problem areas that cause the most conflict in your life right now. (examples of general problem areas: *My husband and I hardly ever talk to each other anymore. *I need to lose twenty pounds. *I'm so afraid of crime that I can't leave my house. *I can't sustain a committed relationship for more than three months.)

3.Now looking at each of the five general problem areas, answer YES or NO to the folling statements.

This is more of a problem for me than it is for most people.(2)

This problem is harmful to my health.(3)

This problem poses a threat to my life.(4)

This problem makes me feel guilty and shameful.(1)

Other people have noticed and commented that this is a problem for me.(2)

This problem is making it difficult for me to lead a normal life.(3)

I would be far happier if I could resolve this problem.(1)

Because of this problem, I have engaged in illegal or immoral conduct.(3)

I am willing to take whatever steps are necessary to put this problem behind me.(2)

4.For each statement you answered YES to, add the number following the statement. (Remember: each general problem area is being scored seperatly)

Score = 12-21

Evaluation = Moderately severe to very severe problem: requires immediate attention and possibly professional intervention.

Score = 8-12

Evaluation = Moderate problem: requires attention to prevent it from worsening.

Score = 0-8

Evaluation = Not a significant problem: stay alert to make sure that it does not worsen, but you can probably keep it under control without outside assistance.

5.Finally, break down the general problem areas on which you scored between 8 and 21 into related conflicts.

Specific emotional problem:

Specific bahavioral problem:

Specific attidtudinal problem:

THE INVENTORY OF SIGNIFICANT LIFE EVENTS

1.Think of events - conversations, experiances, moments of realization - that have had the most significant impact on your feelings about yourself today.

Preschool childhood:

Age 5-13 - School and social life:

Age 14-18 - Family life; School and social life:

Adulthood - College experiances; Sex and romance; Work experiances; Community and social interactions; Parenthood; Relationship with parents and siblings; Health problems:

2.How did each of the events you listed affect the way you view yourself today?

+2 Very positively

+1 Somewhat positively

-1 Somewhat negatively

-2 Very negatively

3.Tally up your scores under each heading. By comparing the different totals for each group you can tell:

*Which periods of your life had the greatest posative or negative impact on you.

*Which influences on your life (e.g., family, school, work, or romance) have had the greatest posative or negative impact on you.

REMEMBER THE PAST, DON'T LIVE IT

Confront the past.

1.Describe a particular event as you remember it.

2.Describe how you felt at the time.

3.Explain how you think the event has affected you, why you are having difficulty letting go of the memory.

4.Describe how you plan to put the memory behind you and what you want from the other person now and in the future.

WHAT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY RATING?

1.List your major life decisions.

2.Rate your responsibility for each of those decisions. (Ask yourself whose choice it really was.)

1 = I had no responsibility for the decision.

2 = I was slightly responsible.

3 = I was 50 percent responsible.

4 = I was mostly responsible.

5 = I was completely responsible.

3.Tally your individual ratings to come up with your overall responsibility rating.
1-2: You tend to deny responsibility for your own decisions.

3-4: You try to share responsibility for your decisions.

5: You are willing to take ull responsibility for your decisions.

COMPLETING RECOVERY: AN EIGHT-POINT PLAN

1.Define your problems without labeling yourself.

2.Recognize the many different influences that have shaped your life.

3.Remember the past, don't live it.

4.Accept responsibility for your own choices and actions.

5.Focus on the goal rather than the process of recovery.

6.Tackle your problems one at a time.

7.Select a treatment program that nurtures self-reliance, not dependency.

8.Develop your personal strengths and resources.

G.o. E.l.s.e.w.h.e.r.e.

Transformations (support groups, chat room, message boards, etc.)

Virago

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i sold my soul to sell your soul

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