Happy Thoughts.  

 

 

 

One of These Words is Not Like the Others:
A lesson about homonyms, confused words, and common spelling errors
by the Wicked Witch of the Yukon

 

 

Homonyms

We all learned about them in grade school. Every single last one of us learned about them before we even entered puberty. So please, authors of painful badfic, is there any real reason why you have to mix them up? Don't use the "I forgot the rule" line of hooey. You committed them to memory (if you were paying attention in class), because that was the only way to get them right. If you weren't paying attention then and you want to write for an audience now, don't you think you owe it to that audience to learn to use the tools of your trade before you go and try to create art?

A sculptor can't work that slab of marble without a chisel.   Likewise, an author can't make art of his or her thoughts without the relevant language tools.

If you've been lazy, pay attention. Here is a very brief refresher, featuring mistakes commonly seen in fanfiction.

 

 

There/Their/They're

Is it just me, or do you find it irritating when you read one of these, gentle readers?

• There: Location - Not Here
• Their: Possessive - Belonging to them
• They're: Contraction - They Are

 

They're certain they parked their decrepit old van there and now it's gone. They're happy about that, because it's insured for more than the blue book value.

 

Your/You're

• You're mistaken, badfic authors, if you think your poorly plotted, clumsily written, insufficiently edited stories are going to be spared the witchy treatment.  If you're deluded enough to think you're above that kind of criticism, think again, your royal badnesses.

 

Its/It's

This is more common than others, because it's a reversal of the apostrophe-possessive rule. First, the rule: Apostrophes for possessives and contractions, not for plurals. "Its" is an exception.

Now for the examples:

• The dog wagged its (possessive) tail, happy to receive a nice juicy bone from the Wicked Witch of the Yukon, who although cruel to badfic authors, is very nice to her Hell Hound.
• It's (contraction: it is) going to be a great party! Come on and read some badfic!

 

Tale/Tail

• Did Rudyard Kipling ever write a tale about how the cat got its tail?

 

Bear/Bare

• I can't bear to read one more story where Scully's bare breasts are poorly described.  They are in no way reminiscent of fruit, nor are they similar to any kind of bread product.  Badfic authors, bear that in mind, will you?

 

Male/Mail

• I got a great picture of a beautiful male model in the mail the other day. Does that constitute state-to-state transportation of pornography?

 

 

Bore/Boar

• Veronica was tiring of the same old story: how Reggie had tackled that wild boar, wearing nothing but a loincloth. What a bore. She decided to spend the night at Jughead's instead, seeing that he had big hands and feet, and you know what they say.

 

 

 

Frequently Confused Words

Quite/Quiet

• Yukon hopes all the interchanged quite/quiets out there are just slips of the fingers. Even so, tsk tsk on the offending authors for failing to secure adequate beta.

 

Breast/Beast

• Breast  is a body part. Beast is what Mulder is when he's aroused.

 

Mold/Mould

• There used to be a difference, but there isn't anymore. At least not in American English. Mold applies now to both the little fungal organism and the form used to make figurines out of plaster, clay, glass, chocolate, and so forth. Mould is considered British English, and isn't recognized in the United States as a valid spelling. (Before our Gentle British Readers get all huffy, remember, it's an American show about American characters, and it takes place in America. British, Canadian, or for that matter any foreign spellings or styles, are out of place.)

 

Taught/Taut

Taught: Verb, transitive, Past tense of "to teach"
Taut: Adjective: tight, tense

• Mulder taught Scully how to set up a tent. The secret was to pull the ropes taut. He mused later that perhaps it was the secret to good bondage, too.

 

 

Frequently Misspelled Words

Breath is not a verb. Breathe is not a noun.

 

Name brand products should be spelled with an initial cap. Despite the practice of one particularly misguided fanfic author, trademarks should not be present.

• Relevant examples: Jacuzzi, Kleenex, Astroglide, Trojan condoms

 

A while is two words, not one.  Alright isn't a word in the United States - it's all right.  Conversely the overly Americanized "OK" is not okay in written language.  Spell it out completely.

For more information and detailed remedial instruction, visit our Resources page.  Many intelligent and knowledgeable people have constructed excellent sites, loaded with useful information.   If you're guilty of any of the above, visit one or more of them before you write another word.