A MONOLOGUE BY VIDEO GAMER X

Time passes and here I still am. I am the same today as I was then, yet I am no longer that person I once was. Who am I? I am born, I grow, I learn more, the people I know disappear, sometimes they reappear in a different form briefly, and all this past becomes encapsulated within a space in my mind, but they still exist there. I often think in retrospection of my life and I remember and relive the things I did in my mind, yet here I am today and I seem to be drifting in time. Where am I going? I move without moving yet I don't see where I am going. I don't fully understand why I am here now and am left to deduce my purpose, yet it seems almost in vain to attempt it. Why am I to be witness to the things I see in my reality? I could have been born anywhere in the universe or at any place in time on this very planet, yet I am here - now. Why? Is it by my will or is by the universe's design that I manifested here and now. My thoughts, are they my own or are they just a window to the entire of consciousness of life itself?

Having endured various hardships in my past and reaching a kind of solace in my own intellectual fortitude I eventually overcame difficult circumstances directly affecting me within my environment by allowing time to pass. I weathered the storms and emerged wiser and battle-hardened. I left the dark crevices of the past behind and start things anew within the unspoiled wilderness of the future. Things are presumably stable now, waters calmed, and the voices have quieted, but something is still missing that gives me a sense of apathy and unsatisfaction toward this period of time. I achieved my goal, yet why do I still feel empty? Sometimes I am engulfed with a rush of nostalgia for simpler times of youth but also feel that things now are better than what they were so why do I still feel unhappy.

The older I get the quicker time seems to pass me by. Events from my youth continue to move further and further behind me. It all seems like a dream, yet it is still there and I wonder why I did the things that I did, and why that what was shared to me was. I wouldn't be the person I was today if it were not for the knowledge gained when I was younger, but what left is there to learn? I am truly grateful for having been emancipated from the confines of what others desired me to become or conform to, but what is left now that I have come all this way? While I listen to music I contemplate myself.

Having seen so many people, why do they all seem so grey and pointless? I sometimes feel as though I am the only thing in color amidst a surrounding human sea of monochromata. All I hear is murmuring and the constant noise of catagorizable people. I've seen so many of them and they seem to all fall into a set domain of behavior and intellectual patterns. It's like everyone is a part of a machine, like a gear, or they function like a cell of a greater organism yet they accept this fate without hesitation and a moment's pause because they are intoxicated and comfortable in being ignorant. They seem to serve their purpose when they are alive, consume Earth's resources, produce for or assist society (or conversely become viral in nature), reproduce, and die off. So many people I see every day live their lives in a fog of presupposed rules and confined regions of thought. People's lives written by the input they received from their environment and their personalities - manifestations of their memories and thoughts, people wallow in the expectation of their own gratification. I know there are more like me that see everything for what it is, and do not accept these encumbering thought control mechanisms, but these people seem so distant from me. It is difficult to find collective acceptance by fools, and likewise it's self-destructive to seek such acceptance. I have grown so tired of these grey people regurgitating their close-mindedness and pointless affinity to copy an image other than their true self, and I wish there were greater minds and people I could call true friends near to me, but these things remain missing as it seems.

In many ways I feel as though I am searching for something I don't find. Sometimes I use my day off from work to wander almost aimlessly in public places to go home feeling unfulfilled and empty even though I may have bought something for myself. I strongly feel as though my feeling of isolation and departure is mostly due to my not having discovered true love. Everyday I see people, men and women, guys and girls my age - younger and older, living their lives together, and sharing their experiences together. I somehow feel a sadness engulf me that I can't have similar experiences with someone I can truly say I "love." Why have I been alone for so long? I once did share an intense relationship, a few years ago, but true lasting love was not something written in this destiny, it was not true, however I learned so much then about the facets and colors within the spectrum of love. There were good memories shared there, however she was not the one. But who is there? Who can understand me? Who is there that is not tainted by the poison of this society and its devotion to numbing complacency and mechanical acceptance of predefined normality. Sometimes I see faces in dreams, I think I am in love with them, but I don't know what they are and why I love them. I know there is a point of convergence where it exists, yet I know not when and where that point is, and fear not finding it. Not sharing love is a deficiency comparable to lacking nutrition. Why is love a vital component of existence? This emotion seems to transcend the biology of human genetic proliferation, and yet it remains so necessary in propelling the evolution of life.

Human life itself is so ephemeral. In the vastness of time, we live as leaping ember in an eternally burning fire. In that brief period we gather and become a tiny part of some massive thought in the universe's mind, a mere impulse yet we exist at a convergence between things that seem so larger than us, and things that are much smaller than us. I often wonder where I am going. What is there beyond life? I have seen some things that indicate there is consciousness after death however the waters of truth on the matter are so muddied by rhetoric and vie for bearing such knowledge by this group or that group. I can only know for myself by going there, and that time will eventually come. Death and life remain the only definite absolutes of human existence; however they seem only illusory, disguising a greater image. What is the ultimate destiny of my life and my influence here on Earth? I suppose at this point my imagination and future experiences can only express this within the time I am aware of this life.

I posted this online, on my websites, so maybe someone out there will benefit from something I've written, and can relate to some of the things I've said. I don't know, maybe there are more people like myself closer to me, than I realized, maybe my love will be around the corner. In that destiny, I will leave these words to the wind to catch the ear of anyone who listens. Thank you.