THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM"Where Top-Hat, Red-Carpet Service is Practically A Motto"
ISSUE 23: FINALLY!!
This edition of the WIT MEMO is sponsored by PT INNOVATIONS, INC. . . . The world leader in upskirt imaging technology.
PECKERGATE: WIT MEMO TRIPPS THE NOT-SO-LIGHT FANTASTIC
WIT MEMO had pretty much given up on covering the POTUS joint-noshing scandal, as it's become a mega-industry that makes the OJ SIMPSON circus seem like a kiddie lemonade stand -anything that we could POSSIBLY think of has been done to death by the latenite jokesters and MSNBC haranguing heads (what a Sick, Sad World this is when pundtwits like LARRY KLAYMAN and BRUCE FEIN have become neo-celebs in their own right), but just this week we had a brush with the one of the biggest players in the whole magillah that we just HAD to share with everyone: a physical encounter with lumpen tapehead and knife-in-the-back "friend" LINDA "GUS" TRIPP!!!
WIT MEMO was first and foremost among the throngs crowding around the E. Barrett Prettyman United States District Courthouse Thursday to catch a glimpse of the linebacker-sized, $88,000-a-year, work-at-home ex-secretary as she arrived to testify before KEN STARR'S grand jury. It was QUITE the scene . . . we haven't seen THAT many TV trucks there since MAYOR BARRY's misdemeanor coke trial. WIT MEMO was stationed right by the courthouse entrance as TRIPP -who in 1969 was pinched on grand larceny charges involving a stolen watch and cash that somehow turned up in her luggage- came rushing in with her entourage; first past was that big, snowy-haired, ex-military, make-her-look-small-by-comparison bruiser she's retained as her "spokesman," he swept by like WIT MEMO wasn't there. At this point WIT MEMO stepped forward, into the path of travel, hoping only to catch the eye of her surprisingly hot daughter (an obvious maternity ward mix-up) and maybe suggest that we cab it over to the BIG HUNT at lunch for some TUPPER'S HOP POCKET PILSNER with MAKER'S MARK chasers.
But, instead of the saucy daughter, we found ourselves face-to-face with mater TRIPP, who was frantically searching for cameras and thus barreled unseeing into WIT MEMO with a body check that would have shamed ex-Broad Street Bully DAVE SCHULTZ. We both went down, WIT MEMO on the bottom (OUCH!!!), and, after six or seven stout-shouldered security guards had hauled the key witness back to her feet and WIT MEMO had recovered enuf consciousness to brush off the dust and check for broken bones, we noticed that . . . OUR WATCH WAS MISSING! Recalling Linda's criminal past, we put two and two together, and . . ."HEY!!!" we shouted, "SHE STOLE MY WATCH!! LINDA TRIPP STOLE MY WATCH!! There followed a typically liberal trashing of victim's rights: her entourage wheeled around and was on WIT MEMO like white on rice; we were backed against a wall by a bunch of crew-cut men packin' heat and attitudes, and basically sent away with our hat in our hand and told NEVER to show our face there again! Of ALL the NERVE!!
And wouldn't you know it, but, when we got home that night, there was our watch, right on the kitchen counter where we'd left it in the morning! I swear, we'd lose our head if it wasn't screwed on!
And we never DID get to chat up the hot daughter.
Meanwhile, on other Peckergate fronts, the SECRET CERVIX lost their battle to keep the curly-wire guys from singing like canaries, after the SUPREMES' CHIEF JUDGE rejected inventive claims of a protective privilege. And no bones about what Starr's looking for: Back in April (and again last Wednesday), CBS reported that Starr had filed a sealed motion seeking testimony from any Secret Service agent who may have "witnessed the President engaged in a sexual act [or "a romantic situation"] with anyone other than HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON."
Uh, HELLO Mr. Starr, but, wouldn't it save a whole lot of time if, instead, you asked if there's any agents who've witnessed the President in a sexual act, or a romantic situation, WITH Hillary Rodham Clinton?
LEAST DESIRABLE JOB: The Washington Post described First Agent and "body guy" LARRY COCKELL as being so close to POTUS at all times that he's "constantly at his hip". Say, isn't that what got MONICA into all this trouble in the first place?
And WHY has GERALDO been the ONLY ONE to point out that DALE YOUNG's "no completion" story contradicts LUCIANNE GOLDBERG's claim of a stained dress??
HELLO KITTY
IF the FBI and combined state and federal law enforcement agencies haven't been able to corner abortion clinic/gay nightclub/Olympic park bomber/killer ERIC RUDOLPH in the remote mountains of western North Carolina (WIT MEMO just got back from a motorcycle ride through that territory, and it's GORGEOUS), then how can a handful of animal control officers be expected to capture the TYSON'S CORNER COUGAR, which has been on the loose in this densely developed suburb of Washington, D.C. for well over two months?!? In early May the Washington Post described the big cat as "tawny in color and weighing from 75 to 95 pounds," and cited Fairfax County animal control officials as vowing that, "if they confirm it is a cougar, they will set a trap."
Meaning, presumably, that if they confirm that it's some OTHER kind of 95-pound wild cat, they'll pretty much just leave it alone.
Meanwhile, did anyone else notice that the Washingtonpost.com's story of the Eric Rudolph manhunt included a flashing ad for "Disney's Daily BLAST?!?"
CAUSE-AND-EFFECT -or- REAP WHAT YE SOW?
SOMETIME AFTER JANUARY 1, 1998: PAT ROBERTSON's "The Family Channel" boots Jewish comedy team THE THREE STOOGES from its lineup.
JULY 9, 1998: USA Today reports the Family Channel schedule "will be scrapped" as part of its takeover by Married With Children-Simpsons-Melrose Place progenitor the FOX NETWORK.
Coincidence? "And THEN the Lord's wrath will be kindled against you" - Deuteronomy 11:17.
SCIENCE: THE FUTURE!!!
Harvard Paleontologists have announced the discovery of a dinosaur believed to be the direct ancestor of man's best friend, the faithful dog, the DOGOSAURUS. "If humans and dinosaurs had existed at the same time, then this is the type of dinosaur that "Dino" on "The Flintstones" would have been" they announced. Asked to explain the fact that modern-day bowsers are mammals, scientists suggested that the Dogosaurus, displaying the canny adaptability that characterizes the contemporary canine, made the switch from reptile to mammal as a possible defense mechanism against extinction due to upcoming dramatic climatic changes.