Well, I thought Maria just looked amazing today! Her hair has been trimmed and was shaped around her face, her make-up was all smoky eyes and rosy cheeks and lips again and her outfit made a real change - black trousers and a white half-length sleeve top with black floral pattern. She really looked the part, ready to tackle anything! So often in the past she has looked like a 'victim' but today she really looked like the lady of the house, so to speak, and it made a really positive change! Hurrah!

Meg, on the other hand, really looked like the victim! Am I extremely biased against that character or did she look rough?! Her eyes were all sleepy and her hair looked more suited to the part of Wanda the Witch! Ooh, bitchy!

At last! Tess with her hair (mostly) down! It is such a fantastic head of hair, it is such a shame to keep it up all the time! But what a boring old outfit - jeans and a stripy jumper?! Give the girl a break!! But don't you just need your sunglasses on when she smiles?! Those teeth just seem to be getting whiter and whiter!

Talking of needing your sunglasses, easy on the lip gloss with Carmen, okay?! It really is getting beyond a joke! Adore Antonio's haircut, though - whoa, what a cracker he is! Couldn't you just eat him?! Well, I could, but I hear that treatment is available......!

I noticed that the opening titles changed this week and seem to be alternating between one set of characters and another. However, what a heap of old pictures most of them are - some of them must be getting on for two years old and the 'look' of some characters has changed so much (for the better, I might add!) that they are in desperate need of updating!

And please tell me I'm not the only one who takes a nap when Michael and Vanessa are on screen!!!!!!

And Sean and Emily!!!!!!!!

And Brad and Amy!!!!!!!!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! I know there's a more promising storyline coming up with the latter four characters I mentioned and, believe me, I just can't wait for it to get going! This Sean obsession that Amy has is just too obscure to fathom and Emily's hair alone is boring enough to make me take a cat-nap! Do something with that hair, for goodness sake, before I slip into a coma!

Fingers crossed that there are some improvements on the style front on SB before next week!

Hey Brit Beachers! I am here to update you people on the latest SB fashion followers and the faux pas! Possibly my favourite fashion related quote in a while was this from the air-stewardesses talking about Annie :

"And that red hair!"
"I thought they said no unnatural colours?!"

Actually Annie has been looking good lately- so glad the lime green dress hasn't come back or the bra-less top in which she jumped around Joshua Sloane's office! Her dress in the Tobias fantasy was gorgeous and a change from those black short ones that look like lampshades with those tassles on. Her lawyer looks like he came straight out of the Burton's suit section like Cole seems to dwell in the Burton's smart/casual section. A question I have had on my mind for a few days now is why didn't Annie pick up her clothes?? I don't think she would usually have been seen in public wearing that uniform- it was hideous, even on Annie! I just wonder how much attention Olivia has been paying to Annie's cleavage- it seems like every other sentence she breathes mentions it! Either there is a fixated script writer or- here's a tip Livvy- everyone can have a cleavage like Annie's if they are willing to pay lots of money/ have a discount deal with Wonderbra.

Olivia has been boringly classy as usual and I quite like the navy ensemble- anything's better than that waistcoat! Why oh why can't she instill some class into Sean? He probably still wants to be everything his father wasn't- he's doing an incredible job, I must say! He is my candidate for a 'Style Challenge' makeover- do you think they do lobotomy's?

And Emily- I can't wait until she has her image change- let's just hope she doesn't take Bette shopping with her- I couldn't stand two time-warped Sunset Beachers! Speaking of Bette- her hair looks a lot flatter lately- about time too! I think it gets too long and so they pile it higher and higher and higher, at least that's my theory anyway...

AJ must be either colour blind or have no dress sense whatsoever (I'm going for the latter). I mean look at the shirts, jacket- well the whole combination!! His whole damn wardrobe needs an overhaul- he works with Ben, can't he pick up some tips??? Ben always has impeccable taste- apart from the jogging-style bottoms he wore a while ago- and looks just brooding. dark and mysterious enough until he says: "I will still love Meg even though I am devoted to you" Then he just sounds pathetic- and it gets annoying after a whole episode of Maria dislocating her jaw and stretching her neck.

While we're on the subject of the Liberty Corp. men- Jude. The new bloke has started off quite well- a bit 'man at C+A' but a considerable improvement on AJ's efforts. I'm surprised he dresses well considering AJ has guided him through life- must've escaped shopping trips. I didn't see either Caitlin or Jude get wet from the coffee though- strange...

Caitlin's hair is gorgeous as usual but I wish she would stop importing the New Look 915 Teenwear range- Cait: get trousers long enough!! Don't assume you can get away with the ankle-riders because you're slim! Uncle Tobias's beard is so incredibly fake as are the glasses, voice and nose job- we know who you really are!!(mail me if you are still in the dark about his true identity).

We also saw the new Smeg this week- sorry, Meg. Meg1 was her normal casual/classy self and then we get some weird belly-top I-can't-stand-up-properly-person. Although I almost prefer her to the old whining Meg, she needs to re-think the wardrobe. Sara looks much bigger compared to her- maybe it was the top but the pedal pushers were a definate improvement to the postage stamp skirts. All fine in the Cummings household and Hank is still shopping at Millets.

Meg's friend/enemy Maria was-thank antonio- without the peachy cardigan and opted for much better combinations recently. Her legs perplex me though- one minute they are slim and sexy, the next her skirt disfigures them. Oh well- it probably looks worse if you stand next to Tess who,although being slim, should get some looser fitting trousers.

I have missed Gregory in his jogging outfit- actually that's a lie- I haven't, not one bit! It was almsot as bad as Amy and Brad's impressions of Hawaiian Barbie and Ken. Ewwww. The giggling nuns are also annoying me. Not only do nun's outfit's look awful but they simper over Father Fit ( which is perfectly understandable) but give no empathy to Thickardo who is the one who needs the support! I would probably have avoided him too if I saw him in that mustard colour shirt. Yuk.Yuk.Yuk.

Michael also needs a little style coaching- maybe Vanessa could give him a few tips?!?

Gabi, Gabi, Gabi- no no no no no no!! What was she thinking with the purple thing? The trousers weren't long enough and she was forever adjusting her top. Nice hair band though. He he- can't forget the cheap shoes incident- classic! Mind you- I think most people can understand that she had to run because of the temptation standing there in the priest gear. Antonio has the special gift of looking great in anything. He even manages to look older than mid-teens in shorts and sleeveless top- a feat not acheived by many!

My final thought to you is this- where does Carmen buy her clothes?

Answers on a postcard...

This week I , Kenza, bring you a new dimension to this column. Once in a while (whenever we have time) my mate Dave will be joining me in a little fashion sparring. He on the blokes side, me doing the Girl Power thang. Read on ....

Over the past week I have been mostly obsessed by Derek - hasn't everyone? But what I love about him is his dress sense. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Another thing I love is his hair (well him and Ben really): the way he plays with it and the perfect style, no question.

DAVE: I am afraid that you might need to get out more, Kenza.

KENZA: No I don't....not really...

DAVE: Derek and Ben are always very well dressed in an English sort of way, but unfortunately I feel that they need to teach little Benjy a little bit about the world of fashion. Look at the poor child - son of a millionaire and dressed like a pauper. They should also teach him not to shout loudly and instead talk normally. He needs the fashion guidance from his father -whoever that might be. Tess has been doing her normal 'dress like a happy hippy' routine and that's probably what's given Benjy the idea of dressing badly. Perhaps with Derek back he can sort her out fashion-wise? It needs to be done.

KENZA: Benjy is definitely the 'Omen' child. Can you blame his bad dress sense when he live-s/d in a house with Meg, Maria and Tess? and Tim pops round occasionally!! Well it is safe to say that Ben or Derek is his Daddy so he should be in good training, although he is a little slow to catch on....His voice would still be just as annoying if he were quieter. I really do not like that kid. Now some of Tess's stuff is really nice- it's good to see a little colour that isn't on Bette for a change (notice her jacket on the 9/12/99 the sleeves and cut were just right, one of the more tasteful things in her wardrobe). And what a head of hair she has!! (Tess that is) Isn't it gorgeous? Unlike Tim's...poor boy, not even the designer stubble can help him ... ugh.

DAVE: Is that really designer stubble? I think its through the stress of going out with Tess. I really love her hair when she just lets it flow, but when she messes about with it looks awful. Tim seems to want to torture us with his awful bright shirts which clash horribly with Tess when they are together. His ruffled hair look is very bad, making him look like he's been sleeping rough. You've got to feel sorry for the poor boy though - he's so blinded by his love to Tess he hasn't noticed Derek. Yet. We need to talk about Maria.

KENZA: Ah yes- the dear caught in the headlights.

DAVE: Why can she not try wearing something different for a change? It seems to be that she has found an outfit she likes and then bought in every single colour imaginable. But she hasn't always been wearing clothes, has she Kenza? She's been very much without clothes lying in bed with Derek.

KENZA: Bastard- never bring that up again...I was sworn to secrecy but now I will have to come clean- I was Maria's stunt double. Shocking, I know. Maria has some really nice stuff if only she'd wear it- ditch those cardis!! Oh well, personally I'd like to get my hands on Annie's wardrobe - although I know you's like to handle a lot more than that, hey Dave?

DAVE: I wish. We'll talk about Miss Collagen '99 in great detail later. Anyway, was it just me who noticed this, but was Derek slightly over-obsessing with Maria's hair? He was playing with it for ages, devising little games and generally being rather strange?

KENZA: Yes- he also has a rather endearing habit (for a murderer) of playing with his own hair. I have now mentioned that twice, oh well, can't get enough of Derek...Anyway- won't Maria notice that 'Ben' has suddenly developed a hair fetish? At least Derek kisses the same way as Ben.

DAVE: So I suppose you'd like a little bit of brotherly love from the gruesome twosome then Kenza?

KENZA: And what would that mean, Dave? I'm sure I don't know (she says with as innocent a face as Annie)

DAVE: Moving swiftly on: Speaking of brotherly love, it's been sadly missing from the Torres family lately with Evil Ricardo totally freaking out Gobby by asking her to compare his sexual 'performance' with his brother's.

KENZA: That was gross although I think we all know the answer to that.

DAVE: Of course Gobby had to think about this for a while - hopefully she was also thinking about burning that terrible seductive see-through thing.

KENZA: Seductive wasn't a word I would have used- trashy is.

DAVE: Antonio has been wearing his dog-collar in the Mission as usual, sadly oblivious to the fact that his brother and his wife were discussing his sexual prowess.

KENZA: Hmmm...not your usual post-carnal chat is it?

DAVE: He and his brother always seem to be a bit plain on the clothes front, and (thank the Big G) not taking fashion advice from Madame Carmen (she's definitely one of the worst dressed people on the Beach).

KENZA: Oh My Ben! Can you imagine it if Carmen was the costume person!!?? Oh for Antonio's sake don't even try- it will leave you scared for life, just like Amy's Hawaiian theme!! Antonio has style when he puts his mind to it...Thickardo is a lost cause...completely and utterly lost.

DAVE: If Carmen was the costume person we'd be in for a horrid shock, I'm sure. Speaking of shocks, Amy was quite shocked when fashion reject Mrs. Moreau and the Comedy Parrot Roadshow ( I hope Spike eats him)

KENZA: Now that's not nice Davey.

DAVE:...rolled into town and demanded money. Amy needs that money to buy some decent clothes because she always looks like a tart (in my humble opinion she's got a great body, but is sadly one of the most annoying people ever).

KENZA: She is the stereotypical cheerleader- and guess what? She was in the cheerleading squad before SB. How sad.

DAVE: The same goes for Emily, who was tarting herself up to impress Brad. Unfortunately, she looked like a fool.

KENZA: Well she looked like who she was- a twit trying to be hard and streetwise although her top was cool, in fact the whole combo was good if she wasn't wearing it. I thought she looked like Caitlin actually. Ewww, scarrryyyyy.

DAVE: As for Brad and Sean - I can't even bring myself to talk about them. But I know you've got a soft spot for them haven't you, Kenza?

KENZA: Oh yes I do- they are the last word in fashion. Not the First like Ben/Derek- he is hot hot hot!!

DAVE: or perhaps not.

KENZA: I think that Sean and Brad have no taste whatsoever and should be brought to justice by the fashion police. That's me, Detective Inspector Kenza of the SBFPD (Sunset Beach Fashion Police Dept.) and Sergeant Dave, my trusty sidekick.

DAVE: Yes Sir!

KENZA: We aim to rid SB of all fashion faux pas

DAVE: LOCK THEM UP! sorry.....

KENZA: Now now darling...and reward the citizens who bring them to our attention. If you, the public, notice anything strange going on then e-mail our HQ and we will put them on trial with a defense (maybe- depends how heinous the crime is). It can be anything from Maria's hairbands to Sean in general. Whatever/whoever you see offending- let us know- together we can stamp out this crime. Thank-you for your unswerving devotion to this task. Just fill in the form below and wait for the verdict. So Dave, you were saying about Miss Collagen 1999? And make this quick, coz it's gonna be the last one.

DAVE: Quick? You must be joking. Oh, what words can describe Annie? Sexy. Beautiful. Collagen. She's been scheming again, trying to get 'ol Livvy back on the bottle. But even though she's being evil again, she still looks great. Her white dress that she wore to dinner was very classy and certainly made Tobias sit up straight.

KENZA: I have to agree, I really want that dress. I WANT THAT DRESS ... sorry.

DAVE: Sadly it went slightly downhill from there, with that strange pink thing with a white thing under it. And her lipstick was colour coded to go with it. Thank the Big G that it was still quite revealing.

KENZA: Ewwwww, that dress was hideous...she should just have worn the white thing underneath it.

DAVE: She also looked great in all her fantasies (and there have been a lot recently; her brain's been in overdrive). Anyway, I'm going for a lie down now as I'm all hot and bothered.

KENZA: Just think of Meg and take a cold shower- ooh cha cha!

DAVE: Merry Christmas from the Sunset Beach Fashion Police and remember: if granny buys you something awful, don't wear it. Give it to Brad.

KENZA: Or Sean- he really needs it. And have a kick ass Y2K.

KENZA and DAVE: Goodbye- from the odd couple.