P.T., Doc, Bugs, and Doomsday awake to find themselves on board the Satelite of Love. They look around their prison, and are suddenly distracted by some flashing lights. Doc reaches over and presses a button. A huge screen formed from hex shapes light up, revealing a woman, an ape-man, and a white-skinned guy.)
(Castle)
Pearl (puzzled): Who are you? (Sees Doc.)(Seductively): Who are you?
(SOL)
P.T.: We are the Kids from C.A.P.E.R.
(As one, all four boys stand at attention)
Kids: The Civilian Authority for the Protection of Everybody, Regardless!
(Castle)
Pearl: Whatever. Well, since you've obviously taken the place of the former "residents" of the Satelite of Love, you can take over their "jobs", as well. Namely, watching bad movies, reading bad fanfiction, etc., until you go insane. Then, I can rule the world!
(SOL)
Bugs: "Rule the world"? Ah, no! Not another one of those villians! Haven't we have had enough of the "world domination" types?
(Castle)
Pearl: Live with it, kid! Brain Guy: Send them their first fic!
Brain Guy: But of course, Lawgiver. Prehaps something of a warmup. A small piece of SPAM.
(SOL)
Doomsday: SPAM? A small piece of a meat product?
(Castle)
Brain Guy: No. SPAM, as in junk e-mail. (He presses a button.)
(SOL)
Lights start flashing, and a klaxon goes off. The boys whirl around, searching for the source of the trouble, but otherwise do not move.)
(Castle)
Bobo: You have movie sign. That means you have to go to the theater and riff the SPAM.
(SOL)
P.T.: Make fun of the SPAM? Okay...
(The boys enter the theater and are seated thusly: P.T., Bugs, Doomsday, and Doc)
Return-path: ([email protected])
P.T.: 2bmail? He wants to be a piece of mail?
From: [email protected]
To:
Bugs: Now I know we're in for trouble. There's no "To" address!
Subject: Discover The Ultimate Home Based Business
P.T.: A bakery?
Bugs: A resteraunt?
Doomsday: A cleaning service?
Doc: An international private investigation and spy service? (The others look at him strangly.) What?
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2000 15:39:23 -0800
X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
Doomsday: Christmas? Already? (Starts humming "Jingle Bells")
Content-Type: text/html;
Bugs: Meaning lots of words we probibly won't understand.
LOOKING FOR GEMS!
P.T.: Try a jewelry store!
It's So Simple To Earn $2,000 - $5,000 Per Week Nowadays...
Bugs: Really? How?
We're searching for only 10
Doc: 10? Only 10?
elite individuals
Doc: Elite? With an elite, you don't need 10. One elite would be enough.
with the work ethic necessary to generate a cash-flow for themselves of $2,000 - $5,000per week, and to increase that to over $20,000 per month, in as little as four to six months. And you know what?
Bugs: No...what?
If you really have a burning desire and commitment, we guarantee you that you'll reach this explosive income!
P.T. (Groucho Marx impersonation): If I had a burning desire, it wouldn't be for a bank vault full of TNT!
Can you read a short script to our qualified leads, and then turn the interested prospects over to our electronic sales medium?
ALL: No!
(you will not be required to do any selling.)
Doomsday: Good. We can't sell anything, anyway.
Do you have the self-discipline to ignore the TV for a couple of hours per day?
ALL: Not really!
Are you looking for a legitimate home-based business opportunity, that is not multi-level marketing, or a chain-letter scheme?
ALL: No!
If you would like to build an amazing income that will grow lightning-fast
P.T.: What was that?
Bugs: That was an amazing income growing lighting-fast.
and have you profit $1,000.00 every time only one prospect makes a purchase, then this is for you!
Doc: Well, that leaves us out.
You can build the business under our guidance and support without having to attend meetings or sell people things they don't need.
Doc: But I like board meetings and selling people stuff they don't need!
P.T.: (looking over to Doc): You do?
Doc: Not really.
P.T.: Oh.
Call NOW our TOLL FREE,
Doomsday: And SUGAR-FREE, too!
PRE-RECORDED Message:
P.T.: As opposed to a LIVE Message...
1-800-995-0796 ext. 9800
Bugs: Is it me, or is putting one's phone number in a SPAM an invitation to strong flaming?
P.T.: It's not you.
We market a real product,
Bugs: As opposed to a fake product...
that pays real commissions to you,$1,000.00 per sale,
Doomsday: I thought we weren't selling anything.
just for making the initial contacts. With our turn-key lead generation systems you'll always talk to people who actually WANT to talk to you.
Bugs: I've never been that desprarate for dates!
You have nothing to lose,
P.T.: Except your money...
Bugs: ...your friends...
Doomsday: ...your possessions...
Doc: ...your freedom...
there's no risk involved,
Bugs: Except for the part about running from the cops...
nor is there any obligation whatsoever, and you may be qualified to earn thousands of extra dollars per month! So call now!
ALL: NO!
The call is FREE, and there is absolutely no obligation, So what have you got to lose?
ALL: Everything!
Call Toll Free 1-800-995-0796 ext. 9800
Bugs: You already gave us your phone number!
P.S. You literally have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to GET INVOLVED NOW!
Doomsday: Do we have to?
Don't let this one go by. You have absolutely nothing to lose! This could be the most fascinating and profitable business of your life!
ALL: Or not...
Please, serious inquiries only.
Doomsday: As opposed to silly inquiries...
To be removed from future mailings send a blank email with remove in the subject line and the email address or addresses to be removed in the body to [email protected]
P.T.: Thanks for telling us that, Frank!
Doomsday: Why does the word, "bigfoot" appear in his name?
Bugs: Who cares? Let's get outta here!
(The boys get up and leave the theater.)
Doc: Well, that wasn't too bad...
(Lights begin to flash. Doc activates the Hex Screen.)
(Castle)
Pearl: Well, helloooo. And I see that you survived your first encounter with SPAM.
(SOL)
P.T.: Yeah. Like it was unsurvivable.
(Castle)
Pearl: Well, the next one won't be. But we'll just have to see, won't we? Toodles! (Pearl turns off the Hex Screen from her end of things.)
(SOL)
Doc: Looks like we have a new opponent.
P.T.: This one may take some time to crack.
Doomsday: I wonder if there's anything to eat up here. (Goes off in search of food.)
Bugs: How long do you think we'll be up here, Doc?
Doc: Shouldn't take us more than a few days to escape, a week at the most.
Bugs & P.T.: "Days"?!?
Doc: Possibly a month or two.
Bugs & P.T.: "Months"?!?
Doc: I doubt if it'll take years to get home... (Doc goes off to find a computer and start calculations.)
Bugs & P.T.: "Years"?!?
(As Bugs and P.T. give each other helpless looks, the shot fades to the credits.)