I do not own the Max Steel characters, or the concept of MiSTing. Note that the greater-than, less-than signs don't show up when I post with my site editor, so I am used to changing them into ( ) or other brackets for posting.
Max, Berto, and Cat was sitting in the TV room of the Behemoth --they had unofficially dubbed the room TSMST5K or Team Steel Mystery Science Theater 5000-- getting ready for another MiSTing. Berto had just gotten another SPAM mail and had redirected it to the big screen TV that sat at one end.
Max: Anyone have any popcorn?
Cat: You should have done that before we started, Steel.
Berto: I don't think we have any popcorn on board the Behemoth.
Max: Note to self: Get popcorn, a popcorn popper, and a fridge for drinks...
Cat: Just sit and read the SPAM, Steel...
Return-path: ([email protected])
Max: (as William Shatner) Space... the... final... frontier. These... are... the... voyages... of... the... Starship... Enterprise. Her... five... year... mission...
Cat: Cool it, Steel! We don't have all week!
From: "Kevin Stone" ([email protected])
Berto: Kevin Stone...brother to Sharon Stone.
Cat: Or founder of the Rolling Stones.
Max: Or the ancestor of Fred Flintstone.
Berto & Cat: (Looks at Max questioningly.) WHAT?!?
Max: Never mind...
Subject: AMAZING OVERNIGHT FAT-LOSS NEWS #2040
Cat: A fat-loss SPAM. Greattt...
Max: Did we really need to see this, Berto?
Berto: Sorry, hermano. This is all I got.
Cat: I hope we get some fics, soon.
Cat: Wax on...wax off...
Max: You know, that always sounded like a car wax commercial.
X-MimeOLE:
Max: X-MimeOLE: the first of a new generation of Pokemon.
Produced By Microsoft
All: Bill Gates! (makes crosses with their fingers and holds them out at the screen)
Max: Somebody call Buffy!
MimeOLE V(null).1712.3
Berto: X-MimeOLE's evolved form, X-MimeOLE V.
Date: Fri, 24 Nov 2000 17:48:06 -0500
Max: Slow and steady wins the race.
Cat: Only for turtles. For SPAM, the later the better.
Berto: True...too true.
JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!
Berto: The e-mail is dated November 24, 2000. This is March of 2001. I'd say it was somewhat late.
Cat: I agree.
Max: Yep!
It only takes an hour of your time
Cat: To totally mess up your life with this program!
to gently rub in our miracle gel
Berto: I don't want to think about the image that line conjures up!
Max: Okay. I will, then...
(Berto and Cat just gives him a strange look.)
and
All: And...
.. LOSE 4-6 INCHES OF STUBBORN FAT OVERNIGHT!
Cat: Don't want it. Don't need it.
Max: Want to lose weight? Just sign up for N-Tek's secret agent training program. Ask for Rachael.
****FLATTEN your stomach.
Cat: (Looks at her stomach) Nope. Stomach's already flat.
****RE-SHAPE your butt.
Max: Her butt's in great shape, too...
Cat: Excuse me. I'll be right back. (leaves)
(Max and Berto just look at each other.)
****TRIM your thighs.
Berto: Also not necessary.
****REDUCE cellulite everywhere!
Max: "Reduce" the money in your pocket, you mean.
(Cat returns with a baseball bat.
Max: Err...what's the bat for, Cat.
Cat: Insurance.
Berto: I hate to ask, but...insurance for what?
Cat: That Max behaves himself.
Max: Eep! (Moves to the far end of the couch.) I'll be good.
Cat: (smiling) Good.
^^^WITHOUT strict diets
Max: Try the college kid's diet: All you want of one kind of food. Plus your choice of drink.
^^^WITHOUT strenuous exercise
Max: Nothing is more strenuous than fighting DREAD.
^^^WITHOUT harmful metabolism boosters
All:...
^^^WITHOUT expensive surgery
Max: Like the surgical genius of Psycho?
Do you want to...
Cat: No, we don't.
[ ] GET SLIM for the Holidays & STAY SLIM?
Cat: Don't need to.
[ ] EAT WHAT YOU WANT at Holiday feasts and festivities but GET RID OF those extra inches FAST?
Max: Just go surfing, jetsking, snowsking, snowboarding, skyboarding...
Cat: Max Steel: The Extreme Sports junkie.
[ ] BEGIN THE NEW YEAR without having to go on ANOTHER DIET?
Berto: What diet?
YOU CAN DO IT ALL!!!!!
Max: At least, he's got a positive attitude.
with the safe and reliable overnight results of our MIRACLE GEL.
Cat: "MIRACLE GEL"?
Berto: Yeah. It'd be a miracle if it works.
It's safe to use as often as once a week to help you lose more and more inches
Cat: ...And more, and more, and more, and more...
OR...
All: "OR..."
to lose the added inches of too much Holiday celebrating!
Max: Exercise would do that without chemicals.
Cat: Miracle Gel: The lazy person's way to lose weight.
GUARANTEED RESULTS!
Berto: Or we double your money back...
Cat: ...going to your next of kin.
"My wife was scheduled for $6,000 liposuction surgery.
Max: $6,000 which could have been saved with a decent diet and regular exercise.
We saw your ad and decided your product was worth
Berto: Absolutely nothing!
trying first. Words can't express
Cat: Your disgust?
our delight!
Cat.
My wife lost
Max: Her mind?
four inches in her midriff and three inches in her waist,
Max: Oh.
much more than the 'average results' in your ad.
Cat: Which isn't saying much.
Needless to say,
Max: We got gyped.
we cancelled the surgery."
Berto: As Max said, diet and exercise would have been a whole lot less.
Eric Larsen, Lacrosse, WI
Max: They're actually giving out testimonials for this stuff?
Cat: Yep. Scary, isn't it?
Max: I'll say! (shudders)
"I'm a professional singer, and I'm on the road a lot.
Max: o/~ One the road again...o/~
I lost almost two inches in my waistline in the first 24 hours.
Cat: 2 inches in 1 day?!? Does the FDA know about this stuff?
I am very proud of the fact that I have lost this waistline and obliques fat."
Berto: I'll believe that when I see the scientific reports!
David Hutchins, Hickory,
Max: Dickory, Doc!
NC
"I lost one inch in my waist, one inch in my hips, and two inches in my thighs.
Cat: 4 inches. Coulda lost more under a doctor's supervision.
The overnight results
Berto: "Overnight"? You're kidding, right? I hope...
with your product are really great! Thank you!"
Max: You're not welcome!
Susan Meir, New York, NY
Max: o/~ New York, New York...!o/~
Cat: Can the singing, Steel! (waves bat in Max's general direction)
Max: (grumbles) Okay, okay...I'll stop!
Cat: Good.
FOR MORE FREE INFORMATION,
Max: We don't want any!
lots of testimonials,
Berto: We don't need any more of those, thank you very much!
and a step-by-step description of how this product safely creates such amazing overnight results
Cat: And we don't need any of that!
Reply To:
mailto:[email protected]?subject=more_info
Max: And it's a different color than the rest of the text, so you can find it...
Berto: Very kind of them, isn't it?
Cat: Not really.
CALL US: 520-203-4572 (9am-6pm, MST Mon-Sun)
You'll talk to people who have used our miracle gels.
Cat: Or rather, their lawyers...
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Max: Lines...
Please remove at:
mailto:[email protected]?subject=remove
Cat: And you didn't tell us this before because...
Berto: They wanted to be sure we read the ad first.
Max: Makes sense...or does it?
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Berto: And more lines signal the end of the SPAM.
Max: Thank goodness!
Berto: Cat, would you really hit Max with a baseball bat?
Cat: Maybe.
Neither notices that Max had disappeared. Suddenly, the bat is wrestled from her grasp. Berto and Cat watch as the wooden weapon seems to be floating in midair.
Cat: STEEL! GIVE THAT BACK!
Max: (turning off his stealth mode) Make me! (sticks his tongue out at her, childishly)
Max runs out of the room with the bat, followed closely by an angry Cat.
Berto: Just another day with Team Steel...(sighs)
Berto leaves to find Max and Cat and hopefully reduce the impending damage.
Like it? Got anything for Team Steel to MiST? Send it in to the e-mail above. Or tell me where to find it. Will only MiST with the permission of the author, except for SPAM. That will be MiSTed freely and without hesitation. Or, we can MiST something together.