YOU'RE A GOOD POLICE OFFICER IF...

1. You have the bladder capacity of three people
2. You have ever restrained someone and it wasn't a sexual experience
3. You believe that 25 % of people are a waste of protoplasm
4. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change
5. You request a criminal history check on anyone who seems friendly towards you
6. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you
7. You can identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a person
8. You find humour in other people's stupidity
9. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac
10. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
11. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says,
           "Boy, it sure is quiet around here"
12. You believe chocolate is a food group
13. When someone calls you a prick, you take it as a compliment
14. You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you start laughing uncontrollably
15. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track
16. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled, "suicide...getting it right the first time"
17. Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion
18. You think that caffeine should be available in the IV form
19. You believe that cells should come equipped with a Valium saltlick
20. You're sure that anyone who says, "I only had two beers," will blow over 150mg%
21. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
22. You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar and you find yourself talking to it on the seat beside you
23. You have trouble differentiating between counsel and client
24. People shout, "I didn't do it" when you walk into a room and think they are being hugely funny and original
25. You believe strongly in involuntary sterilization
26. You are half pissed in your backyard with Members of your unit and waving at neighbours as they drive to work
27. You know every shit rat's D.O.B. in town but can't remember the name of the guy who lives across the street
28. You drive a patrol car covered in empty coffee cups and candy wrappers for 10 hours refusing to throw it out because you didn't put it there
29. You have an uncontrollable urge to kill the next asshole that leaves you with a quarter tank of gas in the Patrol Car at the start of your shift
30. Your favourite initials are "R.O.D.". ( Report Off Duty )