Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
Rearrange their altar.
Clean their "tools."
If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you
never understood that dumb card game...
Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their
doing.
Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a
good witch, or a bad witch?"
Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses
the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.
Take them to a Catholic Mass.
Turn their pentagrams upside down.
Recite good poetry during ritual.
Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the
invocation.
Ask if they can do those things like in that
movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"
When they start talking about "the Goddess" start
chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian.
Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired
bullshit-cut-off switch.
See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say,
tarot. Then ask them why they know.
Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree
rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't,
if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck,
and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit.
Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants
human sacrifices.
Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get
initiated to the 3rd Degree.
Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking
similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to
wake you when the sex starts...
Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from
one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of
Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a
*good* book on Wicca.
When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not
to be so hard on themselves.
Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and
'houseclad'.
Remind them the moon has four phases, not three.
Men - wear amber and jet.
Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say
your swastika is just a rune.
Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.
Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people
that like having their brain shut down.
Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the
phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country
priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during
the five fold kiss.
Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist
unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying
Hermeticists...