11 Kinds Of Asians


1. The RACER

This kind of Asian is known as the Racer. You will decipher them from
the cars they drive. Usually it is a Acura or a Honda, and they are
lowered. Some may be lowered one inch, and others may be so
lowered that they sometimes scrape the ground and make scratching
sounds. The owner may or may not care about the muffler or pipes or
whatnot sweeping the floor. They are probably too engrossed in the
stereotypical Asian women gawking over their cars. As long as there
are women looking at their cars, then they do not care about anything
else.

2. The BRAND NAME MEN

Now, these men are "Brand Name Men." This means that they do not
wear typical clothes. Oh, no, they can't. They have to be cool like
the rest of their brother's and sisters and wear NAUTICA, POLO, DKNY,
TOMMY, and anything else that is really expensive. Though they know
that there are half a million people wearing the same shirt, they still
want the style. They think that they will be cool as long as the other
people wearing the same clothes are cool. That means, as long as
they smoke weed, drive lowered cars, and beat up people at
Serramonte, then they are still cool.

To accentuate their shirts, they have to wear matching brand name
pants. Their pants have to be made by the same maker of their shirt.
That means, if they wear a TOMMY HILFIGER shirt, they have to wear
TOMMY HILFIGER pants. That usually means the socks have to
match. Oh, I can't forget the shoes. Sometimes, if a cool Brand Namer
cannot afford the expensive pants, then they just wear the regular
kinds. That means they make sure that the top part of the pants
exposing the brand name will be covered at all times. THAT, of
course, means that they cannot wear their pants around their ankles.

Knowing this, these Brand Namers usually save up as much money as
they can so they CAN buy the matching pants, and then sag it and
wear it around their ankles to fit into their cool crowd. To add on to
this, some brand namers may want to look even MORE cool by
wearing a hat. This, obviously, will be the same brand as the rest of
their clothes. Sometimes the hat will be forwards, or backwards,
depending on what the trend is.

If a brand namer really wants to get a girl, then they will buy some
underwear or boxers made by the same expensive brand. They will
sometimes bring the girl to a corner, lift up their underwear/boxers
and say, "Hey look how cool I am. I matched my hat, shirt, pants,
socks and shoes by wearing the same underwear/boxers. I bet you
really want to go out with me now." Usually, the dim-witted
superficial girl will say, "Oh, hell yeah. Only if I can tell all my dope
homie girls and show them what a cool guy you really are."

In the end, the girl and guy will probably walk around Serramonte
wearing the same clothes, matching each other. Then, lonely Brand
Namer will be attached to a Brand Namette, forming the common
superficial Bay Area Asian couple.

3.The CAGE DANCERS

These Asians are only seen in clubs. They are the ones behind the
metal barred cages dancing like animals. There are two different
types of the caged beasts. The first, and GOOD kind, are the actual
dancers that have talent. They are the ones that belong in dance
groups, and they are the ones that actually have a reason for being
in the cages. The ones that we are talking about today are the no
talent, scantily dressed, completely made-up, hoochie-mama,
"look at me because I want attention!" slutty type of girl.

The first way that you spot these is the way they dance. You can
tell if they are off beat, and if they remove their clothing. They are
usually the freakishly made-up ones, swinging their legs and spreading
their legs in the cages. Sometimes, the real brave ones try to imitate
monkeys and climb to the top of the cage and hang there. The ones
that like to do this are usually wearing skirts and g-strings, and
sometimes just skirts. They climb up there and hang, letting the
whole club see their private parts, most likely all rotten and spoiled
from excessive usage.

Sometimes, these girls invite other girls like them (their friends, most of
the time) and they start freaking each other, like lesbians. They feel
all over each other, exciting all the dirty guys, who sometimes try to
climb in the cage with them. If the guys are successful and allowed
participation (99.9% of the time), then they start playing a threesome,
in French words known as a menage a trois with clothes on. If the club
is not strict, then they will attempt to remove all clothing and proceed
in their dirty, prostitute and nymphomaniac sexual procedures.

In the end, the crowd is either disgusted or excited, and then, the
girl's clothes (purchased from Forever 21) will most likely be stained,
ripped, or dirty, and the day after the club, they will return from the
guys house that they had just slept with, and go to Forever 21 and
try to return the clothes or get an exchange because, "Hey, we
BOUGHT the clothes like that!"

4. The PUFFY JACKETERS

These people are easy to see. They consist of many women and men
of the Asian race, and they all wear Puffy Jackets. They are not the
regular jackets that are 1inch thick. They are the jackets that are like
pillows. The same Jackets that the Eskimos or Skiers wear in the
freezing cold. Of course, they will have to be brand name (See number 2).

They will be around 5 inches thick, and usually some really bright color
so that everyone can see them. They come in Orange, Yellow, Blue,
Red, and sometimes even fluorescent green. On these pillow jackets
are the brand names in big flashy letters. Sometimes they are on the
back, and are around 3 inches wide exposing the words "POLO" or
"FIRST DOWN."

Now, these people are easy to spot because they are year round.
These people do not seem to care what season it is, because they
continue to wear their jackets in pride. It could be 100 degrees
fahrenheit outside, but these Puffy Jacketer's refuse to take their
jackets off. It seems to act like a sanctuary. It surrounds them, and
is so thick that you cannot see their necks.

You can also hear them. If you are sitting in a doctor's office and a
Puffy person comes in, you will be able to close your eyes and listen
to their movements. As they sit down, it will sound like tissue paper
being slowly crinkled. If they walk swishing their arms, you will
constantly hear the swishing of their arms brushing against their
jackets. Therefore, you will never be in danger of one of these
Puffies sneaking up on you. Just be alert, and you will always be safe.

5. The CLUBBING WOMEN

Asian women are usually thought to be the quiet and obedient kind,
but times have changed. In the Bay Area, these women have grown
quite cunning. Instead of luring in men with their intelligence and
interesting personalities, they have found a faster, and more
convenient way. That is in their clothes. They seem to wear these
clothes not only TO a club, but even to the supermarket. They wear
these clothes everywhere. To the park, to the bank, even to church.

Now, in Serramonte Mall, Daly City, there seems to be a quaint little
shop called Forever 21. For these clubbing women, or girls, I should
say, this is their favorite store. Not only are the shirts .99 cents each,
their clothes are perfect for clubbing. There are holes where there
need to be holes, and sometimes the company's material is so thin
that the bras are see through. Not that these girls mind. They like it
like that. This way, the Brand Name Men will be so enticed by their
flat chests, that these girls will not even need to say anything before
the men start crawling over.

Unlike the old days where women used perfume, they use any kind of
cleavage and skin. Not only do they like see through tops and little
tops, they also like see through pants. Most of these girls like to buy
the white pants, because then they can buy the .50 cent g-strings
that Forever 21 sells. Since the pants are white, these girls will buy
black thongs just to make sure that it will be visible through the white
pants. It is to eliminate competition. If a male were to see two females
side by side, they would go for the own showing more skin. That means,
if a girl was wearing a tube top but no see through pants, the guy would
definitely drift to her friend, who happens to be wearing a tube top and
see through pants.

This way, the male can stare and drool at her gluteus maximus, then go
home and spank his monkey. If he gets lucky and the girl likes him, then
she will go home with him and relieve him of that duty. Of course, this
will lead on to a baby, and then the male will drop out of school and work
at a gas station while the woman goes to the mall and applies for a job at
Forever 21. Thus, the cycle continues.

6. The ASIAN AFRICANS

Now, this is a hard one. These, you cannot spot. You actually have to
talk to them in order to know they have this disease. If you do indeed try
and have a conversation with a lowly Asian African, you will have to
notice their speaking pattern. If you ask them how they are, they will
most likely respond, "I'm chillin, nigga." If you ask them where they work,
they will respond, "Nigga, I ain't workin' right now. You's trippin."

This is a serious disease. It's called, "Identity Crisis." These poor Asians
seem to think they are African American. They like to use the derogatory
word, "Nigga," which is what an African American uses to call his/her
brothers/sisters. They seem to call everyone that, as a symbol of their
"hardcore-ness." It's a sad disease, but nothing can be done. It comes
from an African American language, "EBONICS." These poor Asian Africans
cannot be changed unless they do it themselves.

Logically, I think they get confused because their parents are seemingly
Asian. Therefore, the only way these people can fit in is if they claim to
be half Black themselves. Another way is if their whole group of friends
speak the same way. Then they do not need to claim to be of mixed
blood. They just become a group of "Asian African Americans," and if
anyone decides to think differently, then their brothers will certainly beat
them up. Most likely fpimd at the Serramonte Mall, where the clubber
women will be watching and flaunting their bodies, and where the teenies
will be watching and learning from their role models.

7. The TEENY BOPPER

These are little girls and boys around the ages of 12-16. Sometimes, this
symptom carries on until they are 18 or 19. These little suckers are not
hard to spot either. Sometimes they even run into the "Brand Namers"
category, but that is okay because this category is a branch off of that
one. To start off, some of these Teenies are really short. Given their ages,
they are mostly around 4 feet to 5 feet. They do wear the puffy jackets
and clubbing hoe clothes, but the difference is that they are still in
Middle school, and some have not yet gone through puberty.

They are little tykes that used to hang around the Serramonte bus stop
(before they took it down 1 year ago) and get into fights. They call
themselves names, like, "Crazy Bebots" for the girls, and "Real Filipino
Boyz" or something like that. They like to use their crayons that they
stole from school and tag all over anything they can reach. This means
bathrooms, walls, buses, bus stops. Anything.

The boys usually hang around in clusters and walk around the mall.
They try to pick up on the bopper girls, and if they are lucky enough,
they get them into bed later on in the week. This results in getting
phat props from their boys, and they are known as "players." The girls,
on the other hand, wear the same clothes from Forever 21 (of course,
they are tailored to be made shorter because they are smaller than the
regular hoes) and usually the bottoms of their jeans or slacks are stapled
and tucked in. Since they have no breasts, they can only wear baby tees.

But, they either tie the back of their shirt into a knot to make is shorter,
or they cut it, so they can expose some skin. Sometimes, their hair is
curled and plastered to their head, or whatever the trend is. They usually
parade through the mall in swarms, giggling and smiling to the bopper
players. They even try to get numbers, and sometimes, they compete to
see who can get the most. Eventually, they get picked up on, and end up
sleeping with a little player. Thus, these little girls are known as "beginner
sluts."

8. The SINGERS

These people think they can sing. When they were little, they probably
saw some TV show with some singer on it that inspired them. They think
they can sing, and sing well. Usually they get together their friends and
sing. Sometimes they will sing a modern song, but THEIR version. They
will usually tells girls, "Hey.... you know... I SING." And the girl,
dim-witted as she is, will be all flattered and impressed.

If they are on the phone, the girl will say, "Sing something to me." and
the singer will then say, "Alright," and start to sing some crappy love
song with the tones all mixed up and his voice all cracking. Of course,
the girl will not notice, and if she does, she will not tell her friends that.
She will tell her friends, "Oh, guess what.... he SANG to me!!"
Sometimes, she will even have him perform on her voicemail. And then,
her friends will be so impressed and try to hook up with the friends of
the singer, whom, of course, also sing.

Thus, these girls will tell their friends that they sing, and their friends
will tell their friends, and pretty soon you get this group of guys that
have a reputation for singing. Not only will they sing to the girls, they
will sing in Denny's, at Serramonte, basically anywhere that there are
girls.

Now, in Daly City where 80% of the population think they can sing,
they probably don't sound that bad. Most likely this group of singers
will try to get some label to sign them, perform at some club, and get
nowhere. After awhile, they will probably end up doing the same routine,
which is getting a girl pregnant, dropping out of school and working at
a gas station, while the girl becomes the manager at Forever 21.

9. The MALL RATS

These types are only found in Malls. Hence the name, "MALLRATS."
You know how you go to the malls and you eat at a fast food place,
let's say, McDonalds, and you just happen to see these people there?
Usually, they are the TEENYBOPPERS, (See number 5) ages from 10-16.
They are the ones without cares, otherwise they would either be driving
(see number 1) or sitting in the cars of the Brand Name Men (see number
2).

Usually, they walk around in little swarms trying to attract attention.
They walk around in a Hard core style (see number 6) or they try to
attract girls by singing (see number 7). They like to follow around their
idols, which are usually the older types of gangster wannabes or Asian
Africans. If there is an Arcade, then most likely they will be there either
watching their idols play a video game, or playing a video game themselves.

They never buy anything because sometimes they have no money
because they are too young to get jobs. Even if they do get jobs it will
most likely be some poor paying job because they have no experience. To
continue, they walk around the mall continuously trying to pick up the
opposite sex, and then around 6:00p.m. they get on the bus and go
home. The next morning, they are there again. If they are MallRats at
Serramonte, the girls will most likely be found at Forever 21, either wishing
they worked there or watching their idols dress like sluts so they can learn
to dress like sluts too.

10. The ASIAN VOICEMAILS

If you ever want to hear a pathetic Asian voicemail then you can call
(650) 301-####. Just type in the last four digits, you can use anything.
Most likely, you will get an Asian voicemail. Recently, someone emailed me
these numbers: (650) 301-0781 or 0782, 0783, 0784, 0785, 0786, 0787,
0788, etc. Also, (415) 709-#### work really well, too. You can try any of
those, for someone just emailed them to me and said they were classic
examples. Anyhow, I would suggest that you just listen to them, because
you don't know them and hey, it IS their privacy. But anyway, whatever.

But this is how it works. You call, and the line picks up. You hear this
really loud music, usually rap, or some love song, and after about a minute
into it the girl would start talking and saying something in a whisper, which
you can barely hear, and most of the time you can't hear at all. If it's a
girl, it will most likely be a sappy love song, and she'll say something like,
"Yo yo wassup, you just got to babyhoneysugarlover's voicemail. (NO
SHIT!!) Leave a message after the tone, and I'll surely get you back. But
before I cut, I just wanna say wassup to my babyhoneysugarbooger lover
boo, you know who you are (in case she has more than one). But I also
wanna give props to my niggas 123, 321, 420, 430, 543, 304, Jon, Joe,
James, Jake, Jane, Jesse, Jack, Janelle, and for those that I missed, I luvs
yah and you'll never be forgotten. Aight then, much love to all ya'll and I'm
out." That is the typical voicemail.

After she is done saying all the crap, which you can't hear, then you'll
hear the music for another five minutes, and finally the beep. If it is a
guy, then you will hear rap, or his own little clique singing. Then he'll say
something like, "Wassup nigga this is Romeo's voicemail. Ya'll bes leave a
message after that tone, and I'll gets yas back. Before I cuts, though,
nigga, I wanna say sup to all my hardcore homie G's, and all da playas out
there. All right den niggey, I'm outs." Or some crap like that. Then you'll
hear some really loud rap song in the background for about 10 minutes.
These people are so stupid that they need to shutup!

11. The aSiAn OnLiNe TyPeRs

These people are only found on the Internet. They only like to TyPe iN
lOwErCaSe aNd UpPeRcAsE lEtTeRs AlL mIXeD Up bEcAuSe EvEn oN tHe
InTerNet ThEy nEeD tO aCt AlL hArD. They don't care how straining on
the eye it is to read; they don't care how ugly it looks; they don't care
how long it takes for them to type it, as long as you can tell that these
people are so cool and soooo Asian because they type like that.

People that do this usually sit in front of the computer and try to attract
girls in the chat rooms. They usually type all hard also, like, "HeY NiGgUh, I
aM sO FiNe I KnOw YoU wAnT tO sEnD mE a GiF. Most of the time, they
don't know what a GIF even is. They just know that it means PICTURE,
and they want pictures of girls. These people also use abbreviations when
they type, like, "MaN NiGgA I wUz At A ClUB laSt NyTe aNd dA gUrLiEs
WuZ Da bOmbs yO! I wUz lIkE ThAt BiTcH OvA DeRe NeEds TaH Cum OvA
tO MaH PlAcE aNd LeT me GiT At hEr!"

Usually, it takes them about five minutes to type what would take a
normal typist 1 minute. These people are really irritating, and once they
get off America Online (Which Sucks) They'll most likely hit the malls (if
they are young) or go to work at their Gas Station or Forever 21.


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