Prayer for Grace and Guru's Upadesa

Sri Bhagavan was sitting alone.I thought it was a great opportunity for me to talk to him freely. I told him about my interest in giving religious discources,doing japa, and studying Vedanta.

I told him that I had not been getting any peace, but the moment I heard about him, I was filled with peace.I also told Sri Bhagavan in Malayalam about how the Swamiji who had taught me Vedanta tried to attain samadhi. Sri Bhagavan listened to everything with a smile. I asked him what I should do to get mental peace. Sri Bhagavan replied, "You have read Kaivalyam. It is clearly stated that if you realise yourself, you will be freed from the cycle of birth and death and be freed from all trouble."

When I asked him how to realise the Self, he said I should first know who I am, he said, "Find out where thoughts start from." When asked how I should do it, he said, "Turn inward and merge the mind in the heart." After saying this, he fell into his natural silence. Thinking I should also be like him, I sat in silence. Sri Bhagavan's gracious looks were on me. My mental agitation vanished that very moment and I attained a peace and joy that I had not experienced earlier.
      (p. 17)

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            The scholar too has become like us

A scholar came from the north to have darshan of Sri Bhagavan and stayed in the ashram for some days. He would sit beside Sri Bhagavan's sofa and read aloud verses from the Upanishads and other words in Sanskrit continually. We could, because of this, neither talk to Sri Bhagavan nor meditate.

But Sri Bhagavan was listening to all this patiently. Ten days passed like this. One day the scholar was not found beside Sri Bhagavan; there was no noise. He was sitting in a corner quietly. When I looked at him in surprise, Sri Bhagavan said in Malayalam, "The scholar had also become like us".

Yes. No one can improve himself or another through mere book knowledge. The scholar exhibited his scholarship before Sri Bhagavan, the sun of jnana, and finally chose to be quiet. It is a well known fact that all, irrespective of whether they were scholars or illiterates, got peace through the gracious look of Sri Bhagavan. Their ignorance, conceit and worries also disappeared.

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            Sri Bhagavan saw only the good in all

Generally Sri Bhagavan never talked about either the good or bad qualities of others. However if he heard of the death of someone he knew, he would praise his good qualities. Sometimes we used to feel that we should die in order to hear good things about us from Sri Bhagavan! But of course we won't be able to hear those words! The moment we heard the news of the death of someone, we would immediately go and sit before Sri Bhagavan to listen to his comments on the departed soul.

In Tiruvannamalai, there was a rich man by name Kandaswamy. His conduct was not particularly good and the local people detested him. He used to come and see Sri Bhagavan occasionally. In his last days,he suffered from poverty. Once he wanted some special gruel and sent word through someone to the ashram. He was staying in a dilapidated temple opposite the ashram. Sri Bhagavan arranged for gruel to be sent to him. This was sent on three successive days. On the fourth day, Kandaswamy passed away.

We informed Sri Bhagavan of this. We thought Sri Bhagavan would not have anything good to say about this man. What a surprise! Sri Bhagavan said, "Nobody can keep his body and clothes as clean as Kandaswamy. He was next to Injikollai Dishitar in cleanliness. He used neither oil nor soap. He would come to the tank at eight in the morning and start washing his dhoti and towel. By the time he finished his bath, it would be 12 noon. His hair and beard were spotlessly clean."

We were really ashamed of ourselves. Sri Bhagavan was unique in seeing only the good in others.
      (p. 90)

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            How Sri Bhagavan stopped going round the hill

Whenever we went round the hill with Sri Bhagvan,we would ask someone to look after the kitchen work and another to look after the ashram.Those who had accompanied Sri Bhagvan earlier would stay back to give a chance to others.

Once Narayana Rao was in charge of the kitchen. He was a boyhood friend of Chinaswami. He was very good in English. He was a majestic figure. If Chinaswami occasionally criticised his cooking, he would say, "Iam a Rao.You dare to teach me cooking!"

During moonlit nights, we used to eat puri, potato and such snaks in the evenings and then go round the hill. We used to carry something to eat on the way and return early next morning. Once after eating snaks,we were ready to start on our giripradakshina. Chinnaswami had asked Narayana Rao to look after the ashram that day. Rao said,"You are all in the presence of Sri Bhagavan all the time. Iam able to go with Him only after I finish my work in the kitchen. I want to go with Him now. I do not like this 'turn' business." There were heated exchanges between Chinaswami and Rao who finally said,"I will leave the ashram." Chinnaswami said, "All right, you can go if you do not want to be here."

The matter reached Sri Bhagavan's ears. When were all ready, we said to Sri Bhagavan that we could start. Sri Bhagavan was silent for a while and said, "You may all go." Again we said, "Food has been packed." He said, "Eat after your return." We were all stunned. Sri Bhagavan said, "There is a controversy because I go round the hill. You please go round the hill without me." He said these words calmly but firmly. Sri Bhagavan did not go round the hill afterwards. Even earlier some devoteees had felt that Sri Bhagvan should stop going round the hill as He used to feel a little tired on His return. Such devotees were happy at Sri Bhagavan's decision not to go round the hill.

Narayana Rao felt unhappy that he was the cause of Sri Bhagavan's stopping giripradakshina. He left the ashram in sorrow and went and stayed in Pavalakunru but came and saw Sri Bhagavan frequently. The head of Isanya mutt invited Rao to his mutt. He took sannyas at Koyilur mutt and called himself Narayanaswami.Even then he would come and see Sri Bhagvan. He stayed in a number of mutts and passed away recently.
      (p. 113)

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            Real Samadhi

Sachidananda Yogeswara of Cuddapah was a famous hatha yogi. Once he went round the whole country.He used to stay in important places for three days and give talks.He came to the ashram also and talked to Sri Bhagavan and returned to where he was staying in the town.We were asked by his followers to listen to his talks. Palaniswami and I went there. At that time we were told that Yogeswara was in samadhi.One of his followers said, "He is in samadhi now. He will wake up at a particular time and give his talk at a particular time." Then he asked us, "When is your Bhagavan in samadhi?" When he heard this question, Sri Palaniswami burst out laughing.I said, "For a jnani,there is no specific time for being awake or in samadhi. He was amused at your question."

Is is said in Vasishtam also that whatever he might be doing,a jnani never goes into or out of samadhi. He is always in samadhi though he may be engaged in wordly activities. I told him that Sri Bhagvan was always in samadhi.

When I returned to the ashram, Sri Bhagavan asked me what had happened at the hatha yogi's place. I told him the whole thing. Sri Bhagavan said with a smile, "People think that samadhi is limited to some time and place. Sitting in one place and keeping the eyes closed is said to be samadhi. What can we do?"

There is a verse in Vasishtam: A person may be in padmasana but if he does not enjoy Bliss,he cannot be said to be in samadhi. The greatest samadhi is to throw desire into the fire of Self-realisation. To be outwardly quiet without inward peace is not samadhi.

Sri Bhagavan had Himeself said in Verse 31 of the appendix to Ulladu Narpadu (Reality in Forty verses):

A man who is asleep in a cart is hardly aware of the movement of the cart,its stopping or the unyoking of the bullocks. So does a jnani sleep in the body. He is hardly aware of work, samadhi and sleep. They are all the same to him.
      (p. 116)