1-Liners
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- WISE REMARKS:
- Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
- I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
- Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
- I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
- I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- NEWS FLASH:
- NEWS FLASH: 1000 mattresses stolen. Police are springing into action.
- NEWS FLASH: Last night someone drilled a hole in a fence surrounding a nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
- NEWS FLASH: 1000 wigs were stolen in Miami! Police are combing the area.
- NEWS FLASH: The first all-white dalmation has been spotted.
- NEWS FLASH: Two prisoners escaped. One is 6'8" and the other is 4'2". Police are looking high and low.
- MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS:
- Life doesn't begin at 40 for those who went like 60 at 20.
- I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days.
- We were all put on this earth with a certain number of things to get done. At the rate I'm going, I'll never die.
- No man goes before his time. Unless the boss leaves early.
- Teach your kids the value of money--borrow from them.
- I'm not living in the past--I'm just paying for it.
- Early to bed and early to rise, 'til I make enough to do otherwise.
- Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you.
- If I can't take it with me, I'm not going.
- Vote "Yes" on "No."
- Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for.
- If "pro" is the opposite of "con" what's the opposite of "progress"?
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- Things to do today: (1) Get up, (2) Survive, (3) Go to bed.
- If the theory of evolution is correct, why do mothers still have only two arms?
- I'd know what to think if I knew who to believe.
- A city without trees is not fit for a dog.
- Idaho--It's not the end of the earth, but you can see it from here.
- My family eats from the 3 basic food groups: canned, frozen and take-out.
- Her only domestic quality was that she lived in a house.
- Why are aspirins white? Answer: You want them to work, don't you?
- Oscar Wilde: "Work is a refuge for those who have nothing better to do."
Blondes & Misfits
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- BLONDE JOKES
- If a blonde and a brunette jump out of a building, who lands first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
- Two girls were strolling down the street when the redhead exclaimed, "Oh, how sad--a dead bird.?" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
- Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes.
- How do you put sparkle in a blonde"s eyes? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- What does a blonde say after you blow in her ear? "Thanks for the refill."
- What's a blonde's mating call? "I'm sooooo drunk."
- What's another blonde mating call? "Next."
- What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brown? Artificial intelligence.
- What have you got when you line up ten blondes ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
- How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.
- Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? That's where you clean vegetables, isn't it?
- Why don't blondes eat pickles? Because their heads get stuck in the jar.
- Why don't blondes make Kool-Aid? They can't fit eight cups of water into that little packet.
- How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? Blow in her ear.
- Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
- Did you hear about the two blondes who went for a walk and got into an argument? One insisted the tracks underfoot were deer tracks. "No way," insisted the other blonde. "These are definitely moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
- What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
- Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
- What's the difference between an intelligent blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot's been sighted.
- Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one of every four children born in the world is Chinese.
- How can you tell which computer terminal belongs to the blonde? It's got White-Out all over the screen.
- Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? It's called MAIDS--if they don't get one, they die.
- Know why blondes never dial 911 in an emergency? Because they can't find eleven on their telephones.
- A blonde married a Native American, and when their child was born, what do you think they named him? Running Dumb.
- What's the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.
- YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF
- You think a family reunion is the best place to find a date.
- If your Dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
- If you smoke during your own wedding.
- If your front porch collapses and more than three dogs are killed.
- If you've ever had to carry a bucket of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
- If your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
- If someone asks to see your I.D., and you show them your belt buckle.
- If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- If your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- If your family tree does not fork.
- If you help your brother move his refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
- If your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
- If you've lost more than one tooth opening a beer bottle.
- If you think a bug-zapper and a 12-pack are quality entertainment.
- If you prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
- If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
- If you have to recrank your car at every intersection.
- If your father fully executes the "Pull My Finger" trick at Christmas Dinner.
- If you've ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
Insults
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- GENERAL
- Your breath is so bad that I don't know whether to give you breath mints or a roll of toilet paper.
- YOU ARE SO UGLY
- Your parents used to make you lie naked on the kitchen floor to scare away the bugs.
- If you were arrested for nudity in public, they would have to dismiss the charges because of lack of evidence.
- Your parents used to have to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the puppy to play with you.
- Your looks could make a train take a dirt road.
- I heard you stuck your face out the window while driving and an officer gave you a ticket for mooning.
- You're so ugly, your mom presses your face in the cookie dough to make gorilla cookies.
- You are so ugly that when you were born and the doctor saw your face and butt, he exclaimed "Twins!"
- You are so ugly that your parents still can't tell you apart from the dog; but that is still giving you too much credit for how you look.
- You are so ugly that your face could make a train take a dirt road.
- You are so ugly that your picture is found in the Dictionary under the letter "E" for Extremely Ugly.
- You were such an ugly baby that your parents had to tie a pork-chop around your neck to get the puppy to play with you.
- You were such an ugly child that your parents used to make you lie naked on the kitchen floor to scare away the bugs.
- You are so ugly that your parents must have lost a bet with God.
- YOU ARE SO FAT
- You are so fat that you have to take a bath at Raging Waters.
- I saw you standing in the pig pen at the County Fair singing "We are family."
- You are so fat that when you step on a scale, it says, "To be continued..."
- You are so fat that when you step on a scale, it says, "Please, one person at a time."
- You are so fat that if you rolled over onto a dollar bill, you would get four quarters in change.
- You are so fat that you could use a hula-hool to hold up your stockings.
- You are so fat that the only designer jeans you can wear are made by "Lardasche."
- You are so fat that you have to get your fashions from Aladdin's tent service.
- You really aren't fat.....for an elephant.
- You are so fat that when you take a bath, you have to roll over three times to get all wet.
- You are such a pig that everytime you visit McDonald's, they have to change the "Number of Hamburgers Sold" sign.
- You are so fat that you're afraid of going to the beach for fear of getting harpooned.
- You are so fat that you have to grease the doorways in your house to get around.
- You are so fat that you are considered a permanent resident of three states.
- There's bad news from Africa. They're killing your relatives for the ivory.
- In my opinion, you're a "10." Unfortunately, you'd look more like a woman if you were a 36.
- I knew a lady that was so fat, she was on both sides of the family tree.
- That girl's so fat that she looks like a station wagon with both doors wide open.
- YOU ARE SO POOR
- You are so poor that when I visited your house and stepped on a cigarette, your mother asked "Who turned off the heater?"
- You are so poor that you use Bubble Gum rappers for household air fresheners.
- You family is so poor that when I went to your house and asked, "What's for dinner?", your mother said, "Look in the oven.", and then she pushed me in.
- When I asked you what you were carrying a trash can for, you told me you were moving your house to a better neighborhood.
- YOU ARE SO STUPID
- You are so stupid that when you finally see a commercial you're interested in, the Energizer-Bunny comes in.
- You are so stupid that when I went to your house and asked for ice, you said that you forgot the recipe.
- Is that your head, or did your neck develop a tumor?
- You are so dirty that when you jump into the bathtub, the water jumps out.
- You are so uncoordinated that you threw a rock at the ground and missed.
- You are so stupid that when you went to the movies and it said, "Under 17 not admitted," you ran home and got 17 of your friends.
- The only way you know how to "Bag" is paper or plastic.
Questions & Answers
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- BODY PARTS -Name at least ten body parts that have only three letters:
Arm, Ear, Eye, Egg, Fat, Gum, Hip, Jaw, Lap, Leg, Lid, Lip, Rib, Toe,
- HOW MANY DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB:
- How many beer brewers does it take to screw in a lite bulb?
1/3 less than it takes to screw in a regular bulb.
- How do light bulbs know when they have an idea?
- How many frat brothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Five. One to hold the light bulb and the other 4 to drink until the room spins.
- How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Who wants to know?
- How many Americans does it take to screw in alight bulb?
Answer: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
- How many Idahoans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Five. One to screw in the light bulb, and 4 to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
- How many recently divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None, the lights go with the house.
Religious
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- RELIGIOUS
- I tried being an atheist, but I gave it up because there weren't any holidays.
- My pastor asked me if I had ever given thought to the here-after. I told him I thought about it a lot. Every time I go out to the garage, I always wonder what I'm here after.
- What do you get when you mix an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Answer: A person who knocks on your door for no reason at all.
- What do you get when you mix an agnostic with a dyslexic? Answer: A person who sits around all day and contemplates, "Is there really a DOG?"
- Question: What is the first sport mentioned in the Bible?
Answer: Baseball. In the Beginning. (Big Inning)
- Question: What is the second sport mentioned in the Bible?
Answer: Tennis. Moses was in Pharaoah's court.
- Question: How many cars are mentioned in the Bible?
Answer: Three: Joshua's Triumph, God's Fury and Jesus told his apostles to be in Accord.
- Question: Who was the shortest person mentioned in the Bible?
Answer: Nehiamiah (Knee-high Amiah)
- Question: Who was the wisest financial advisor in the Bible?
Answer: Noah. He had all his stock floating while everyone else had theirs liquidated.
- EXCERPTS FROM CHURCH BULLETINS
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Thursday at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor in his study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
- Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
- On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
- Tonight's sermon: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practicing.
Short Stories
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- NUDE STATUES IN THE PARK -
A small town wanted to attract tourists so they decided to construct statues of a
nude man and lady in their central park. The tourist business picked up, but the local
pigeons had made a mess of the statues after 20 years. One day the Good Statue Fairy
came down and allowed the statues to be human for just one hour. They immediately
jumped into the central park pond and washed off. Then a gleam came into their eyes
and he said "Do you know what I've been wanting to do for the last 20 years?"
They both ran off into the bushes and groans of pleasure soon were heard. When they
emerged, she said "There's time to do it again," so they ran off to the bushes again.
This time when they emerged, he said "If we hurry, we can do it just one more time."
She agreed by saying "Okay, but this time you hold the pigeon down. I want to
crap on its head."
- THE BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE -
Once upon a time, a boss was travelling with his secretary and a blizzard made it
necessary for them to check into a motel. There was only one room left, but
fortunately, there were two beds. During the night, the secretary whispered to her
boss that it was cold and asked if he would get her a blanket. The boss reasoned
that because they were both mature adults, would it be alright with her if they
pretended that they were married just for the night. The secretary bashfully agreed.
The boss then said, "Now that we're married, get your own damn blanket!"
- UNFAITHFUL WIFE -
The old farmer and his wife were sitting on their porch after celebrating their
fiftieth wedding anniversary. At long last the wife, her golden hair long since
turned to silver, broke the peaceful silence with a question.
"Have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Once, dear, just once," quavered her husband.
"And you?" "Just a minute," she said and disappeared into the house, returning with
a shoebox containing six kernels of corn and twenty thousand dollars in cash.
Her husband gaped at her. "What the hell does this mean?" "Every time I'm unfaithful
to you, I put a kernel of corn in the box," she explained. "Well, what's the money for?"
His wife said, "Every time I get a bushel, I sell it."
- FOUR DAYS IN HEAVEN -
Four doctors died and were asked at the gate why they thought they should be
allowed into Heaven. The first doctor replied, "I helped discover the cure for polio."
The angel agreed to let him in. The second doctor had established free medical programs
for the poor and the angel let him in also. The third doctor had developed HMO plans
and the angel said, " You may enter Heaven also, also agreed to let him into Heaven,
but only for four days."
- HIGH DOCTOR BILL -
A lady brought her beloved dog to the doctor and asked what was wrong with it.
The doctor told the lady that the dog had died. She demanded a second opinion.
Another doctor examined the dog and also pronounced the dog dead. The lady demanded
further testing so the doctors brought in a cat and placed it in front of the dog.
The cat clawed at the head of the dog and then did the same to the rear of the dog.
The doctors concluded that the dog was truly dead. The itemized bill for services was
for $450. The lady was furious and demanded to know why it cost so much to have
someone tell her that her dog was dead. The doctors explained: "$25 for the first
doctor, $25 for the second doctor, and $400 for the Cat Scan."
- A JEWISH CONFESSION -
A Catholic priest heard from the other side of the curtain,
"Father, I'm 79 years old and have been faithful to my wife all
these years, but last night I made love to a pair of 18-year old twins.
"The priest asked, "How long has it been since your last confession?"
The man replied, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
The Catholic priest asked, "Then, why are you here telling me this?"
The man replied, "At my age, I'm telling everyone."
Social & Political
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- BOBBITT STORIES:
- Did you hear that the charges against her were dropped to littering?
- It's nice to see that they're back together, and there's no hard feelings between them.
- There was another incident very similar to the Bobbitt's case. A wife tried to emasculate her husband but missed. She wasn't charged with malicious wounding, but released on a missed-da-wiener.
- JEFFEREY DAHMER:
- Did you hear that Jefferey Dahmer got out on bail. It cost him an arm and a leg though.
- Now Jeffery's problems begin all over again, and he has to find another apartment; this time with a little more leg room.
- OJ SIMPSON:
- Psychologists are now wondering if their abbreviation for overly-jealous males (OJ) is in bad taste.
- OJ is contemplating marriage again. He wants to take another stab at it.
- OJ's mother wants him home for Thanksgiving. She claims he is the only one in the family that can carve white meat.
Twisted Phrases
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- CHURCH BELL RINGER -
A man with no arms sought out a job as a bell ringer at a local church.
At first the pastor doubts the man's ability to perform the duties,
but the man assures the pastor that he can do it. They ascend to the belfry
where the man demonstrates his bell-ringing ability by running and smashing
his face into the bell. The pastor asks the man what would happen if he had
to ring the bell several times such as on Sundays. The man proceeds to
demonstrate by running back and forth and smashing his face into the bell
several times until finally he gets dizzy and runs out the window and falls
to his death below. By the time the pastor gets down into the courtyard,
a crowd has gathered and someone asks, "Do you know who this man is?"
The pastor replies, "I don't know the man, but his face sure rings a bell!
The next day, the dead man's brother applies for the same job as bell-ringer.
Once again the pastor hesitatingly leads the man up the belfry stairs where
the same scenario takes place and the man fall to his death in the courtyard
far below. The pastor once again descends the stairs and rushes out into the
courtyard where the crowd asks him if he knew the man. The pastor replies,
"No, I don't know this man either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
- CHICKENS WITHOUT FEATHERS -
A farmer was disappointed that his chickens were all losing their feathers.
He summoned his sons, Ming and Hing, and challenged them to come up with a solution
to the problem. Ming attended the University where he studied all there was to know
about chickens. The other son, Hing, went to his relatives to ask their advice.
After exhaustive study, both sons discovered that the problem could be remedied by
applying gum tea on all the chickens. After weeks of trying their new remedy,
the chickens had lost all their remaining feathers. The father was disappointed
and came to the conclusion that, "All of Ming's courses, and all of Hing's kin,
couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
- INDIAN EDUCATION -
An Indian tribe voted to send a promising brave to the University for an education
where he majored as an Electrical engineer. When he returned after graduating,
the council decided that his first contribution would be to install electric lights
on the outhouse to keep everyone from tripping in the dark. It was the first time
an Indian was ever known to have "wired a head for a reservation."
- INDIANAPOLIS 500 -
The calvary rode into an Indian camp one day and found that all the braves were out
hunting. The calvary decided to slaughter the tribe anyway. They also mutulated
the squaws by cutting off their breasts. We still remember this horrid act every year
by celebrating the Indian-nipless 500.
- PROFESSOR CLONE -
Once upon a time there was very famous professor who toured the college circuit
giving lectures. He couldn't keep up with all his appointments, so he came up with
a way of cloning himself. The clone developed a bad habit of removing his clothes
half way through each presentation and the professor decided to destroy his creation.
He drove the clone up to a tall cliff and pushed him off. Just then, a policeman
drove by and arrested the man on charges of "Making an obsene clone fall."
- IMMORTAL PORPOISES -
Once upon a time there was a school of immortal porpoises that lived forever by
eating seagulls. One day, the seagulls decided to escape their carnivorous
adversaries and fly away to a distant island. As they were descending out of the
clouds, the natives had never seen anything come down out of the sky and believed
them to be gods. The natives wanted to protect them, so they captured two very
stately looking lions and placed them at each end of the island. The next day
the porpoises discovered that the seagulls were missing so they searched until
they found the island. As they looked over the coastline, they saw the gulls,
the natives, and the lions. Just when they thought their hope for eternal life
was over, the natives fell asleep. The lions also decided to take a nap,
and the gulls fell asleep immediately afterwards. The porpoises decided to crawl
across the beach on their flippers, grab the gulls in their mouths, and make their
getaway. The plan was going well until one of their flippers snapped a twig
and woke up everyone on the island. The natives yelled "Stop, you're breaking
the law." Do you know what law the porpoises were breaking? ...
Don't you know that it's against the law to transport gulls across stately lions
for immortal porpoises?
- HAWAIIAN KING -
Once upon a time there was a Hawaiian King who collected thrones from around the world.
His wife complained one day about all the thrones in front of their grass hut,
and asked the King to do something about it. He built a storage area for the thrones
above their grass hut. That night, the thrones came crashing down on the king
and his wife. The moral of the story is "People who live in grass houses
shouldn't stow thrones."
- MORON TAB & APPLE -
Did you hear about the group of retarded children sponsored by Diet Tab
& The Apple Grower's Association. They tour all over the country and are known
as the Moron Tab & Apple Choir.
- I LOST MY HEART -
My friend Stan has a friend that owns a disco downtown. We went there the other night
and none of us like disco very much, so we got up on stage and began playing our
harmonicas. When we left, we forgot to take our harmonicas with us.
I guess you could say, "We lost our harps in Stan's friend's disco."
- NO LEG TO STAND ON -
Did you hear about the guy who had to have his leg amputated at the ski resort.
The physician read the chart backwards and ended up cutting off the wrong leg.
After the man returned to the city and had his other leg amputated, he tried to sue
the small-town physician for malpractice and couldn't do it. Do you know why? ...
He didn't have a leg to stand on in court.
- TWO ALL BEEF PATTYS -
A man applied for a bus driver position and was told that the route
he would have was called the Sesame Seed route. As he drove his
course, a very fat woman boarded and introduced herself as Patty.
Another huge woman with the same name boarded next. At the next stop,
a German woman with the name of Charice got on. The German lady began
picking her toes, and the two fat ladies were so outraged that they
caused the bus to crash. The police came and gave the bus driver
a ticket for having: "Two all beef Pattys and letting Charice pick
her bunyons on a sesame seed bus."
- CHRISTMAS DISH
A woman was preparing the table for a Christmas dinner. She had all kinds of oer'douevres and dips.
Some of her guests began asking about the strange dish holding the Hollandaise sauce; it was an old hub cap.
Her reply was: "There's no plate like home for the Hollandaise.
Left Overs
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- COMPUTERS
- The first sign of a computer's old age is loss of memory.
- A computer virus is a terminal illness.
Loving your computer is a terminal illness.
Those who work with computers have terminal problems.
- Create a programming language that allows users to program in English, and you will find that programmers can't write in English.
- OS/2 is half an operating system.
- The most common programming language is profanity.
- Man holding a sign off ramp to Silicon Valley: "Will code for food."
- TOP 10 SURPRISES IN THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS (from "Late Night With David Letterman")
- The secret recipe for Mrs. Fields cookies
- The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not pay a lot for a muffler
- It turns out Billy Joel did start the fire
- The frequent use of the word "gnarly"
- In the marginal decorations you can find Waldo
- Book of Revelations originally ended with a high-speed car chase
- Without getting too specific, Presbyterians are in a lot of trouble
- Specifically states Maria gets to keep the engagement ring
- St. Joseph was really ticklish
- Loads of money-saving coupons
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