Lessons in Happiness from the Dalai Lama

No one is happy all the time, but some people are certainly happier than others -- even in difficult circumstances. We would do well to look to them for guidance in our own search for contentment.

The Dalai Lama is such a person. His life has been anything but easy -- driven from his native Tibet by the Chinese, he has lived in exile for decades. As the political and religious leader of his people, he carries an enormous responsibility. Yet he seems unfailingly serene, patient and good-humored -- clearly he is a happy man.

We asked the coauthor of the Dalai Lama’s book about happiness to tell us about His Holiness... and the book.

How Does the Dalai Lama Define Happiness?

As he sees it, many people confuse pleasure and happiness.

Pleasure is physical and usually short-lived -- the taste of a good meal... a warm bath... sexual gratification. It depends solely on external circumstances.

Happiness is a deeper state of mind that is largely independent of circumstances. We all know people who are happy with relatively little. They aren’t wealthy, may be widowed or have no family, even suffer serious health problems. Yet they’re almost always cheerful and peaceful.

And there are others who despite an abundance of external "things" or possessions that bring them pleasure -- money, a big house, good health, a family -- seem chronically discontented, constantly roiled by anger and resentment. No matter what they have, they want more. No one would call them happy.

In fact, one scientific study after another shows that a person’s happiness is changed remarkably little by good or bad fortune.

Just six months after their windfalls, lottery winners report themselves no happier than they were before. And while serious misfortunes, such as illness or loss of money or loved ones, may cause great misery for a time, those who suffer these setbacks eventually return to their previous level of happiness.

Human beings do, of course, have basic needs -- food, clothing, shelter, safety. But once these needs have been met, more may bring more pleasure, but not more happiness. We must look elsewhere to understand happiness.

Where does one look?

To the Dalai Lama, happiness is the purpose of life. We were born to seek it... naturally equipped to enjoy it. The "equipment" is our minds. The basis of happiness is nurturing our positive states of mind, and rooting out negative ones.

What brings the most happiness are warm feelings toward others -- affection and compassion. These are our most natural feelings.

True, the world is full of people acting very differently -- cruelty, greed and selfishness are commonplace. But this is the result of conditioning. It is learned -- from experience, upbringing, society. Beneath it all, the fundamental nature of human beings is to be kind and compassionate toward one another.

We usually think of generosity and compassion as virtues... and that we should cultivate them for other people. But in fact, we also do so for our own well-being -- it’s when experiencing compassion and warmth that we feel most peaceful and happy.

It’s hardly news that people are more content when living in harmony than in conflict. But, only in recent years has modern science provided strong evidence that affectionate relationships are indeed natural to us.

Study after study shows that people with loving, supportive friendships and family ties are healthier and live longer than those who lead isolated lives.

How can we increase our feelings of compassion and warmth?

We all carry seeds of the compassionate state of mind that makes us feel kindly toward others, wishes them well and generates helpful, loving actions, but sometimes those seeds need to be nurtured.

A first step is simply being aware of the importance of compassion.

Reminding yourself that your own benevolence will make you happy will encourage you to devote time and energy to close relationships, compromise in the name of harmony, think of others rather than yourself. When dealing with strangers and acquaintances, knowing the value of compassion will motivate you to be kind, patient and generous.

But it’s not easy. We live in a pressured world in which some people offend us and tax our patience -- making it hard to feel compassion.

What do we do then?

When kindly feelings are difficult to muster, think of the fundamental things all humans have in common. We all want to be happy, want to avoid suffering, etc. Helpful...

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. In situations of conflict, use your imagination to visualize how things look from your "adversary’s" position. Why is that clerk rude and nasty? Underneath, he/she isn’t very happy, perhaps troubled by his/her own anger and hostility.

Learn about the other person’s background, belief system, stresses and pressures. To understand is to forgive.

Perform generous acts -- even if you don’t quite feel like it. Positive actions generate positive emotions.

Simply "forcing" a smile increases feelings of happiness... and a frown sends your mood downward.

Can we be truly happy when life involves so much pain and suffering?

Although you can’t always control the events of your life, you can shape your reactions to them in a way that reduces suffering.

When problems and pain arise, we usually think -- automatically -- that they shouldn’t have happened. We feel our misfortunes are unfair... and may blame others or even ourselves. But, when you recognize that old age, illness, loss, etc., afflict everyone -- that they are an inevitable part of human existence -- you can better accept them and not add bitterness to your burden.

Much suffering is "self-created." We compound insults and injuries by brooding over them, rehashing them in our minds. Becoming aware of the process is the first step toward arresting it.

How should we deal with negative emotions, which are so destructive to happiness?

Anger and anxiety are the enemies of happiness. You can’t keep them from coming up, but you can neutralize them with positive emotions. Compassion, generosity, patience and tolerance are the antidotes to miserable mind states.

Anger. When it arises, recognize that you needn’t act on it in a hostile way. Accept that it’s there and experience it. Then take a step back, appraise the situation and the thoughts that led to it. View the situation from different angles... how else could you react?

Taking a "time-out" when you’re furious, breathing slowly and counting to 10, gives you a chance to cool down, so you can analyze the situation more calmly.

Anxiety. This emotion can be a response to real danger, but more often it comes from insecurity and fear of being judged harshly by others. A powerful antidote is to examine why you’re in the situation. Realizing that your motive (giving a speech, for example) is helping and connecting with others will bring strength to neutralize anxiety.

Strengthen your mind: A calm, stable mind can best withstand negative emotions -- anger, hatred and fear. Practice some form of quiet contemplation -- prayer or meditation -- every day.

Helpful: Sit comfortably, back straight, and choose an object to contemplate -- a flower, a phrase or word, the feeling of your breath passing in and out of your body.

Focus on the object, and let the chatter of your mind fade into the background.

The aim -- after a time -- is to carry a taste of this serenity throughout the day.