I last left off where they were having me sign myself into the hospital after my first suicide attempt. I wound up in the hospital that time for 30 days. The first 2 weeks I have no memory at all, none! They say I was just horrible to everyone and so depressed they couldn't do anything with me, so they got me to sign a form that they could perform ECT on me. I had 5 treatments. I came out of the depression very quickly. I would say after the 3rd treatment. Therefore, I remember the last two weeks of my stay better than the rest. I was put on Effexor XR upon leaving the hospital and an appointment to see a psychiatrist within the week. I won't go into all the details after that.

The next appointment is where I learned of my diagnosis, Bipolar II. I was also put on Lithium at that time. I do not remember the dosage. I was then told that with Bipolar you have an Anti-depressant and a stabilizer. In street talk, to me, an upper and a downer. Well the Lithium didn't work for me. At first I lost my ability to write. I trembled. I was a secretary at the time, so this was quite unacceptable. Then I lost the ability to even finish small words such as lightbulb. I was also running into walls. I was taken off the lithium at once. It was to be the beginning of a long struggle of drugs that did not only work for me but wound up putting 100 lbs on me, beginning the downfall of, what was once, my controlled life and a new life as a Bipolar.

After that there were 3 more suicide attempts, one more by pills, one more by pills and hacking at my wrists and one by carbon monoxide poisoning. I also had 6 hospitalizations, mostly quite cyclical. It was in the fall and spring, if I cared to look back on them. I had one outpatient experience and 2 homicidal threats that were part of the 6 hospitalizations.

In the beginning, before the crack up, I was 5' 115 lbs, wore a size 5, had a year around tan and long dark hair. I looked about 28. Now I am still 5' 207 lbs and wear a size 22, no tan and you can view my photo in group. I was married for 33 years, had two sisters, a job of 20 years, worked out everyday for 3 years, I was a good photographer (did my own developing and printing and matting). Both of my parents were alive and happy, I had a wonderful grandson, two kids, and a life.

Now..... my husband filed for divorce from me. My two sisters haven't spoken to me in three years. My mother passed away 6 mos after my dx. I no longer work at all, I'm on disability. I am just learning again to pick up a camera, after 4 years of not being able to see a photograph. I could see snapshots, but not photographs. I can't walk much less work out, I'm so heavy.

My son is still being quite good to me. I have begun to feel more freedom to dance again. I’m losing the inhibitions about my weight. I guess I no longer care what people say about me. I can't hardly find clothes to fit, so mostly all day I stay in my nightgowns, size 2x thank you. So that is a lot of life to lose!

I have one question about the drug therapy. What are these researchers thinking creating drugs that cause so much weight, which in turn causes so much more depression? When it is depression we are fighting in the first place? It just appears to me that something is a little backwards there. Three are so very few drugs out there that are not weight causing drugs and so few of them that do any good. Take Topomax for instance. Everyone calls it Dopomax. You want to know why. It can make you forget your own name. Well it may make you drop 10 lbls, but that is about it, and is it worth the memory loss? Come on researchers, get with the program. That’s all we ask.

In my better moments, when I'm not feeling so damn sorry for myself, I know that God did this to me for a reason. Instead of saying ‘God, why me’, I need to say, ‘Why not me’? A guinea pig is what I am in every sense. When they use that term pig, they mean it literally. They are experimenting with all these drugs on those of us in this generation so that our grandchildren or great grandchildren may be saved the suffering that we are having to go through. Who better to experiment on than me? I have 5 grandchildren. Would I give my life for them, yes! Then step up to the plate, God says! Put your foot, where your mouth is. I'm always saying God, I would give my life for any one of those kids. Did I really mean it? I guess now, I'll prove I did! If I can save one little life from this pain later on, it will have been worth it!

Love to you all,

Delissca