Well unfortunately, things seemed to spiral down hill faster and faster today, my mom ( she is BP too) was talking about wanting to die or divorce my dad after almost 30 yrs of marriage because she feels like a burden. The thing is if she ever did divorce him she would never be able to make it on her own. She had neck surgery about 2 months ago and has been in a collar since. She wasn't getting out of bed to do anything when the doc told her it was ok too.

My dad told her he is wiped out taking care of everyone else when there is no one there for him. ( he has told me numerous times I am the only one he can count on) He has to take care of my brother who just keeps screwing up. My dad signed for a loan for him. He has been caring for my mom, who is just laying in bed getting more and more depressed and in my opinion playing the pity card. My grandfather lives with them too in an upstairs apartment. My brother doesn't help with anything, plus like I said he hasn't been going to work. So things are piling up on my dad and because he said "when is it my turn for someone to care for me "?

My mom is pulling the suicide cord and the pity pile. With the “I fucked up everyone's life” Blah blah. I know how it feels to be a burden or to feel like one, and when I start to feel that way I get off my ass and do things around the house so I feel productive. It's just all screwed up.

My mom is in her bedroom with the door shut. My dad is in another bedroom, and my brother is in the basement in his room. My dad said today that he needs to just be alone. I knew that they were taking a toll on him and I offered to go down to my parents house to clean and stuff and my dad said no because I have enough of my own shit going on, I feel pretty helpless right now. I told my mom if she kept talking like she was I would throw her ass in the hospital. I did it before and I will do it again.

My brother, I believe 100%, that he is BP also but he refuses to go for help. It's a cluster fuck. I told my mom so many times today that she needs to go back into therapy and she blows it off. So all I can do is sit back and let things unfold anyway they are going to. As the saying goes you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

My dad is spending the night at my house Tuesday so he can sit with my husband during my surgery so hopefully he and my husband can talk and my dad can unload some of his burden with out everyone flipping out like they have. My dad is a good man and he stayed with my mother through the worst times before she was even diagnosed. So for her to be playing this pity card right now pisses me off. This is what my family life has always been like. But my mother can't kick the shit out of me when she is mad like she did when I was a kid....

There is one good thing that happened this week. I talked to my Aunt who I was close to before, after not talking to her for a year. She came and picked me up this morning for breakfast and we spent all morning together which was really good for me. I needed something positive from a strong woman. In essence my mom has never been a "mother" to me. My aunt told me today that she wanted to take me away from my mom when I was younger she just didn't know how bad things really were.

So that's my update.

Love
joy