Journal - September 15, 2003
Today holds no real significance. Not unless you are a person who holds unto the past to long as I do. Three years ago today my grandson, Michael Wayne Madsen was born and given away to a Jewish family that resides in West Bloomfield. Perfectly fine people. They make good money and I’m sure he’s being taken care of in every way. For some reason, I feel as if I should be celebrating someone’s birthday.
Anyway, after a two day lull of laying in bed and not being able to get myself to cooperate with myself, I finally stayed outside of the bed all day. Yesterday, I was close to driving downstate and checking myself into the hospital. I didn’t know if I could make it or not. Sometimes when I’m alone, I can’t judge my own sanity. It’s hard to know how close to the edge I am. Last night I thought I had nothing to lose, so I just ripped my sheets off of my bed and threw them into the washing machine and began to work. I didn’t stop until everything was clean today. When your sheets are in the wash, you can’t lay down on them. It was very good strategy on my part. Did I trick my mind? Or....... was it my mind tricking me? It doesn’t matter, it made me move.
Is this depression cyclical or is it due to my daughter blowing me off. again? Is that when it began? I was in Traverse City having some fun at the mall, when I called Sabrina’s place of business to check up on her and see if she had her new phone number at home yet. She had moved during the week. Her mother-in-law, that she works with, answered and said she wasn’t there, and that she was in the hospital. I panicked and thought it was due to the baby. Penny assured me that they thought it was her kidneys. She either had an infection or a stone. Neither of those things calmed me. She is only 4 months pregnant and I didn’t think either could do any good to the fetus.
I went home from the mall immediately. I was very concerned. No matter how many hard times my daughter and I have had, she is still my daughter. I wanted to drive down there, but everyone told me not to. So I stayed here alone and worried. I didn’t have any news on her until 1:30 am. Then my ex called and told me that she had been admitted and they were going to give her antibiotics intravenously with a morphine drip for her pain. I was wondering what they thought they were doing giving her such pain meds with her only being 4 months pregnant, but I didn’t say anything.
The next day, I got ahold of her in her room on the 3rd floor. I told her that I would come down to her immediately. She told me no, that was ok. I told her that I knew when I was in the hospital I needed my mom, and she flat out said, “well I don’t”. She said, “I have my husband, and I’m fine”. I said, “Well, ok”. That was the end of that. She simply didn’t need me. I felt lost and again very put in my place by a very cruel daughter.
The next day, the 13th was her birthday. I was informed by Wayne early in the morning that they had moved her to the maternity floor. I knew that was not good news, but he was oblivious, as was everyone else apparently. I read up on it on the Internet and sure enough there was danger to not only her, but also to the baby. She could have gone into early labor at any moment. Of course, her doctor just never happened to mention that to any of those morons down there, so they thought all was well. Anyway, I didn’t call her all day. It was her birthday, but hell she had told me she didn’t need me right? Well believe it or not, two people celebrate a birthday, the mother and the child. She never called me either.
The next morning she called and said she was being released and put on antibiotics and Vicodin by mouth. Again, I question the sanity of giving her that heavy of a drug during the first 16 weeks. But, who the hell am I. I never said anything to her about my concerns, because if the doctor had wanted her concerned, he’d have told her. I was just very short with her and she knew it. She asked what was wrong and I told her nothing. She knew I was lying., but she didn’t really care. She never does.
So I went into a full blown plummet!! How, oh how after all these years can she still push that button? How can she still hurt me so much? How can anyone control me like that after 4 years of the hell I’ve been through. I know my life is hanging by a thread, if I let them do this to me. Or should I say if I let myself be hurt by them. In order to stay alive, I have to fight against this type of pain. There are too many illnesses fighting back and forth inside my head. It is so much more than Bipolar. No one ever bothered to diagnose me as Borderline Personality Disorder. That is probably one of my biggest issues. Then we have the OCD. The anxiety disorder, that I’ve had my entire life. What about the continual thoughts of suicide as an answer to everything bad that happens. That can’t be right. That has been going on, even before the first suicide attempt. I really do believe one day I will finally die at my own hand. That just seems to be a given with me.
I love the fall and I love the spring, so why are those the hardest times of the year for me to get through? Why am I so depressed at this time of year? Could it be that the weather is turning colder, loss of sun? I wish I could put my finger on it. I know I hate the holidays and I’m not looking forward to that at all. It is just about spending more money I don’t have.
I have put weight on again. After the last guy I dated no longer wanted me, I didn’t want me either. If someone who is old and fat himself doesn’t want you, then there is no reason on God’s given earth for me not to just get fatter. No one is ever going to want me. My God I hate this drug therapy. I can’t live without the drugs I know that!! I hate them so much. I hate my life like this. What happened to a life without drugs? I can’t even remember. Oh yes I can. I don’t want to.