I am 27 and was diagnosed with BP about 2 yrs ago. When I was younger I did some really shitty things too. The docs never thought I was BP, so they put me on anti-depressants only, which led me to go manic every single time. I didn't know it then but looking back I know I was. I never ran away but I wouldn't listen to my parents either. I drank so much between the ages of 13-19 that when I turned 21 it was no big deal. My "mother" is also BP and she wasn't diagnosed until her early 40's. She made my life a living hell so the only one I really had was my grandmother. She died when I was about 12. That's when I hit rock bottom and I think the button was pushed to enforce the BP full on. I had sex for the first time @12 I started to smoke cigarettes and drink. I also smoked Pot. Never wanted to be around anyone. I thought I new what was best and I really didn't need anyone.
It was the start of the worst times of my life. I slept with about 25 - 30 guys from the age of 12-19. I went out with and dated the scum of the earth. I was with a very abusive guy from the ages of 19-21. I couldn't get away from him. I was still living at home with my parents but everytime I told this guy I didn't want to be with him he threatened me my family and everyone that I deep down inside cared for. He pulled a gun on me and told me if I wanted to leave him he would kill me. He said he would shoot me in the spine so no one else would ever want me. It took years to get out of this. Finally I told my parents that I needed to go into the hospital because I couldn't take it anymore. I would not let him hurt me anymore. If I was gonna die it would be at my own hands not at his.
My dad brought me to the hospital and there I stayed for 1 and1/2 weeks. They never realized I was BP then, but being there changed me. All I wanted to do was get away from him. When I got out I quit college, quit work and stayed locked in the house for weeks. Then I started to talk to this guy on the phone that lived next door to my moms best friend. I went to meet him and we hit it off and he didn't want me to go back home and neither did I out of fear. My next mistake is that we got married 6 months later and divorced in 2 years. No children thank goodness.
I met my current husband who is wonderful and supportive. That's who I was with when I found out I didn't have depression I was BP. I would go into these rages and they were always directed at him since he was the one that was there. Even at 25 I didn't want to admit that I was BP because in my mind it meant that I was defective. I had a hard time coming to terms with that. But since I have, it has made life easier.
I know that when I was a teenager and my parents sent me to counselors. I was suicidal and I would lie to the counselors and tell them what they wanted to hear so I wouldn't have to go anymore. I hated everyone at that time including myself. I lived it from the age of 12 until I was 25.
I have a 22 yr old brother that I know is BP. He has all the signs and symptoms. When I tell him he needs to talk to someone, I get screamed at. He says I don't know what I am talking about. He doesn't think he needs it. At some point he is going to hit rock bottom and hopefully that will be the beginning of his healing. Until then, there is nothing I can do for him. I have actually shut him out of my life right now because his words and actions are too painful for me to handle. All it's doing is depressing me.
We as adults know how hard it is to stay on the meds. I get so pissed off still that I have to take these things for the rest of my life. I often think that I will just stop taking them, but I know that I don't like Me when I am not on my meds.
2 years later, for me, and I still get mad because I know this was passed down by my mom. Even though in the back of my mind I know it wasn't by choice that she gave this to me. Yet, every so often the anger creeps up. It's not something I want to feel it's just there.
Love
Joy