The Cynic's
Guide To Life
1. Follow your dream!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in
your underwear during
a fire drill.
2. Always take time
to stop and smell the roses and sooner or
later, you'll inhale
a bee.
3. Do not walk behind
me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just
leave me alone.
4. If you don't like
my driving, don't call anyone. Just take
another road. That's
why the highway department made so many of
them.
5. If a motorist
cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing
gets the message
across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling
down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest
before the dawn. So if you're going to
steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone
tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a
salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to
it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try
to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups: the bonbon
group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine
group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-
of-the-fridge-is"
group.
10. Into every life
some rain must fall. Usually when your car
windows are down.
11. Just remember:
You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess
on the neighbor's
car!
12. When you find
yourself getting irritated with someone, try to
remember that all
men are brothers and just give them a noogie or
an Indian burn.
13. This morning
I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
blanket. That's
the price you pay for letting the relatives stay
over.
14. It's a small
world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose
to the grindstone and your shoulder to the
wheel, it's a lot
cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is
your land. This land is my land. So stay on your
land.
17. Love is like
a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want
to get off, and
when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.