1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

3. "She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."

9. "He's as country as cornflakes."

10. "This is gooder'n grits."

11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me  enjoy   it."

** NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH **

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight 
and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be instructed on how to use
   it shortly.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. 
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four men in the cab of 
a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be 
along shortly.  Don't try to help them.  Just stay out of their way.  This 
is what they live for.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the 
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it 
yourself.

5. Remember: "Y'all is singular."  "All y'all is plural."  All y'all's is 
plural  possessive."

6. Get used to hearing,  "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand 
you, either.

8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's 
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy." 
  "Fixin'" as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store" is 2nd.  And "Y'all" is 
3rd."

9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly 
in the middle of the road, remember:  ALL Southern folks learned to drive on 
a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that 
vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim,  "Hey, y'all, watch this!"  Stay out 
of his way.  These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse 
still, that you will ever hear.

11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do In 
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, 
you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was 
purchased.

12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone 
eating.

13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until 
December.

14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most 
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local 
grocery store.  It does not matter if you need anything from the store.  It 
is just something you're supposed to do.

15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When you purchase one, 
it is positioned directly in front of the house.  This is logical, bearing 
in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, 
therefore, be prominently displayed.

16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

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